The Biggest Goal I have this Year
How we can be world-changers. You and me.
Recently, I’ve talked a lot about New Years’ goals and all kinds of ambitious plans here on the blog. If you’re an Enneagram fan, you’re not surprised that I’m an Enneagram 3…also known as “The Achiever.” And I confess, I love it. I love dreaming, writing, creating, and sharing. And when it’s done, I can’t wait to do it all again.
But over the past few weeks I’ve been shifting my priorities a bit, and in case someone else needs this reminder, I thought I would share it with you, too.
As you might remember, my oldest son, Josiah, came home for the holidays from his first semester of college. It was such a special time, and though he had grown and changed in all of the college-kind of ways, thankfully he was still very much Josiah: Kind, helpful, encouraging, and super fun to have around.
During his visit we all reminisced…told stories, laughed over funny memories, and reflected on God’s goodness to us through the seasons.
Then he left. And I continued to reminisce. I kept slipping into a quiet place, trying to remember what Josiah was like when he was 3. Or 7 or even 15. (anyone else neurotic like me do that?) I recalled that blue t-shirt he wore basically every day of 3rd grade and the “Shell Sales’ he used to set up in our cul-de-sac. (Thank you to the one neighbor who faithfully bought his shells.) I smiled, remembering those fantastically large front teeth (that he was totally unaware of) before the rest of his body caught up with them.
Thoughts moved then to each of my boys, and I was straining my brain to picture them each in various seasons and stages. Interestingly, it wasn’t the highlights I was recalling. I didn’t think about our trip to Disneyland or even the Christmas they all got their first bicycles. (though those are great memories.) The memories that filled my mind were the DAILY days…the ordinary, nothing special days of breakfast, naps, walks to the park, school work, band-aids, prayers, and bedtime stories. The memories were happy, but oh my heart began to ache deeply for how time has gone by so quickly.
Of course in those early years, time seemed to crawl by, the monotony of the days stringing one into the next. No one is watching us moms do the heroic work then. No one applauds us for being up at night to feed a baby, or soothe a kid with a fever. Back then I might have dreamt of a job or a hobby or a vacation or anythingatall to relieve me of the mundane. I wanted so much to raise great sons , yet it was hard to see that I was getting anywhere. I certainly didn’t feel important or like a world changer then, but looking back now, I know I was.
Now that I see who my older boys are becoming, I am all the more sure of it.
There’s a lot I like about that Mom I look back and see. She didn’t have a blog and she had never heard of social media. She hadn’t discovered the Enneagram so she didn’t even realize that she was an “Achiever.” She was actually pretty regular, and often lonely — raising three little boys on an island while her husband trained ridiculously long hours to become a doctor. She was far from a perfect mom, but she showed up every day. And she did her best.
These thoughts made me wish that I could go back, even just one more time, to those early, simple days. And though the memories are mostly really good, and thankfully, I have very few regrets, I do wish I had enjoyed each moment a little bit more…lost my temper a little bit less. I wish I had held my older boys more, even when there were little ones demanding my attention.
I could only stay in that place of reflection for so long before I was struck by the reality that I still have three more boys right here in my home. Three boys who are growing and changing before my eyes. Boys with their own shell collections, over-worn t-shirts, and another one with the big, beautiful front teeth. (it comes from my side of the family. 😉 )
And I realized the simple but profound truth that today — right now! — is a day that some future version of me will look back on and strain to remember. Today is quite literally a future memory.
And oh how I want it to be a good one.
Because now my plate is a bit more full (overflowing, actually.) I have social media to connect, distract, and entertain me. I’ve been blessed with this awesome blog and a book deal and so many possibilities. Now I do know about the Enneagram, and that I’m wired to be an achiever, so there’s my permission to go crush goals and do all of the things!! I see those women on social media who are raising kids while running empires, and oh how they impress (or is it intimidate?) me.
Then I’m reminded of something a wise, older woman taught me years ago:
There are many things I can do, but only a few things that ONLY I CAN DO.
Only I can be a great mom to my boys.
Only I can be a great wife to my husband.
Only I can offer the nurturing, care-giving, middle-of-the-night soothing, hand-holding, motherly counsel, prayer, and compassion that my family needs.
And while some women may have the capacity to raise a family and still be sensational-goal-crushing-success-stories, I’m pretty sure I cannot do it all. Or at least do it all well.
Even while I was writing the chapters of my Boy Mom book, and faced days where I could work on it just a little bit more, or spend quality time with my family, I was often reminded that the best thing I could do to write a great parenting book was to be a great parent. If I’m going to encourage people to raise amazing families, then by all means, I best be busy about raising mine. So, I am learning to be intentional with my time – never getting it perfect, but trying to keep my priorities straight. And then — I tell myself — I’ll have lots more time to write books and create things when my nest is empty. (I’ll have a lot more wisdom then, too!)
To be clear — I am super grateful for the work/ministry/opportunities that have come into my life. These things add joy to my days and definitely help keep me sane. But heaven forbid I ever mix these things up with the most important thing.
I don’t know if you relate to any of this, but I’m kind of guessing that a few of you will. Maybe some of you are considering a new job or some life change that you know (whether you’ll admit it out loud or not) will affect how present you can be as a mom and a wife, and maybe I can encourage you to really think about it before you do it. Maybe it sounds really stimulating or fulfilling, and maybe it will be. It may not be wrong. But honestly: It may not be best. For this season. For your family. In light of your most important thing.
I know many of you need to work to provide for your family, and that is often a completely loving choice. But as far as it depends on you to choose how you spend your time, I urge you to spend it wisely.
Because one day those kids will grow up, and (we can hope-) they will become independent. We know that tomorrow is not even promised. Time with our kids, our husband, and all of those we love may be shorter than we know. This day you are living..whatever season you are in…will one day be a memory. Today is a day you will reflect on when you’re older and grayer and have more quiet moments for reflection. So make sure you’re keeping your main thing your main thing. You’ll never be a perfect parent, or spouse, or anything else, but you can keep showing up. Being present.
Because true world-changing usually happens in the unnoticed, unglamorous but most important place we call home.
I’d love to hear from you…I invite you to share in comments below — a sweet memory from your kids’ earlier years, or the season you’re in now that may be hard to believe will one day be a treasured memory. I’d also love for you to share this post using social media (or in an email to a friend!) . If you haven’t already, I hope you’ll subscribe to this blog to receive a note when I post something new. Thank you for being here!
Hi Monica,
I’m so thankful for you, and your writing. Just today, I had a moment like you are describing. I have three little boys. (Well, one is now ten and not-so-little.) I do have a 30 hour a week consulting career that pays for Christian education, but Wednesday is my day off. I go to Bible study in the morning, and then pick up my 5-yr old Isaiah from preschool. On Wednesdays, my inclination is to run every errand and organize my house, because it my “my chance” but it is also my chance to be a mom. So I signed up for lunch duty for my 10 year old Elijah’s 4th grade classroom. I love listening to their conversations and asking them questions. 10 year olds are a dream. I also got to see my 8 year old Caleb, and it wasn’t lost on me that every child in his classroom knows my name. ❤️
Anyway, as I walked back across the street with Isaiah, through the ice and snow to our home, I had one of these moments. We live across the street from the Christian elementary school, and the several houses around us are filled with neighbor families that love us and love God the way we do….what an unexpected blessing, an oasis. Elijah is starting middle school next year, and we will have to drive him to another building. But THIS year, all three of my boys live in a world that feels like heaven on earth to me. I cherish my “mommy days”, as Isaiah calls them. And I stood there in the ice and snow and counted how many years I have left of any of my boys at this school across the street. Five. Five more years till Isaiah goes to the middle school. I know that I am currently living in the “The Good Old Days.” I waited a LONG time to have kids, and lost a fourth son along the way. I am very aware of the blessings God has given me (including my career). I feel like I am holding on so tightly! It will not always be this good. I could fall to me knees in gratitude and worship if I think about it too much! Your writing helps me think about how to raise these young men well. Thank you!!
Oh Becky…You brought me to tears with all of that. (i was there with you in the snow for a minute!) Yes such blessings and treasures you’ll remember forever. But you are embracing it now and that is SO wonderful. And each season will be amazing in its own way…Do not fear that this is the only “heaven on earth” — each season can be so rich. Just keep that gratitude and you are golden! Blessings and thank you. xo
Monica!!
You slayed this post. Thank you for your true and valuable words, and for being such an amazing sister to so many!
xoxo
kate
Thanks, Monica! I’m home with a sick middle schooler- maybe the last time he will “need” me when home sick. Seems likely that in the near future he can rest and recoup from minor illness on his own with me a mile or so up the road and a phone call away at my school. Instead of feeling stressed about ALL OF THE THINGS waiting for when I return to work tomorrow (hopefully) I will enjoy this time. Chatting, cuddling if I am lucky, maybe teaching him Yahtzee!
Side note- I thought I was the only one who teared up when I tried to recall by boys at specific ages. If I can successfully recall moments tears come. If I cannot recall Cullen at 7 or Evan at 4, the tears come. Growing up is a tricky thing. If I could choose a superpower it would be time travel. I would love to spend a weekend when my oldest was 10 months and he learned to walk on a trip to the beach. Or, just an hour to watch the joy in the littlest one’s face at his super hero parkour class at age 3. Or just a little while in the park and hear “Mommy look at me” and really cherish it. Big sigh…
Well said and beautifully written Monica. Oh to have those youngsters back in our daily lives. When my kids were toddlers, and older woman once said to me, “Don’t wish these years away, they go by all too fast.”
She was right, though I didn’t always fully embrace those words then.
Much aloha to you and your boys 😉 from S.Africa with love,
Penny
Monica, this is something the Lord has been reminding me in the past year and a half, since my homeschooling days came to an end. That my motherhood is still meaningful, even if now it consists of teaching in new ways and my days are filled with cooking for daughter-in-law, babies and a girlfriend in the mix. My “world changing” looks more like supporting two sons who are faithfully serving, helping my DIL wrangle two toddlers (and one more due in February), loving and supporting my husband and having time to actually love on my home more now. I’m still contributing, just behind the scenes, and yet, somehow this important work I’ve been doing is what has enabled my kids to go out and live out their dreams. All those simple days add up over the years and it’s those day to day memories that all come flooding back when we think of the important women who had an impact on us, in our own lives.
Thanks for sharing your heart.
SO beautifully said, Debbie! Thank you for sharing that! 🙂 I love to imagine being in the season you are in also, and hope and pray I will be near my grown children then. Keep up the great work! xo
This is SO good. I am crying, tears of everything here. You are so right. Thank you for sharing, as always. I appreciate your wisdom and taking me on your journey of motherhood with you. It is incredibly hard, yet incredible in all others ways too.
Oh thank you Erica! blessings to you as you keep doing the important work!! xo
Hi Monica
Thank you for sharing this wonderful blog. When I was reading I thought you have written keeping me in mind. Today I have been contemplating taking up a full Time job and yes my 10 yr old is on my mind. I always wanted to be present for my kids, raise them and guide them. My older one will soon go to university and I thought the younger one will need me more than ever. I know me being present has made a difference in their lives. I am in two minds. Take up full time job or persue part time work. The decision is difficult as I too need to work to maintain my sanity. Hope I get an answer soon from within. Thank you again for sharing the blog.
aw, yes…big choices and important ones. I’ll pray for you!!
Awwww! I’m right there with you. So often I have to remind myself that these days are fleeting and I can’t believe how fleeting. I think it has become such a reality as my oldest daughter went to college this year. I love it when she’s home and love watching her spread her wings!! God has blessed us and I’m so thankful for the kiddos and loving husband He gave me. I am humbled as I watch what He has done for us and through us. It is incredible to watch Him at work as He raises up my kiddos for His purpose. I love it and I am thankful for your reminder to love on the two I have at home that still need me. I have been trying to be more intentional and it is fun to watch our relationship go deeper. We all went through a time of adjustment but I think we’re finding joy in the journey again. Thank you for sharing your heart. You encourage me.
Thank you for your words. I’ve read your blogs off and on since my kids were younger. They are now 20 and 18. My son is in Marine Corps in California and daughter graduating from high school and headed away for college. It all happened so quickly. I appreciate every moment with them and can’t wait to know the people God has chosen them to be in the future and no matter what, I WILL BE PRESENT WITH THEM. 🙂
This is timely because I am learning to say No. I say it with love and sometimes a little regret, but I’ve come to realize that when I’m overextended and over-scheduled I can’t be all I want to be as a mom and wife. I have to work and I love my part time job as a 2 year old teacher in a Christian preschool, but some of my outside interests have had to take a back seat. This meant saying no to the Community Chorus and Theater I would love to be a part of and taking a step back from the Board of a local woman’s club and being “just a member” of the PTA. I’ve kept my kickboxing class (for my sanity), going to Bible Study and directing Sunday School because these feed my body and soul. The rest can wait and it’s really been the right choice for me.
Hi Monica, Thanks so much for taking the time to write this post and sharing what you’ve been going through in this phase. Our oldest son is also a Freshman in college, and like you, I’ve found myself on many occasions since he left lost in thought, straining to remember him through the years and questioning where the time (and my little boy) have gone. One thing we did that I believe has been helpful in easing the pain of going into his room is that we cleared out a lot of things he no longer needed and packed up a few boxes of possessions that he wanted to keep but didn’t necessarily need to have out any longer. Everything is super organized in boxes so if he needed something he’d know where to find it. His room is still very much his room, and we kept out the things that are most him and most precious. When I go into his room, I feel a sense of peace rather than sadness, and I think it’s because we decluttered to some degree. I also couldn’t agree with you more about your advice to moms about really thinking about how they choose to spend their time during these precious years. I left a 6-figure job in 1999 when our oldest was born. Yes, we had to sacrifice along the way, but we found the sense of peace gained when one parent is always available and not stressed by external obligations priceless. I always felt grateful that I could be there if one of my kids was sick and there every day when they got home from school. And like you, my attention now turns to my two children who are still at home. I will do my best to savor the remaining days I have with them now that I know what’s ahead. All the best to you and your family during this time. xo Ellie
Hey Ellie, Thank you so much for the comment. I love hearing a little of your story! Such great advice about clearing some things out and organizing (doesn’t that make just about everything in life better!? I’m always telling myself that! haha) I especially love your story about choosing to leave the corporate world and stay home with your kids. That must have been hard, but now you are seeing the fruit! Thanks for taking the time to comment. Blessings and aloha!