What Moms Need most is a new series I am so very excited about where I’ll be sharing posts to support moms in the very busiest season of their life.
Here’s the thing: I’m pretty sure there is no one who loves being a mom more than I do. I am crazy in love with my 4 boys and consider it a privilege to be their mom. I’d tell anyone that.
It took me a long time, however, to admit (out loud at least) that sometimes I struggled with feeling like while raising THEM, I was losing a bit of ME.
I’ve had time over the years to wrestle with these thing and to discover both a healthy dose of transformative perspective and some practical tools to help along the way. And now, the year I turn 50, (gulp!) I thought it might be a good time to pass on a little bit of what I have learned. You know, in case anyone out there might relate. (*wink*)
But let me give a little history so we’re all on the same page…
From as far back as I can remember, my greatest dream was to be a wife and a mom. I blame my own parents for that — as my mom was an amazing mother, making her job look easy, and even fun. And my dad? He esteemed my mom’s role as a stay at home mother. Like, seriously. I have countless memories of dad sitting at the dinner table and as we talked and dreamed about all kinds of crazy big ambitions (he’s a dreamer and I love that about him) inevitably he would shift the conversation. I always knew it was coming: “You know, Monica, you can be anything in the world you want to be when you grow up.” (aww) But I knew he wasn’t finished. “But there is nothing you could do that is more important than being a great wife and a mom like your mom is.” My mom would smile or joke, because his words were sincere, but they were also a script we’d heard, a lot. Finally he would always wrap it up the same way: “There is nothing I could do at work…no money I could make that compares to the importance of what your mom does every day for our family.”
I might have pretended to tire of Dad’s speech, but deep down I loved it. It brought me hope and peace.
Many years later it seemed my Dad’s not-so-subtle message was effective, because after meeting Dave I was eager to drop out of graduate school, get married, and start a family. Ever since then I embraced my role as wife to Dave and mom to four sons. There were seasons that I worked outside the home and I almost always worked from home, but motherhood has no doubt been my greatest priority.
And I have no regrets for that. My parents’ values prepared me well to value my role as mother. However, there was no way they could prepare me for the conflicted emotions that began to hit me as I dedicated my days and nights to being a full time, full-on “Mom.” Though it would be years before I said it out loud, the question that ran through my head was: “If I am living my dream, why do I feel like I am losing so much of me? Do I…as a person…even matter anymore?”
So, I wrestled quietly for a long time, feeling a little guilty as I did.
- Was it ok to have passions and dreams…outside of being a mom? Who could I tell that I dreamed of writing, teaching, speaking or traveling? (without a lap child or diaper bag.)
- Did every marriage morph into a mere parenting partnership? Did romance and marital spontaneity have to be a thing of the past?
- I struggled with my ever-changing body, and turned to food more and more for comfort, or out of boredom, companionship, or _____ (fill in the blank) which in turn made me struggle even more. I longed to feel good in my skin, but felt ashamed to make that a priority.
- Why was it so hard to spend time alone with God…It seemed like the kids were out to steal the few peaceful moments I tried to carve out each day, and I was losing the will to keep trying. (“Maybe I’ll get back to daily devotions when my kids are grown.”)
- I had lost touch with old friends and had no idea how to make new ones with a pack of loud, rowdy boys always by my side. It was easier just to stat at home anyways. Maybe I could become an introvert after all.
- Would my home ever be the tidy, welcoming place that I had always imagined, or must I settle for sticky countertops and piles of paperwork that never seemed to be at the top of my list of priorities. Oh how I longed to live in a place that brought me peace. (And oh how I had no idea how to make that happen.)
- I wondered if I could admit that I craved time to myself — not a trip to Costco, but more like a week in a city, far far away. Or in a cabin in the woods. Really, anything. Just time. To be quiet. And still. To find out if there was still a me or if I had lost all of ME while raising all of them.
I didn’t know where to begin with all of this. I didn’t know if these were legit questions or just me being selfish. Or crazy. (or perhaps both.) The truth was, I was so busy caring for everyone else’s needs, I couldn’t see clearly what I needed most.
If you relate to this a little or a lot, then I want you to know you are not alone. In fact, if you’ve been a mom for more than a couple days, then you have most likely gotten out of balance a time or two. The struggle to find healthy perspectives and keep a grip on life inside and outside of motherhood is, well, very real.
Younger moms have turned to me, honestly sharing their own feelings. Women have shared with me — over coffee, or in text messages or through blurry eyes at a prayer meeting:
“I feel like I’ve completely lost myself.”
“I don’t like who I’ve become.”
“I just didn’t realize how all consuming this season would be.”
And a recent text message that keeps coming back to me: “My friends and I all agree we don’t even know what our favorite color is anymore…ALL we are now is ‘Mom!'”
Well ladies, I get it. I do. I get it because I remember feeling all of that at some point or another. And I get it because still today, living a whole, balanced, life is a daily challenge.
It took me a long time to realize that though God did call me to love my children sacrificially, He was not asking me to lose all the other parts of ME. His Word is filled with promises and encouragement for our kids and for US MOMS. I learned to believe that I am His workmanship, created for good works. (Eph. 2:10) I can cast my cares on the Lord, because He cares for me. (1 Peter 5:7) As I trusted God’s Word more and more, I developed clarity and perspective. I became healthier, set boundaries, and began to believe God could use me in a multitude of ways. (We’ll talk about how that looked in a future post!) As I shared in the first chapter of Boy Mom, I began to parent with more dignity and less emotion. And, my friends, that’s a very good thing. 🙂
Over time I learned to shift my perspective and seek out practical solutions to lighten my load. I learned to recognize negative thought patterns and correct them. When I caught myself rehearsing lies I learned to replace them with truth. I’ve come a long, way and today? Today I can say that taking care of myself has not just been good for me, it is one of the greatest gifts I have given my children.
And now, because I care so very much about those of you walking with me (or maybe a few steps behind) in this journey of motherhood, I am so excited to share this new series:
What Moms Need Most: Taking care of YOU, as you take care of everyone else.
In this series I will address, one at a time, some of the most common areas we women tend to struggle to maintain balance and perspective in the midst of the busiest years of our life. Things like: weight, health and fitness, romance/marriage, spiritual growth, friendships, home/life organization, work (inside or outside the home,) personal development, and self care. I’ll share from my experience, and from others who have inspired me. I’ll share practical tools, Biblical wisdom, and life-giving perspectives.
Will you join me?
Comment below: I’d love to hear from you if any of these topics resonate with your season of life. What is your greatest challenge? Which topic do you need the most? Share a little or share a lot. I read every comment and I truly care.
I’ll try to publish a post from this series every week or two over the next couple months! You can always return to this post for links to the each post in the series!
SERIES LINKS:
PART I: Moms Need Intentional Perspective
PART II: Moms Need Friends
PART III: Moms Need to Feel Good in their Skin
PART IV: Moms Need Exercise
PART V: Moms Need to Find What Fuels their Soul.
PART VI: Moms Need a Healthy Marriage
With Aloha,
Monica
Thanks for reading this post today. If you found the message helpful, please share it through social media links below!
I’m grateful for my readers and would love to connect. You can subscribe to my blog for a weekly update on what I’ve written, say hi on Facebook , or find me on Instagram, Twitter, or Pinterest.
My book, BOY MOM, was released in August of 2019 (Waterbrook Multnomah Publishers) and is full of practical advice and helpful resources for raising boys. It’s a great study for small groups!
Order it here: Boy Mom: What Your Son Needs Most from You
AND…Check out the new, BOY MOM PODCAST at this link.
Hi Monica, I have 2 boys (ages 13 going 14 and 6). I chanced upon your Boy Mom podcast in March 2021 and it has been encouraging me tremendously. I have ordered the Boy Mom book which just arrived a few days ago. I have just read chapter 1 today. It is so convicting.
I just came to visit this blog series “What Moms need most” today, after listening to Ep. 45 – Moms need to find what fuels her soul.
Just a while ago, I have just listened to my 14 year old boy voicing out his unhappiness, without being defensive or turning away from him (something that I hardly do, I can’t even remember when was the last time I did so). He felt shameful of me and criticised everything that I have done for him and the family as well as my interactions with other people. I felt terribly hurt, and I have been losing myself in the process, having to juggle between work and home, as well as trying to spend time in God’s words and learning how to be a better mom.
Thank you for your perseverance in your ministry work. I am determined to take care of myself, to do what I am passionate about, in order to be a better mom.
Hi Carol — I am so glad you happened upon my podcast and now can be a part of this community! You are so welcome here!! ♥️ I’m so sorry for the hurtful things your son said…That can be so painful. Just yesterday my husband and I were reminding each other to give our kids grace for saying hurtful things because they are kids and WE must be adults…but it still hurts none the less. I encourage you to keep talking to your son and let him know how that felt. That you are human and doing your best and perhaps he needs to be called up to showing more respect. (you’lget to that in the book soon! :)) Big love to you and just so glad you’re here! xo
I cannot wait for the next post! I have read these a little backwards but I just loved the post on friendships! I am also looking forward to your post about weight/fitness as this is a huge struggle for me to do on top of caring for my family.
I’m so looking forward to reading all of this series, Monica. I struggle with balance in all the areas you mention. I have two kids, 3 and 2 and I find their needs overwhelm me. In addition to this I’ve had two enormous life challenges in the last six months that has made life feel so heavy, so the tedium of mum life is extra hard. Thank you for doing this series! I live on the beautiful central coast of NSW in Australia, so feel the beach connection 🙂
Thank you Monica. As a boy Mom of two tweens and one teen… I’m loving your series. I feel being a boy Mom is unusually difficult as we are parenting what we do not know or understand. Glad to have others on the journey with me.
Wow! I nodded my head through all of that. Maybe there is hope for us all to feel balanced again. Im excited to hear your experience and help myself and others along the way. I finished Boy mom over christmas and loved it!!! Thanks soo much Monica xx
How do you start carving out time for God? I haven’t been to church in a long time and my husband and I have talked about finding one that works for our family, but how do I foster a personal relationship with HIM as a beginner?
Aspen,
How did I not respond to your comment before? I’m so sorry! What an important question! My best advice for fostering a relationship with God is to just come to him earnestly, and imagine He is right there…He sees you, hears you, and already knows your heart, so pour it out to Him. (My son even sometimes pulls out a chair to imagine talking to the Lord, face to face. :)) If you have a Bible, I always suggest reading through the book of John. This will give you such a great picture of who Jesus is, and WHY He came to this earth. (Especially now leading up to Easter– it is so good!) And then when you get to leave the house again, :), I encourage you to find a good, Bible-believing church to check out. Meanwhile you can search online and see what is near you. Maybe you can watch/listen to some sermons online with your husband and see if you might feel a good connection with a church nearby. Please keep in touch and I pray you might be taking steps to get connected to God in a special way in this season. He is for you, and so am I!! 🙂 Aloha
I love to read your posts, Monica! They are so relatable, honest and realistic. So, thank you! I have three boys-6 months, 3, and 5. Deep in toddler land, I struggle to find time for exercise, quiet time ALONE with God 🙂 and friendship. All of those things help to lower my stress, but the Mom guilt is REAL. I work away from home about one day week, but I wouldn’t exactly call that me time… Thanks again for all of your words of encouragement, they are life giving!
I relate to every bullet in your list SO much. I have two boys, 1 and 4. The friend topic feels like my newest development and I’m honestly in mourning. I used to consider myself a very thoughtful, intentional friend but now I use all my thoughtfulness and intentionality on my kids and marriage and I feel I don’t have any left sometimes. My pre-marriage/baby friends are now far away and on different paths. I have a few mom friends here and there, but they are busy too. And going out with friends without the kids means hubby is on duty. He’s happy to be, but you know- it just doesn’t feel as free. Anyway… anything you have to say on this topic will be so welcome! It feels like that extra thing in life I don’t have time for, but I just NEED female friends and camaraderie!
Came close to crying as I read this. It felt like a big hug. Like a “everything is going to be ok”. Currently in a season with two young girls (9 months and 3 years) and a husband who is working hard to open a bar before deadline. He’s working a lot of late nights and early mornings, and I’ve been feeling so lonely and tired in this season of sacrifice while I hold down the fort at home. Though the end goal is worth it, the journey getting there is difficult and filled with little sleep and lots of coffee. Thankful for you and your wisdom and really anticipating your next post. Sending you a huge hug.
I’m so glad you’re doing this series! I relate to everything you’ve written, literally every word, it’s like you’re reading my journal (which of course I haven’t kept up with because: baby). I have a 7 month old and struggle the most with marriage and romance right now. Scheduling time alone together isn’t working. I have an empty love tank all day every day and an hour or two of quality time is barely a drop in the bucket. And my husband needs intimacy (and I probably do too) but I JUST CAN’T HANDLE being needed by one more person right now. Will it ever get better? And how??
help (or at least some encouragement!) is coming. Hang in there — 🙂 XOXO
I just started reading Boy Mom today and I’m already feeling better about mom life lol. Looking forward to this series, all the topics you plan on covering resonate with me. Thank you!!!
awesome, Tiffany! Thank you for reading and I hope you get lots out of it! Keep up the good work! XO
I’m so excited about this! What a wonderful Idea!
Your Podcast and your book helped me so much raising my 2 boys (3 and 5 years.) And it truly changed me and has affected my parenting in a positive way!
I try to remember what you said and wrote every time it gets tough. You are such a wonderful person and now that you are making an effort even more to help us moms be “human beings” and women again, I’m even more happy!
I’m 29, and even though I don’t know you personally, you are a wonderful role model, inspiration and sent by God! Thank you so much for this!
Oh, and every topic you’d like to share, I’d love!
That all means the world to me, Pauline! Big hugs to you! (and love what you said about moms being “human beings.” My mom suggested I name the series “Moms are people too!” Haha, so true!! XO
As a mom of two boys, I have benefitted greatly from your writing. I’m looking forward to this series as well as this is an issue I see so many women struggling to process. For me, reading You Who? Why You Matter and How to Deal With It by Rachel Jankivic really helped me see the roots of so many of these conflicted thoughts and reset my perspective to a Biblical one rather than a culture-driven one. I definitely recommend it if you haven’t read it!
ohhh, that sounds like something I ought to read!! So glad it has helped and I pray to offer encouragement along the same lines… XO
Thank you for taking the time to address this!! I look forward to hearing some practical insight and wisdom from you! Balance is always tricky! (For some reason the mom guilt thing always gets me when I try to do something for myself – which is usually exercise) Not even a “real hobby” or anything…it’s self care and sometimes I can’t even do that without guilt. The struggle is real!
I bought your book and can’t wait to start reading it! All of your topics interest me! I’m a mom of 4 boys, and man, is it crazy, but so fun! Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in messy. Now that my oldest is 11 and youngest is 5, I feel like it is just starting to get better. I’m really looking forward to reading your blog posts!
So looking forward to this! The struggle is real! 😭❤😅
I wasn’t 2 paragraphs in before I thanked the Lord for your willingness to share vulnerable places and how to navigate the path forward. My boys are 6, 3, and 19 months and are full of adventure, noise, and energy. Thank you for being an example of how to parent God’s way with no apologies and in the way that is best for your family. I’m so thankful for you and your words.
This is such a beautiful and hopeful post Moncia! I can’t wait to read this series! I value everything you have to say around this!!
xx
I’m really looking forward to this series. My children are all pre-teens. I’ve been home with them since they were babies and have home schooled (and still am). I often wonder when they graduate, what will I do with myself. I was a public school teacher, a loooong time ago. But sometimes I feel like after I graduate my own children, that it might be time to step away from teaching for awhile and pursue other interests. The problem is finding time now to know what those interests are.
Monica, I’m so excited for this series! It’s like you read my mind and articulated the things I didn’t even realize. I, like you, will celebrate the big 50 this year (although I’m a bit behind you in the parenting journey with a 6-year old. Can’t wait to read all your future posts!