Monica Swanson

7 Attitudes that Will Sabotage Your Marriage, and 7 to Replace Them.

Hi guys!

Today I am sharing one of my most popular marriage posts from the archives…full of truths that I personally return to for reminders often. Hope you enjoy, and I’ll be back later this week with a few books I want to share with you!

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For those of you who are married: I want to encourage you today. (for those of you who are not married, I hope you’ll tuck a few nuggets away, and perhaps share this post with a married friend. ;))

As much as I love talking about parenting, I am equally enthusiastic about the topic of marriage. I suppose it’s really the whole family unit thing; I happen to think family was one of God’s greatest ideas.

A strong family gives strength to every member. A strong family gives kids a secure foundation.

And a strong family begins with a strong marriage.

But here’s the thing: after writing so many parenting posts, it has struck me how much harder it is to write about marriage.

Parenting seems so full of hope and inspiration. Kids are quick to forgive, and they’re constantly changing from one stage to the next. We only have our kids for a season, so in the big picture, parenting is more of a sprint.

But marriage…Marriage is a whole different story. It can be heavy, and it can feel hopeless. Unlike kids who are always changing, sometimes it seems like our spouses will never change. And marriage is not just for a season, but “til death do us part.” Let’s face it, sometimes that can seem like a very, very long time.

With all of that said, I still feel the need to write about marriage. I need to write about marriage because (call me old-fashioned but) I happen to believe a marriage done right, is the most beautiful thing we’ll experience in our lifetime. And further–experts tell us that a healthy marriage is one of the most important things we can give our children. So indeed, marriage is a topic worthy of all kinds of time and attention. And writing. (Even if I just wrote about eighteen posts about it and trashed them all because: It’s hard!)

Well, when it comes to marriage, I don’t know if there is any more important subject than that of our attitude. The lens that we choose to view our spouse and our marriage through each day will be a huge determiner of our satisfaction in marriage. And in life.

And this is an important truth: Making some simple changes in your personal perspective can radically improve your marriage.

I’m speaking to me first in this post, so let’s go through this list together!

1. Bad attitude: Pride.

No matter how flawed your spouse may be, so are you. The minute you start thinking that you are better than your spouse, you are headed for trouble. I think we all agree: Pride is ugly.

Trade it in for: Humility.

An honest evaluation of you and your spouse will remedy pride. You are both imperfect humans, loved by God, with all of the potential in the world. Look for opportunities to build up your spouse, and walk in humility, and you’ll find yourself a lot happier in your marriage.
PS Other people will like you better too.

2. Bad attitude: Ungratefulness.

Focusing on what your spouse does not do, and overlooking all that he or she is doing well, is dangerous. Everyone wants to be appreciated, and an ungrateful attitude leaves a stench in the air.

Trade it in for: Gratitude.

Counting your blessings and appreciating everything your spouse does do, is a key to a happy marriage. A spouse that feels appreciated will usually bend over backwards to keep pleasing you. Be thankful for the big and the small things, and take time to tell your husband or wife how thankful you are.
{Speaking well of your spouse to others= big bonus points.}

3. Bad attitude: Irritation/annoyance.

Anyone we spend a lot of time with will eventually annoy us. Spouses will wear on one another. But really, it is our choice whether or not we let it get to us. We can choose to be irritated, or not. And really: Allowing yourself to be annoyed is a sign of your own immaturity.

Trade it in for: Enjoyment/acceptance.

Learn to laugh at the things that could annoy you. Try to enjoy the quirks and nuances that you see in your spouse. And for the ones that you cannot enjoy–learn to accept them, or just overlook them. (I bet you have a few of your own…)

4. Bad attitude: Unforgiveness.

Keeping a record of wrongs…holding on to grudges…None of it will do you a bit of good. There may be hurts in your marriage that take time to work through, but holding on to an offense is a choice you make. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, but it is true: Unforgiveness is like drinking poison, and waiting for the other person to die.

Trade it in for: Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is choosing not to hold anything against your spouse. This may not remove all of the hurt or the memories, but it means you will not bring it up, or hold it against your spouse anymore. Forgiveness is a choice that will set you free and allow you to move on in your relationship.

5. Bad attitude: The Comparison Trap.

Do not give into the temptation to compare your spouse to someone else, or your marriage to other marriages. You don’t know the full story of anyone else’s situation, and you are likely to be deceived. The comparison trap is a huge temptation, but it can be very harmful on your marriage.

Trade it in for: Embracing What You Have.

Recognize that this is the one person that you get to share the rest of your life with, and embrace what you have. The more you build up your spouse, the more likely they are to grow into something even greater. Identify yourself with your husband or wife, and focus on the beauty of your uniqueness as a couple.

6. Bad attitude: A critical Spirit.

If you are habitually critical of your spouse you are slowly tearing down your own marriage. If you’ve seen other people do this, you know how unattractive it is. So make the choice not to be critical.

Trade it in for: Looking for the good.

Look for the good in your spouse. Choose to find things to compliment, build up, appreciate, and magnify. There is good there if you are looking for it. This one shift in attitude can work wonders in a marriage.

7 Bad attitude: Selfishness.

This is the root of most of our problems, and one we probably all struggle with. Over time, we can all try to make a marriage all about our needs/wants/hopes/dreams. It’s not all about you.

Trade it in for: Selflessness.

Try putting your spouse’s needs before your own. Serve your spouse with a sincere heart, and care about the things that concern him or her. This doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat, or neglect your own needs, but instead try to look for ways to bless your husband or wife with a secure and happy heart. It’s pretty amazing how when you consider your spouse first, you usually find yourself more fulfilled as well. This is the beauty of marriage.

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Well, I don’t know about you, but I should probably print this list and read it every day! You may have noticed that I used the word “choose” or “choice” at least ten times. And when it comes to attitude (in marriage, and in all things,) choice is the key word. If you have found yourself guilty of any of these bad attitudes, I encourage you to pray for the strength to trade them in.

You might be amazed at how much your husband or wife seems to improve when you change your perspective. 🙂

I hope you’ll comment and share one attitude adjustment that has benefited your marriage or your life in any way! I have a feeling we could all use some encouragement here!

Much aloha–
Monica

PS If this post encouraged you, I hope you’ll pin and share it so your friends can read it too! (all “share buttons” are at the bottom of this post! Just click and share! 😉
PPS Here is a recent post about What Happened when I heard my kids describe my marriage.