Teen and Pre/Teen Boy Q and A {All of the Things}

Hey guys!  So, we’ve had a lot of fun talking about teen and pre-teen boys, and today is the final post in the series!   {Catch up on all of the posts here:  INTRO, Preparing for Puberty, Kids and Porn, What to Expect When Puberty Hits, Teens and Dating, Teens and Peers.}

I want to thank my boys for being such great sports about this, and Dave for being the true voice of reason in this  family.  (So much of what you read from me could really be tracked by to the wise counsel of my husband.)

Today, we finally get to the dreaded exciting Q and A post!

Really:  I’ve received so many great questions and special requests during this series.  I almost made this a two or three-part Q and A.  But I’ll do my best to cover the questions that came up the most often.  And trust me guys:  I’m not done with this subject yet! 🙂  Stay tuned on my blog for more posts on these topics in the future!

Now let’s get right to the questions.

Q:  (this is the most-asked question!) Can you address electronics? My boys want to spend all their time playing video games. Interest in other things is gone. It’s a constant battle in our home, and very frustrating.  If I take the games away from my son, I’m afraid it will crush him.

A:  (and therefore a long answer.) I don’t think electronics are the enemy, however I do believe there must be limits on them.  A kid is not mature enough to establish their own limits, so we as parents must set the limits for them.  (side note: It ought to be your goal to raise kids that eventually learn to regulate themselves, but until that day, it is your job.)

In our family thirty minutes is the daily limit on games, and that is after everything else is done:  all school work, chores, (sports practices, or extra curricular activities) must be completed, which means most school days there is no time for games at all.  (This includes games on their phone, X-box, iPad, etc.)  Occasionally on a weekend or school break I’ll give them an hour, or if friends are over –sure there are exceptions, but most of the time we are really firm.  We keep our boys very busy and active, and we’ve talked about things so they understand WHY we don’t want them to morph into couch-potato-gamers.  We love them!  We want them to have an excellent life.  Instead of focusing on what they can’t do, we steer them to the productive things they can do.  Currently that includes: playing musical instruments, growing their own garden, writing short stories, building something with wood, reading, creating graphics on the computer, artwork and so on.  Believe it or not, even teenagers can still have fun playing games, exploring outside, and creating things.  When electronics are not an option, they are often surprised by how much fun they actually can have.

Phones:  Only our two older boys (14, and 16) have phones.  I require them to turn in their phones to me during school days (we home school,) and again at 9:00 PM.   So sure, after work is done, on occasion our boys will kick back in the afternoon or after dinner and scroll through instagram, text a friend, etc, and I’m ok with that.  The goal is balance, and work before play.  Also:  Lots of communication:  Talking to our kids about WHY we limit device time, and about the character we want to see them developing is key.  I give my 16-year-old more freedom all of the time because he is learning to regulate himself, and doing a great job of it.

I’ve heard a hundred different ways families have dealt with the electronics challenge — from making kids earn game time by reading a certain amount, to having “free gaming hours” on weekends or holidays, and many more ways.  You may find a creative approach that works best for your family.   In general, kids are immature:  They don’t know how to limit themselves and they will most definitely get sucked into games if you don’t set limits.   Don’t worry about crushing your kids spirit over saying no to video games.  Instead, think of all of the new opportunities you can give him if you replace that obsession with healthy interests that, given time, might turn into passions.  It takes a little more effort as the parent, but it is so worth it.

Q:  What can I do about it when my teenage son is disrespectful?  My son hardly talks to me, and often ignores the things I ask him to do and wants to just leave the house and hang out with friends.  I feel like I’m losing him.  What can I do?

A: Unfortunately, if a boy has not been required to show respect to his parents before his teenage years, it can be extremely challenging to turn things around then. Of course this is a BIG topic, and the only way to address it in full would be to know a lot more about your family dynamics, what else is going on in your son’s life, etc.  However, I can offer this:

Parents, please require your kids to show you respect.  It will benefit your kids, you, your entire family, their future spouse, and way beyond.  If you have allowed disrespect to creep into your home, you need to show it to the door, and quickly.  If you have allowed it to hang out for a while, I still believe that change is possible.  I suggest sitting down with your son and letting him know that because you LOVE him and want him to have a good life, you will be making some changes in what is required of him. (You can also mention your own dignity -)  You must then outline clearly the behavior that is required, and the consequences that he will experience if he does not follow your rules.  Be strong, make the change.  If he has to lose out on privileges or time with friends and be “stuck at home” for days at a time, he’ll live.  Give him work to do, ways to be productive…and be willing to sit down and speak heart to heart when he is ready.  Perhaps there is hurt or pain beneath his behavior.  If you are available to listen, he will likely open up in time.  (Especially if he is “stuck” at home long enough to realize that he will not benefit from being a jerk.)  Do your best to pleasant and happy when you are near him, and let him know that love is your motivation.  If you model respect, and require it of him, he will eventually learn to show it as well.

Q:  Can you address teens and sexting?

A:  Well…we have never personally faced this one in our family, but one thing is for sure:  If I caught my teen sexting, he’d lose his phone and a whole lot of freedom.  For a long time.   If a teenager is immature enough to be communicating via text message anything that can or will be held against him, or taking advantage of someone immature enough to be sharing such information, he is too childish for the privilege of having his own device.  No way.  One time and I’d take his phone or device for at least a month, as well as offer other appropriate consequences.  I would also talk to him about this…ask him questions about where he got this idea, and what might be influencing him.  I would be concerned and want to get to the heart of things. But I would be firm on this one, because the potential damage is just way TOO big.

Q:  One reader asked me to ask MY SONS:  What is the one thing you think parents need to understand about teens?
A:  One of them answered:  That they are really truly hungry ALL OF THE TIME.  (haha poor kid has been growing like an inch a month!)
The other said it is important that parents remember that teens feel stress too.  Sometimes parents forget that their teens can feel fear or anxiety about things that may seem small, but we should keep in mind that they have a lot on their mind, too.  We should listen if they want to talk, but also give them space if they are not ready to talk.  Pretty much, (he said with a laugh,) it just depends on how they’re feeling, but it’s good be available so they can talk if they want to.
(thanks, sons!)

Q:  How do I handle the topic of teens and  masturbation?

A:  You’ve all heard me talk about communication, and how I believe in talking to my boys about everything.  Well, maybe I should have said “almost everything.”  haha.   Masturbation may be one of the exceptions.  Here’s why:  The books we give to our boys to read (part of this series,) do a really good job of covering the subject of masturbation.  They talk about it as normal and not at all shameful, but they do suggest it should not become a major focus, or habitual.   Too much focus on self stimulation can become habitual and can interfere with a healthy sex life later.  Since it is covered there, I don’t see any need to bring it up.  I figure that this is one thing I don’t need to “teach” my boys about as I think they all figure it out pretty well on their own.  🙂

Q:  At what age do we start our “sex talks.”

A:  It’s been a little different for us with each of the boys.  But I think if not before, by about seven kids are curious about where babies come from and ready to hear a simple version of how babies are made.  We use the “God’s Design for Sex” series, and it says it can be used starting at five years old.  At five Levi has no interest in hearing about it, but some kids might.   We begin it all just by answering the honest questions that come up, and never shying away from using real names for body parts, and so on.  It’s only awkward if you make it awkward!

Q  How much of your own past experience should you share with your children?

A:  Well, this one will be different for everyone, especially depending on your past experience.   I do think we need to be careful not to share too many of our past mistakes with our kids when they are young.  Even if we call them “mistakes”, our kids might use them as a sort of justification for copying those “mistakes” in their own life.  We need to be wise and cautious in the timing and extent to what we share.  Of course if you have a shining example of a life you’d love for your kids to model (like my husband,) then share freely!  But for some of us (ahem,) we may prefer to wait until our kids are older to share more.  Sometimes a vague mention of “I made some unwise choices and I could have avoided them if I had known…” might be just fine.  But getting into detail?  Not necessary!

OK guys…I just scratched the surface of the questions that have come in.  I truly would go on and on but I don’t want to have the world’s longest blog post, so I’m cutting myself off!

You are still welcome to send me questions or concerns in this area of raising teen and pre-teen boys.  Like I said, I have great hopes of doing more to support and encourage parents out there more in the future!

Aloha and Blessings,

Monica

BOOK GIVEAWAY WINNERS:  Thank you guys so much for commenting over at My Best Friend’s Funeral Book post!  I loved reading all of your comments.  The three winners, chosen at random, were:
Brenna W., Hallie D., and Morgan B!! Congrats to all of you!  
I have already emailed these three, but if i do not hear back from them by the end of the week I will choose new names and announce then! 🙂
Thank you all, and everyone else–order the book, I know you’ll love it!