The Fastest Way to Re-Ignite a Spark in Your Marriage
A while back I said that I wanted to share some short/sweet posts related to marriage this year…Some encouragement for all of us, because when we’re in this season of raising kids and doing a gazillion other things, sometimes we lose focus on that most important relationship.
Mostly I just want to share with you some of the things that I am working on. Not preaching, but encouraging.
And let’s start with a reminder: Marriage has seasons. It’s normal to go through times where you feel closer to your spouse, and then a bit more distance….some sweet and easy times, as well as times with more stress or strain. A strong marriage can withstand all of those things. But a healthy marriage is also intentional, and requires some love and effort. In all of the seasons.
If you read my recent letter to my man, you know I am as guilty as the next weary mom of taking my husband for granted. Sometimes I’m not even very nice to him. But I don’t want it to be like that. I want to grow my marriage all of the time. I want to have the best marriage possible, because when the kids are grown and gone, we’ll still have each other. And I want those to be really good years!
Though I know you can’t force or fake feelings, I do believe you can do plenty to spark feelings. I think we can all make choices to foster thoughtfulness, and romance. And even if you would rather wait for your spouse to do it, I say: Don’t wait. Just make a move in the right direction. That’s usually all it takes.
Today I am sharing one trick that has never let me down. A helpful tool I have found to make me fall in love with my husband over and over again.
My trick is to simply REMEMBER. This one takes a little time, so you’ll need to stop: Be still. Give yourself the space to use your imagination for a few seconds.
Then remember. Remember first meeting him. Remember the eye contact. The smile. the attraction. Remember when you knew…really knew HE WAS THE ONE. Then remember all of the little things that added up to make you so sure.
Take it a step further and remember all of the ways you are truly blessed to be in this relationship now. Remember the last time he really pulled through for you. Remember how he helped you through rough seasons, or forgave you when you were difficult. Remember what he has sacrificed to care for your family. (Side note: Don’t let this side-track you into listing his failings or short-comings. Focus on the positive.)
Then, remember how attractive he is to you when he _____ (fill in the blank.) Maybe it’s something he says or when he dresses up. I think Dave is so attractive with his stethoscope around his neck (haha, silly but honest.) Do you love him in his dirty-work clothes or in his suit and tie? Do you love it when he plays with your kids, or plays the guitar? (I love both.) Just think on these things.
Take time to remember today.
Then, (I challenge you) take time to tell him some of those memories. Maybe in a random text or phone call. You might write them down. If you can get alone you might whisper them in his ear. Just let him know that you remember how it was at first. You remember why you fell so hard for him. And you remember why you want to be with him for a lifetime.
Whatever you focus on most is typically what will grow. Focus on the negative and you are bound to see more negative. Focus on that spark–the attraction you have for your husband, and you are very likely to feel more attraction. It’s science. It’s a choice. It’s a gift from God.
In comments: Will you share a first memory of the spark you felt for your spouse. Was it a love-at-first-sight thing? Did it take weeks or years or was it a whirlwind romance? Feel free to name what you love most about your spouse. I love to hear this stuff, and spouse-bragging is totally welcome here!
If this post encouraged you or you think your friends would enjoy it, please use the social media buttons below to Pin, and Share! 🙂 Mahalo!
With Aloha,
Monica
PS A great marriage book: Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
(Amazon Affiliate link….See full disclosure here.)
It was a love at first sight thing with my husband… He was so incredibly hot and I knew I had to have him. We got together in some very rocky times in both of our lives. We ended up going through a lot of hard times together and still managed to stay by each other’s sides. Our lives completely turned around for the better and we are now living great. I need to remember how much we’ve been through sometimes and I need to open my eyes to this Wonderful hardworking family man I have now. Sometimes things are so hectic with work and kids that we forget about one another. But I know he loves me so much and I love him. I’m ready to regain out spark.
I love this so much! Bookmarking for sure.
My husband and I were good friends in high school. On my 18th birthday, we were walking to the band hall after our last class, and he carried some of my stuff for me. When we got there, he said, “happy birthday,” kissed me on the forehead, and walked away. I think that was the day I started to see him as more than “just” a friend. We started dating a few months later, which was 18 years ago! 💜
It was my husband’s love for life and silliness that first attracted me 🙂 He had just started working at Best Buy with me and he smiled and conversed with me while he was Loss Prevention at the front and I was a cashier. I bought him a coke because he didn’t have his discount yet and the rest is history! We dated for 9 months, engaged for 6, and celebrated 10 years of marriage in February 🙂 Thank you for this post to remember what those feelings were at the start!
It was love at first sight! Tomorrow is our 8th anniversary. Never had I fallen for someone so fast. He still makes me smile everyday!
That is so refreshing to hear! And happy Anniversary! Hope you get to do something special! With Aloha 🙂
I love this idea. I love this story and haven’t told it in a while. So my husband pursued me when we first met. I wasn’t interested in a relationship, but I can still see the way he looked at me then, he was not giving up. We worked together and I would turn around and see him across the room looking at me with that smile. He took up for me with some of the older women who didn’t like the new young opininated girl, and didn’t like it at all when the young male manager kidded around with me. I moved away to college and he convinced my dad to give him the phone number because I had not even told him I was leaving. He called and left messages for me and would even drive over an hour to see me. When I was home for Christmas break we hung out some but still nothing serious. But he came over and helped my mom and me decorate our tree and played Monopoly with us. (He hates board games) I heard from a mutual friend that he had been seeing someone else and that was it. My jealousy kicked in, how could he! He was supposed to be into me?! Lol! It’s funny now, but that was when I decided that I didn’t want anyone else to have him. I started being the one driving the hour to see him. I knew after our first real date that I would spend the rest of my life with him. He wondered why it had taken me so long, he had known it since we met. That was 22 years ago.
So glad you shared the story–That was awesome!! I love it. And I hope you get to go through it all with your husband too–those are fun conversations! 🙂
And 22 years!? Wow–Way to go!
I remember the very first time I ever saw my husband, his eyes took my breath away and I was absolutely speechless upon looking at him. I was in the middle of a sentence to a friend, turned and saw him and I stopped mid sentence. He smiled and said “hi” and I laughed, looked at the ground and didn’t say anything. We started talking and the connection was instantaneous.
Amazing!! Love that story–thank you for sharing Milena! Aloha-
This is so great- I love things that make me think about the good in my life, marriage, and family! Our love was not a “love at first sight” kind of deal, but God was faithful and knew His plan was better than mine so he gave us another chance at meeting and the second time it stuck! I was in Australia doing a study abroad semester in college and I met this guy at a dinner who struck me as irritating and proud at best. I didn’t think I’d see him again but a week later he saw me at a local pub in St Patrick’s day and came up to ask me if I’d join him for a drink. I really didn’t want to but I politely accepted, cause I’m a nice girl like that 😉, and we got talking about church. I had no idea he was a Christian or that he led worship and that surprised me quite a bit. We talked for hours and he offered me a ride home after my friends ditched me to go to another bar and we talked til 5 am in his car! He told me things that were so close and personal, I felt like I knew him intimately after just one evening together. He asked me for coffee the next day and three months later we were engaged. It was a whirlwind romance but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. He is so right for me in so many ways and I often forget how incredible our story is, until I tell someone else! I love that God lead me halfway around the world to meet my husband and that He gave us everything we needed to pull through in the hard times, and that He is faithful in our lives as well as our four children’s lives…and the story is still unfolding!
I met my husband at a party where I only knew 2 people: my best friend and her boyfriend. Of course they went off on their own to do couple things and I was left on my own. My now husband Matt was just leaning against the wall, having a drink and I remember thinking he looked easy to talk to. So I just went up and asked if I could have a drink and he just handed me his cup and I took a sip (silly looking back with all the things people stuck in drinks but hey he was drinking it lol). He looked surprised and later told me he was impressed with how I was so casual and wasn’t self conscious at all (guess i hid it well). We ended up going outside and spent the ENTIRE party just talking about everything. Big things and small. He was so easy to talk to. I don’t remember what was said but I opened up to him and him to me. It felt right from the beginning. To this day, he is the person I can talk to about everything and anything. And the first person i go to with all my news. It’s the same with him. We started dating just 2 weeks later after some phone calls but that first night was when something inside me told me he was special.
LOVE your story!! I was following it like a movie! 🙂 Thanks for sharing. So great when our spouses can be our best friends!! Keep doing what it was that started it all!! Aloha-
A wonderful reminder to stop and really appreciate my husband- who is the quiet kind of awesome that makes me feel like a lottery winner! I met my husband while walking our dogs in a park that was all dressed up for Christmas -including live music and thousands of lights. The conversation and companionship were easy and instant. I thought he was so handsome and assumed he was “out of my league”. How shocked was I when, at the end of the walk, he suggested we drop the dogs at home and meet up for a movie. From the very first date I knew he would be an important person in my life-after a month I knew he would be the most important. I find him most handsome when he laughs- just can’t resist smiling when he smiles.
Thank you so much for this article. Sending you much love Jennifer
Firstly, I have been reading your blog for over 12 months (have never commented before) but wanted to say I LOVE how you write and what you have to share – to simplify life I have also decided to only follow you at the moment (not in a stalker kind of way though) because I love what you have to say. Anyway I have a funny story that my husband and I laugh about all the time now. When we were first dating my husband was the one in those moments to say ‘I love you’ and I would never say it back – awkward – I always said I wouldn’t say it until I knew 100% he was the one. Well, eventually I did say it (which obviously was quite a special moment after all his waiting!) and we have been married 20 years with three gorgeous children. I would choose him over and over again everytime – there is so much I love about him. Love him in a suit and tie and love that he is so contented being a dad and hanging out with us. Have a great day and you never know I might even comment again one day. xo
Oh Susan!!! You just made my day. Maybe my week. Bless you. Not only do I love that story (and your heart for your hubby and marriage/family!) but with such discriminating tastes that you have chosen me…my blog to follow! Seriously honored here. Now you have to come back and comment because we are officially friends!! XO Aloha!
I first saw by husband in a 9th grade choir class in a new junior high that just opened. I was trying to avoid everyone but he came and sat right next to me and started the conversation. He’s always been so thoughtful and a great listener. We didn’t come back together until our junior year of high school and have been together since (12 years). He is a gentle, kind, and loving man! I feel so blessed to share my life with him and our children. I still find him very attractive when he is playing sports. The light in his eyes melts my heart!
My husband was in the manager training program at the restaurant where I waitressed. One night we went out for a drink after work at a place called The Raw Bar Bay Cafe – it is long since closed, and it was the only time we ever went there, but I will remember that name forever. We sat and talked, sitting across from each other at a little two top table. I have no idea what he was talking about but he was so sweet and funny and handsome. Completely out of character I said to him “kiss me”. Oh my goodness, the look on his face as he stood up to lean over and kiss me. It was like he had won the lottery. That smile. I’ve seen it a thousand times since then and it always goes straight to my heart. We’ve been married for 23 years, with all of the ups and the downs, but he is the one I would choose again and again. One of the wonderful things about him is that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would choose me again too.
Oh way to bring tears to MY eyes!! Thank you for sharing. What a great story. And 23 years!? Well done! Aloha–
YES! I do this from time to time, but you’re absolutely right. It’s almost a spiritual discipline for marriage: it takes some effort but the rewards are so much greater.
I met my husband in the very first class of college. I was immediately attracted to him, but we didn’t form a friendship and start dating until the following year. I fell hard for him, and I remember thinking while we were sitting next to each other at a Bible study, before we were even dating, that I wanted to marry him.
Noah is most attractive to me when he’s playing with our kids or holding a baby—reminds me of how tender and gentle he can be. But he’s also very fit, and he has a lot of inspiring self-discipline, so I find him extra attractive when he’s in work-out mode.
awesome story–thank you for sharing! 🙂 Strong and gentle — that’s a great package!! Much aloha to you both!