Teenage Boys and Dating
Welcome to part Four in my All things teen/pre-teen boy series.
I hope you have enjoyed the series so far. If you’ve missed any, catch the introduction, and first three posts here: Intro, Preparing for Puberty, Kids and Porn, and What to Expect When Your Son Starts Puberty.
But here’s a little secret: I like those first three topics because they are pretty straight forward. Puberty, for the most part, is predictable and pretty easy to talk about. Sure, I shared some personal convictions about things I believe every family should have in place before their boys become teenagers, but overall, the first three posts in this series were objective and fit for all kinds of families.
But now.
Now I promised a post about teenage boys and dating. And this is where my series will shift from being straight forward to a little…sticky.
You see, today’s post enters the zone of personal morals and family convictions. And though I am happy to share what we do as a family and why, I am well-aware that plenty of readers will take a different approach than we have.
And that’s ok.
So I won’t be writing this in a “Do this” and “Don’t do that” format.
Instead, I will do two things:
First, I will share some of the dating-related issues that I suggest you discuss before your son starts dating.
Next, I will share our approach to teens and dating.
Sound ok?
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Here is a short list of things that should be considered and discussed before your son starts dating:
1. At what age can your son date?
2. What are your dating rules or expectations? (Can your son date one-on-one or only in groups? Any places off-limits? Curfew? If your son drives, will he be driving or who is it ok to drive with and how do you work all of that out?)
3. Is your son prepared to be physically involved with a girl? If so, will you set limits for him, or how will he determine how far he should go physically, and when?
4. Does your son have a healthy respect for the opposite sex? Have you talked to him about how to treat a woman, and about mutual consent?
5. Does your son have personal convictions about drugs and alcohol? Does he understand the effect that drugs and alcohol can have on him and how he would behave around the opposite sex if he is under the influence? (This topic of course will be covered in a future post, but as far as it affects dating I wanted to include it here.)
6. If he plans on being physically involved with a girl, is your son clear on all of the things related to sexual involvement? STD’s, pregnancy, and the long-term effects of being intimate with another person. (and a sub-topic of course would be birth control if he is planning to be sexually active.)
7. Does your son have someone in his life that he would turn to for accountability and support? Is there someone you know that he can be completely honest with and he would go to as he makes decisions about these things in his life.
I know, *GULP*, right?
Some of you have a five, or eight, or eleven year-old, and I just freaked the heck out of you, right? But we all know that in the blink of an eye that little guy will be fifteen. And fifteen may even sound young…but it’s not.
(Just yesterday someone told me that just when they realized they hadn’t had the “sex talk” with their fifteen-year old son, they sat down to talk to him and discovered that he had already had sex. And more: He had a pregnancy scare.)
Double gulp.
But we shouldn’t be surprised by all of this, right parents? You were fifteen once, and if you weren’t sexually active, I bet you had friends who were.
But it’s still hard for most of us to talk about this stuff.
Well, the good news is if you have done the work of opening up the Sex Talks with your son, then hopefully there is an open door to continue the conversations.
But when? And how much? I mean, (a lot of you have said,) do we really need to pique their curiosity if they are not already asking this stuff?
And this is where it can get a little sticky.
So many variables come into play here that I cannot give you a one-size-fits-all approach to how you should approach talking to your son about dating, and all of the messy stuff that goes with it.
My best recommendation is for you as parents to sit down together and discuss this stuff first. Maybe you can take the list above, (tailoring it how you think is best) and come up with where you stand on these issues. Hopefully you are already united on many of them.
Next you’ll have to decide when is the best time to talk to your son about it, and how much to cover at once. You’ll need to judge these things based on your son’s school situation, social activities, and the kinds of friends he spends time with. In most cases I recommend having this talk quite a while before you think he needs it.
Once these issues are opened up, you can hope that your son will consider you a safe place to go to continue the communication. It might feel awkward at first but the payoff is huge.
Now I’ll go into a little of…
HOW WE DEAL WITH OUR BOYS AND DATING
Before I jump into dating and where we stand, I thought I should explain a little bit about our family’s foundation and why we do what we do. Dave and I are Christians. Though our backgrounds are very different from one another, we built our marriage on our commitment to loving God first, and honoring Him in all that we do.
It goes without saying then, that we have raised our kids using the Bible as our greatest guidebook. We have taught our boys about God’s love for them and His plan for their life. We also encourage our boys to question, challenge and wrestle with spiritual truths in order to come to their own personal faith. We encourage questions because we believe that if it is truth, it will stand.
Dave and I also try every day to live out our own faith in a genuine way. We want our boys to see that we are not just church-goers, but we are Jesus-followers. We actually believe that life goes well when we do things God’s way…That He loves us and is always looking to protect and provide for us. So it is our natural way to apply Biblical truths to the things we face all of the time.
And so far, all of our boys have chosen personally to follow Jesus. They have each pursued a relationship with God, and they are each making personal choices to invest in things that build up that relationship. They have a lot of friends, but they choose to spend the most time with Christian friends who share their values. Each of our boys is involved in youth group, enjoy going to church, and look up to role models who are following and honoring God with their lives…Including but not exclusively their mom and dad.
All of that lays the foundation for where we are as a family.
So when it comes to dating, things are really not so complicated. In fact, so far, it’s been pretty simple.
Our boys truly want to honor God with their lives. They read what God’s Word says about marriage, sex, and relationships, and they actually believe that they will be happiest when they follow it. They see it working for people they love and respect, and they want the same thing for themselves.
With all of that said, we really haven’t had to lay out a whole lot of RULES about dating.
Most things are just common sense in light of our desire to honor God with our lives.
And really: It takes a lot of the sticky out of this whole subject.
Dating, marriage, and family become a very positive and exciting thing when you’re doing it God’s way, in God’s timing.
Our oldest son, being very practical and logical, has expressed his personal conviction to wait until college to consider dating. In his words “Why would I date someone now? What would it lead to? Obviously I’m not going to get married when I’m a teenager, so it would only lead to temptations and pouring my time into something that will not last.”
I love that. I can’t promise that my other boys will feel the same way, but we’ll see.
Now, while I’m talking about our family, we need to acknowledge the obvious: We home school! This changes everything. It’s not so hard for my funny, smart, attractive sixteen year-old to avoid temptations when he isn’t surrounded by girls all of the time! Sure, he sees girls at youth group, and he has some (girl)friends that he surfs or dives with, so it’s not like he is never around girls, but it is a world of difference from how it would be if he was shoulder to shoulder with girls in a school setting every day, all day.
(And one more reason I love homeschooling. 😉 )
Keeping busy/active: Another thing to note is that we keep our boys very busy with activities that expend energy, capture their attention, and keep them focused on positive, healthy things. From surfing and skating, to playing music, pursuing interests in nature, math, science, computer coding, birding…they don’t have a lot of spare time to sit around and think about girls.
Peer influence: Further, as I mentioned friendships (and more on friendships is coming in the next post,) my boys’ closest friends share their faith and their convictions, so that certainly helps. They also spend time with kids who do not share their exact morals, and they do not judge them, but I have heard them shut down a conversation when it was disrespectful towards girls. (yes!)
If (or more likely when) the day comes that one of our boys shows a special interest in a girl, our first reaction will be to encourage him to get to know her as a friend. To do things in groups and find out more about her that way. And when the day comes, our hope is that boys will be intentional in dating. (The word “courtship” can mean many different things, so I hesitate to use it.) At this point we aren’t into a bunch of rules or structure, but hope our boys will spend time with girls with the goal of marriage in mind, not just recreationally hanging out and getting physically involved.
I love to talk to my boys positively about how great it will be when they meet “the right girl,” and they are ready to begin that next stage of their life. They know I’m crazy about their dad, and I certainly hope that casts a vision for how their own relationship will one day be. But we talk about it very practically; Marriage is not a fairy tale but a committed relationship that takes a lot of nurturing and ongoing efforts to stay healthy and strong. I’ve also taught my boys from a very young age to begin praying for their wives consistently until they meet her.
And I’ve got to say: Whichever girls ends up marrying my boys (at least if they continue on the course they are on,) will be seriously blessed. I know well the awesome gift of a young man who is healthy, pure, and has prayed for his wife since he was young, because that is exactly what my own husband did.
So, in summary, this topic of teens and dating is not always a simple one. There are many factors to consider, and at the very least I urge you to talk about things, decide where you stand on the issues, and teach your sons what they need to know to handle relationships with respect and integrity.
On the other hand, I believe that teens and dating doesn’t have to be so complex. Sure, it takes a bit of paddling upstream, and probably the fact that we home school and have a unique lifestyle makes it a little easier to do, but I do believe anyone can make the choices we’ve made and enjoy a happy, healthy teenage life.
Now, I would love to answer any questions or hear from you in comments below — You might share your own family’s positive stories, or areas of concern…
Some of you might feel like it’s too late, your kids are already dating, or don’t have the personal convictions that I talk about my boys having. Maybe you’re feeling like you want to make some changes in the direction your family is going. If so, please let me know. There is seriously SO MUCH on this topic that I’m trying to figure out the best way to encourage and equip families who desire to raise kids with wisdom and intention. This is also why I want so badly to reach families of younger kids, who are still forming their own family values, with a vision for the future. (Please consider sharing this with families that you know!)
One more note: if you do not agree with how we do things, or have a different approach to teenagers and dating, I respect that. Please keep comments positive, and trust me when I say that this topic took a lot of thought time, and raw nerves to put together. Thank you for your kindness.
With Aloha,
Monica
A couple books I suggest:
My boys are reading this with their youth group: Every Young Man’s Battle: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation (The Every Man Series)
And I recommend for all parents: The Power of a Praying Parent (Power of Praying)
(These are Affiliate Links: That means that clicking through those links and purchasing will help support my blog. There is no difference in price for you, Amazon just compensates me for sending you their way.)
PS A Q & A post will be coming soon! There are a few topics that have been requested but just didn’t fit into this post, so don’t worry if you’re still waiting. For example: How much to share with our kids about our own past, Kids and online dating, sexting, etc. Feel free to leave more suggested topics in comments below!
Every Young Man’s Battle: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation (The Every Man Series)…….This book is very graphic and discuss in detail the authors sexual escapades. This is not a book in my opinion for young teens. They don’t need more of it in their heads. Yes guard your minds on good thoughts, Please read the book before giving it to your child.
You have no idea how much I reference your podcast & book when raising my 3 boys. I found your website and so thankful for this article. My oldest is turning 13 in a few months, and we are entering the world of girls. I am so grateful to find this article. As a Christian, I want him to be strong minded and think differently from the norm. This is encouraging, gives me hope, and I will be using it while navigating raising a teen boy. It means so much that you share your experiences of raising your sons with the world.
Blaire— thank you so much for the kind comment! I am so glad you’ve been encouraged by my topics. Big hugs to you! xo
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and ideas. I have come across a few of your posts when I have searched various things. I’m happy for you and your family and wish you continued blessings in raising your children with God as the center.
This was just a beautiful read monica thank you, my thoughts exactly on no need to get serious with a relationship in high school because most hs relationships end. It was more fun hanging out in groups of friends less drama and yes we had crushes! but I tell my youth group especially in Middle school what happens with these relationships you just end up unliking each other on social media and losing a friend in the end… so just stay friends no need to date. There is a saint dwenywen special prayer I like to call saints spiritual friends … Its a prayer to God to meet the right person in the right time in the right way. The kids loved her and her story she is from wales. They could relate to relationships and desire for the right one. Thank you again, Melissa
Also, have you considered writing a post concerning homosexuality? My boys are still ignorant to this issue, but I know it will come up eventually – perhaps by seeing a same-sex couple together. Have you faced this yet?
Thank you Sally…Yes, that is a hot topic! Much easier to avoid talking about it, haha, but maybe I will get to do that eventually. 🙂 Meanwhile, I would be happy to chat via email if you have any specific questions ([email protected]) Thanks for the suggestion and I will definitely be thinking about a post on that. Aloha-
What if you and your husband don’t have the share the same views about abstinence?
What if your boys don’t see a good relationship at home?
How do I respond to the question of if I waited until marriage? My son is 9 but I want to be ready for that question when it comes up.
Thank you Mari–This will be on the list for the Q and A post (in a week or two) Great question!! Much aloha-
I have really been enjoying these posts. Though I feel I must say I disagree with your son’s choice not to date. I mean no disrespect with this, I only wish to share my thoughts.
There is much that can be learned about yourself, your likes and dislike, other people, how you interact with them, and your expectations that can only be realized by experience. There are many joys, heartaches, and challenges to interpersonal relationships and being able to make mistakes when the stakes are lower can build the character needed to make the right choices when the stakes are higher.
Not every date is a courtship. Not every show of affection leads to sex.
It is easy to avoid temptation when you are isolated from it… but then you have never faced temptation and held your ground.
Thank you for this wonderful post. Many of these topics have been racing through my mind as my daughters come of age. You have helped me to narrow my focus (and anxiety) on what matters most, a Christ centered, personal faith. I have been so worried about doing the right things for my daughters, that I’ve failed to put God in control of how I parent them. Would you mind taking a few minutes to reference some biblical passages, which go alone with how you teach your sons about God’s plan for our lives and what God’s word says about marriage, sex and relationships?
I read I kissed dating goodbye as a teenager…I loved it. It was good food for thought and very encouraging.
Our sons surf HSA together. Austin is always telling me that Luke is a good kid and doesn’t talk trash in the water. He loves going out to free surf and finding out that Luke is out there. We homeschool also, I love the innocence of kids that are homeschooled! Great article.
thank you so much for this series. it has encouraged me and stirred my thinking in intentionally bringing up these tough topics with my son and daughters.
It is so refreshing to find others who share this “likemindedness”
please rememberall to not only pray for YOUR children’s hearts and decisions as they enter these young adult years but also to be praying for the hearts of their future mates- that too would be guarding their hearts and minds for your precious sons (and daughters).
thank you Monica – I appreciate you!
I was forwarded this article by my wife as our oldest son is starting to consider dating. I think it was pretty good. You have done a great job showing us how to love and protect our sons; however, I would have liked to see the Dad’s perspective in all of this. If there’s somebody that understands the way the son’s mind behaves, well that has to be an “involved” Dad. Don’t get me wrong, a Mother’s love and guidance will never be replaced, but God created men and women differently for a reason. In marriage, a man and a woman should compliment each other as God intended. The way a husband treats his wife should show with a Godly example the basis of dating. The father should understand first hand the feelings, the pressures, the physical attractions that boys experience at this age. I’m not trying to generalize, but who is more likely a boy to trust on this new and “weird” feelings: his mom or his dad? Lastly, thank you for writing about this topic.
Thanks JC! So glad you liked the post. Keep in mind: I am a mom and wrote from a mom’s perspective! If you take a look around my blog you’ll see plenty of mentions of the huge role my husband plays in parenting! 🙂 I actually give him most of the credit as he is the quiet, gentle strength that leads our family! (thankful!) I wrote this with lots of “We do this” and “We do that,” and I even mention how my husband set the standard by his own purity and praying for me since he was a boy. I’m the one writing so it makes sense that I wrote this as a Mom.
Much aloha to you, and keep up the great work in your family!
I take the stance that your son so wisely has taken on his own. There is no reason to date until you are old enough to consider marriage. I dated before I was out of school and even though I waited for my husband for physical stuff, dating left me with nothing but heartbreak. We already talk to our 7 year old about sex, marriage, love, dating, and such. He has cousins and friends who have “girlfriends” and they are still in elementary school. Most people think it’s just cute and innocent but it’s a bad example to set. But I feel that it teaches children from a young age that relationships are just fun and short lived.
I also have three boys and since they have been little I’ve been praying for them, their wives, their purity, their marriages…and somewhat dreading when they start to date. This world is so HARD and I worry that they will stumble in the face of such huge temptations. I just had a conversation with a friend though, that encouraged me. She has a daughter that she raised to have a relationship with Jesus, who still is in a Bible Study…that just so happens to have been living with her boyfriend for the last 2 years. My friend has been so disappointed for her daughter and feeling a little hopeless for her situation but God gave her some hope. Her daughter’s boyfriend asked for her hand in marriage last week and they are going to be planning a wedding soon. My friend is seeing some light…that even though her daughter has walked away and is not following God’s path for her, He can work ALL THINGS back around to His purposes. So even if our kids fail (and they will), we serve a big God who can take their failures and make them work for the kingdom. So I will continue to teach my kids about purity and strive for Christ likeness with them, but I will know that God has their future in His capable hands…even if they take a meandering path to get there.
Thank you for this post!! The “dating issue” has been on my mind for quite some time. My son is 8, and started noticing girls when he was in Kindergarten! We, of course, do not encourage it. It is refreshing to see that others believe in courting & not just dating to date. I have felt that in my heart for years now.
Love your book choices. I started reading Power of a Praying Parent when I was pregnant with my daughter (who is almost 10). The Every Man (& the Women’s series!) are outstanding!! I have had the I Kissed Dating Goodbye on my wish list for a couple years!
Wow! This is wonderful and God-honoring. I will be sharing it with the women in my mom’s group for middle and high schoolers. I think this is a valuable resource.
Thank you so much Kristen! I appreciate you sharing as well! Aloha!
Monica, I am a new subscriber since a facebook friend posted one of your blogs to her page. I am so glad I found you! I think you’re great and a unique voice in the blogosphere. I have a 10 year old boy whom I adore (of course) and he is also a bit of a mystery to me. So I appreciate your perspective and particularly your delightful enthusiasm for boys — it helps me relax into my own. 🙂 Thanks so much!
Allison
Thank you Allison! That is so nice to hear. 🙂
Glad you find some perspective on boys at my site…I’ll look forward to getting to know you better! Aloha-
Our boys do not date until they are 16, and they only group date until they are out of high school. We have taught them the joy, peace, and freedom that comes from chastity before marriage. Many of their friends feel the same way. Sexual purity is a big part of our family psyche.
Awesome Jill! Well done. It is such a blessing when they have friends who share their values and convictions! Happy to hear that! aloha-
I am loving this series! I have 3 boys and a girl: 10, 8 and 5 year old twins. We are trying to introduce these topics and be aware of any “hints” that we need to talk to our boys, especially our oldest. Love your blog! Thank you for sharing your ideas 🙂
Monica,
I just wanted to take the time out to simply say THANK YOU!
As a mother of 3 beautiful boys I truly feel a but more comfortable with the task at hand. I don’t have teenagers just yet my oldest is 11, but I’m glad I found you. So again THANK YOU
Thank you TaMikka! 11 is a perfect age to really zoom in on things. So glad to hear from you! Much aloha–
Monica,
I really liked what you said about dating or courting with a purpose. That purpose being marriage and not just hanging out and enjoying the physical relationship. So many people today want the physical relationship but without any commitment.
Monica,
Thank you for sharing your heart. It is obvious that it took you a great deal of energy and thought to write this post, without coming across as judging. I wholeheartedly agree with the way you are raising your boys and your suggestions about dating. I love your posts and pray that God will continue to use you to share your wisdom and the truth with others. I feel that if moms can get this information and apply it as soon as possible, society will benefit, parents will benefit and the children will benefit.
Oh thank you Lisa! That is super encouraging! It is my prayer that many people read my post and are encouraged as well. Aloha!
My son is 13, I’m not afraid of premature sex, but I know the girls push them to Get a girfriend and to kiss them….can you write about kisses and hugs, please.
Thanks so much for your posts, they helped me a lot.
Hey Anna–I’ll try to address that in my Q and A post coming soon. Bottom line though–kisses and hugs lead to…more. That is why my 16 yr. old chooses to just stay away from getting physical at all. At best they get a taste for physical contact and wish for more. At worst they go for more. That sounds so conservative i Know, but it is how our bodies are made and I see no reason to mess with things. Girls will only like a boy more if they are strong in their convictions. 🙂 If they do decide to kiss and hug I would just help them to be sure they know exactly where they will draw the line. Better to decide in advance than in the heat of the situation! all the best– 🙂
Loved it Monica! As a Mom of three GIRLS (ages 15;11;9), I am so grateful to see that there are families raising Godly sons as I attempt to raise Godly daughters. It makes me hopeful!!
Loved your perspective and the list at the beginning…great tool!
Monica, what a great post–thank you! So detailed, well-thought-out, and direct about a topic that can be difficult to discuss. This is very helpful as i gather ideas about how we’ll handle dating when the time comes. Thank you!!