Talking to your Teen/Tween about Peer Pressure

With summer on the horizon,  I can’t think of a better time to cover the next “Conversation” in our series!  Today is all about talking to your kids about…peer pressure.

The term “peer pressure” has been thrown around so much that many of us gloss over it.  We might assume kids are already aware of peer pressure, and they’ve heard all the messages:  Just say no.  Don’t succumb to pressure.  Believe in yourself.  Be YOUnique.  All of the cliches that hang on the walls of school cafeterias.

But peer pressure — in a million different forms, is still so very real.

And it’s important to remember that peer pressure isn’t just one thing.  It’s not necessarily what we imagine it to be.  It’s not just a group of tough boys gathered around some poor kid, pushing a beer in his face saying “Just try it!”
(that was my childhood image of peer pressure.)

Peer pressure can be sneaky.  It is often quiet.  It can come directly from other kids, or more generally from the culture we live in.

Peer pressure is any time a person (adults included, I might add) feels pressure to act, think, dress, or speak a certain way in order to fit in with others. 

{*Let’s all pause for moment of self-reflection.  Ahem.}

As for our kids…

Peer pressure can be feeling they need to be on top of their social media game, even if deep down they’d rather be throwing rocks or playing jump rope.

Peer pressure can be choosing to dress in the latest trends, even if deep down they’d be happiest in a sweatshirt and jeans.

Peer pressure can be listening to music that their peers listen to, even if they don’t like it…(or until they begin to like it just because they’ve listened to it so much.)

Peer pressure can be using words, slang, gestures, or anything else, when it is done to make someone feel accepted, or like they might better fit in with their peers. 

Peer pressure is all of this and so much more.

But here’s why parents need to pay attention:  The effects of peer pressure can absolutely affect the direction of our kids’ lives.

Small choices kids make in order to fit in can absolutely shift their path until their trajectory is a thousand miles away from where it would be if they had stayed true to themselves.

And that is exactly why I include this topic on our list of things to talk to our kids about.

Not once, but often.

We don’t have to refer to it as peer pressure when we talk about it.  We can simply talk to our kids about their friends, or those they follow on social media, the choices other kids are making, and how they might have the confidence to think and act independently.  How, down the road, they are likely to realize that being your own person is actually really cool.

Even if initially, it can be really hard to do.

During the tween and teen years there is a very real and strong urge to fit in.  As parents it is crucial that we are aware of this, and sensitive to how it affects our kids.  (In other words, don’t shame them for it; be compassionate in your approach.)

If your son or daughter does open up to you, be prepared to receive it.  If something is shocking, try to handle it calmly.  Stay cool as you listen, and do not overreact.  If they are facing pressures, you might talk through ways they can respond, or how to remove themselves from situations where they feel pressure.  You can role play situations, and offer creative ways to face up to the influences without compromising their values.  If they confess to choices they have made due to pressure, be ready to offer grace and suggest a new way to go forward.  You may find that outside help (your spouse, a friend, or a counselor) would be a good idea, but initially focus on listening.

You can talk to your son or daughter about the unique person they truly are.  (If you haven’t read the post/watched my video about Identity, you might start there.)  Take the time to introduce your kids to a variety of interests, sports, hobbies, art, music, and books.   If you can, give them time in nature to explore and appreciate life outside of technology.  It is never too late to do these things.  Perhaps summer is a time you can pull your child away and just “be” together.  Go camping or take walks, talk to them about life and gather a bunch of books from the library to explore their interests.

Because as great as friends are, if kids are constantly with their friends, they will never discover who they really are.  They might grow up to just be a clone of some other kid’s interests and habits (which are often just a clone of someone else’s…and on and on…)

Often more powerful than a lot of talking about this topic is bringing positive role models into our kids’ lives.  Sadie Robertson (and a crew of others from the “Duck Dynasty” younger generation) put on a “Live Original Tour” last winter to inspire young people to resist peer pressure and be uniquely themselves.  (Sadie also wrote a book: Live Original: How the Duck Commander Teen Keeps It Real and Stays True to Her Values)  You can help your son or daughter search for books or other on-line resources that support and inspire kids to discover their passions and gifts, and not give into peer pressure.  (I’m listing a couple at the bottom here.)

Finally: fill your kid’s love tank.  Encourage them, have fun with them.  Enjoy their presence.  When kids feel loved and embraced by Mom and Dad they are much less likely to go searching for acceptance elsewhere.

Set aside time to chat with your teen or tween about peer pressure soon, and let me know how it goes, ok?   And I hope you’ll use the social media share buttons below so your friends can find this post too!  (thanks!)

Josiah and I put together a YOUTUBE video which I hope you (and your kids!?) might enjoy!  As he is about to graduate from high school, we talk about some of the decisions he has made during his tween and teen years to be authentic to his himself, and to pursue interests that may not be the most popular among his peers.  I have been really proud of how Josiah has grown up in this way, and I hope his story might inspire a few of your kids as well!  (We could have talked all day, but hope this short clip is helpful!) Click here to watch video and subscribe to my Youtube channel now!

With Aloha,
Monica

Here’s a few books I recommend:

Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No

(A favorite role model in our house–) Soul Surfer: A True Story of Faith, Family, and Fighting to Get Back on the Board

(for my fellow home-school friends, this just came out :)) Know Who You Are. Live Like It Matters.: A Homeschooler’s Interactive Guide to Discovering Your True Identity

A Young Man’s Guide to Making Right Choices: Your Life God’s Way

(another good one for girls–)  Liked: Whose Approval Are You Living For?

**I am an Amazon Affiliate, which means if you click-through and purchase a book I will receive a small commission.  (The cost is the same to you.)  Thank you of supporting my blogging efforts in this way!