Monica Swanson

the grommom

peer pressure

3 Genius Responses to Peer Pressure

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Teach your kids these 3 genius responses to peer pressure.

I grew up in the 80’s, when Nancy Reagan’s Just Say No to Drugs campaign was a total thing.  Everyone seemed to be talking about peer pressure, and Just Say No applied to any and all kinds of it:  Drinking, drugs, sex, you name it.  There were posters and assemblies and after school specials.  No question: it was a thing.

Thinking about this today makes me wonder:  Is peer pressure still a thing?  I mean, of course it is a thing (since, like, the beginning of time) but I mean, is peer pressure something talked about and focused on in schools, youth groups and etc?  This probably varies by region and school setting, but I personally haven’t heard much buzz in my community or even online related to the topic of peer pressure lately.

I have to admit, peer pressure hasn’t been a huge focus in our family.  My boys might have touched on it in their health classes, and I’d guess it comes up in their youth group discussions, but that’s about it.  Because my boys are homeschooled, and have been pretty wise about the company they keep, peer pressure just hasn’t been a big issue during their growing up years.

Or at least until recently.

Since my oldest son has taken a gap year before college, he has been working in new environments with a variety of people, many whom find him curiously wholesome…and therefore a great target for peer pressure.

We hadn’t even talked about this until recently when the topic came up, and Josiah filled me in on things.  Fortunately, he didn’t have any awful stories to tell, just the typical jeering of guys a few years older who think it would be fun to corrupt an innocent teenager.  And though I didn’t love that thought (what mom would?) I had complete confidence that Josiah was capable of handling that well.

And since this made me feel bad for not preparing him more, I was happy to hear that one of Josiah’s mentors totally had him covered; he had talked to Josiah about these things months ago, passing on some stellar responses to the most common peer pressure scenarios.

Josiah has had a chance to put this stuff into practice now (a number of times) and not only has it been super effective, I think he has enjoyed the process.

Personally, I think these are genius.  I love the simple, honest, and even thoughtful nature of these responses, and I thought a few of you might like to pass these on as well!  Or, if nothing else, this might inspire some good conversations with your kids, whatever age they are.  🙂

Here are 3 responses to use when faced with PEER PRESSURE:

*Be sure to read my 2 notes at the bottom as they are key to the effectiveness of using these!

  1.  When asked the “WHY” questions: “WHY DON’T YOU PARTY?”  (drink/smoke/have sex…etc.) or “WHY WON’T YOU TRY IT?” etc… 

He says:  “Someone I really trust, who has never steered me wrong, told me not to.”

Typical response from the other person:  “Who, your mom?”
Josiah said “Nope.”
The guy:  “Your dad?”
Josiah:  “Nope.” 
The guy:  “your grandparents?”
Josiah:  “Nope.”
Then he smiles and walks away.

Now if you know Josiah, you know this “trusted person” he is referring to is God.  And though he could get defensive or quote a bunch of Scriptures, or offer a wordy explanation for why he doesn’t do certain things, he doesn’t.  He keeps his response simple, then let’s them wonder, knowing they will be back to ask more questions later.

2.  When told He is “MISSING OUT”…. “HOW MUCH FUN IT IS”…or anything to suggest they have something he doesn’t. 

He looks the person in the eyes and smiles and with a slight shoulder shrug (I’m thinking the shoulder shrug is key 🙂 ) he says:   “Sorry.  I don’t believe you.”

No arguments.  No explanation.  He is entitled to his opinion, and this is obviously a subjective conversation. (BTW:  This one is my favorite.  I just laugh, imagining the whole scene.)

3. When someone tells him HOW MUCH FUN HE WOULD HAVE if he tried _________ (fill in the blank):

He smiles and says:  “Thanks, but, my life is plenty fun already.”  (Or “You have no idea how much fun my life already is.” etc.) 

Once again, they can’t really argue with that.  They do not know how much fun his life is, and even if they think his life looks or sounds dull and boring, this is a matter of opinion.  No one can argue that HE BELIEVES HIS LIFE IS SUPER FUN.  🙂

**NOTE:  Before I suggest everyone try using these phrases, or any like them, I want to note a few reasons why I think they are so effective for Josiah:

1.  He is well-respected.  Josiah is a happy and positive kid, known as a hard worker who never slacks.  He is fun and in general, well-liked.  That sets him up to be well-received when he stands up to peer pressure.

2.  He is confident.  When he tells someone  “I don’t believe” you, he says it with a straight spine and  self-confidence.  He is a humble kid, for sure, but he is not saying any of this with a question mark, or nervously looking around the room. He says it like he means it and I think people pick up on that quickly.

Anyone who wants to use these responses should first try to have these two things in place.  First, be a person who deserves respect.  (Be kind, hard-working and friendly.)  And also be prepared to speak with confidence.  (sometimes this takes time, so just muster up the courage to fake it at first.  Refuse to look weak or unsure if you’re going to use these phrases!)

These responses may not work in every situation, (sometimes Just Say “NO” is still best!) and I am aware that some peer pressure scenarios are much more serious and not to be taken lightly.  (If there is any chance your kids are facing intimidating peer pressure, then I highly recommend you have some conversations and help equip them — sooner than later!)

But for the more mellow peer pressure scenarios, these simple responses can be super effective.  Have they stopped people from teasing or questioning Josiah?  No.  But, at this point most of the people around him know where he stands, and I  think they have grown to respect him for standing his ground.

In fact, over time some of the questions have begun to be followed with other questions… Like:
Person: “So you won’t be partying this weekend?”
Josiah:  “Nope.”
Person:  (a little quieter and maybe off to the side,) “So, um, what church did you say you go to?”…

(True story.)

Because, of course, when someone who is struggling (which is most people) are confronted with someone who is happy and fulfilled…and the struggling person can’t seem to get the happy person to join with them in their struggling, sometimes they are wise enough to want to find out more about what makes that happy person so fulfilled.

And that’s the best part about all of this.

I hope these might inspire some good conversations in your home or with your friends.  Hopefully your tweens or teens can come up with their own responses based on their situations, because I do believe being prepared in advance is key to handling things well.

If you have found some effective ways to respond to peer pressure, or any encouraging stories to tell, please share in comments!

If this post has encouraged you, I’d love it if you would share with your friends using the social media buttons below.  Also:  You can click HERE TO SUBSCRIBE to my blog for updates when I post something new!

With Aloha,

Monica

 

 

Aloha, Monica

Talking to your Teen/Tween about Peer Pressure

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With summer on the horizon,  I can’t think of a better time to cover the next “Conversation” in our series!  Today is all about talking to your kids about…peer pressure.

The term “peer pressure” has been thrown around so much that many of us gloss over it.  We might assume kids are already aware of peer pressure, and they’ve heard all the messages:  Just say no.  Don’t succumb to pressure.  Believe in yourself.  Be YOUnique.  All of the cliches that hang on the walls of school cafeterias.

But peer pressure — in a million different forms, is still so very real.

And it’s important to remember that peer pressure isn’t just one thing.  It’s not necessarily what we imagine it to be.  It’s not just a group of tough boys gathered around some poor kid, pushing a beer in his face saying “Just try it!”
(that was my childhood image of peer pressure.)

Peer pressure can be sneaky.  It is often quiet.  It can come directly from other kids, or more generally from the culture we live in.

Peer pressure is any time a person (adults included, I might add) feels pressure to act, think, dress, or speak a certain way in order to fit in with others. 

{*Let’s all pause for moment of self-reflection.  Ahem.}

As for our kids…

Peer pressure can be feeling they need to be on top of their social media game, even if deep down they’d rather be throwing rocks or playing jump rope.

Peer pressure can be choosing to dress in the latest trends, even if deep down they’d be happiest in a sweatshirt and jeans.

Peer pressure can be listening to music that their peers listen to, even if they don’t like it…(or until they begin to like it just because they’ve listened to it so much.)

Peer pressure can be using words, slang, gestures, or anything else, when it is done to make someone feel accepted, or like they might better fit in with their peers. 

Peer pressure is all of this and so much more.

But here’s why parents need to pay attention:  The effects of peer pressure can absolutely affect the direction of our kids’ lives.

Small choices kids make in order to fit in can absolutely shift their path until their trajectory is a thousand miles away from where it would be if they had stayed true to themselves.

And that is exactly why I include this topic on our list of things to talk to our kids about.

Not once, but often.

We don’t have to refer to it as peer pressure when we talk about it.  We can simply talk to our kids about their friends, or those they follow on social media, the choices other kids are making, and how they might have the confidence to think and act independently.  How, down the road, they are likely to realize that being your own person is actually really cool.

Even if initially, it can be really hard to do.

During the tween and teen years there is a very real and strong urge to fit in.  As parents it is crucial that we are aware of this, and sensitive to how it affects our kids.  (In other words, don’t shame them for it; be compassionate in your approach.)

If your son or daughter does open up to you, be prepared to receive it.  If something is shocking, try to handle it calmly.  Stay cool as you listen, and do not overreact.  If they are facing pressures, you might talk through ways they can respond, or how to remove themselves from situations where they feel pressure.  You can role play situations, and offer creative ways to face up to the influences without compromising their values.  If they confess to choices they have made due to pressure, be ready to offer grace and suggest a new way to go forward.  You may find that outside help (your spouse, a friend, or a counselor) would be a good idea, but initially focus on listening.

You can talk to your son or daughter about the unique person they truly are.  (If you haven’t read the post/watched my video about Identity, you might start there.)  Take the time to introduce your kids to a variety of interests, sports, hobbies, art, music, and books.   If you can, give them time in nature to explore and appreciate life outside of technology.  It is never too late to do these things.  Perhaps summer is a time you can pull your child away and just “be” together.  Go camping or take walks, talk to them about life and gather a bunch of books from the library to explore their interests.

Because as great as friends are, if kids are constantly with their friends, they will never discover who they really are.  They might grow up to just be a clone of some other kid’s interests and habits (which are often just a clone of someone else’s…and on and on…)

Often more powerful than a lot of talking about this topic is bringing positive role models into our kids’ lives.  Sadie Robertson (and a crew of others from the “Duck Dynasty” younger generation) put on a “Live Original Tour” last winter to inspire young people to resist peer pressure and be uniquely themselves.  (Sadie also wrote a book: Live Original: How the Duck Commander Teen Keeps It Real and Stays True to Her Values)  You can help your son or daughter search for books or other on-line resources that support and inspire kids to discover their passions and gifts, and not give into peer pressure.  (I’m listing a couple at the bottom here.)

Finally: fill your kid’s love tank.  Encourage them, have fun with them.  Enjoy their presence.  When kids feel loved and embraced by Mom and Dad they are much less likely to go searching for acceptance elsewhere.

Set aside time to chat with your teen or tween about peer pressure soon, and let me know how it goes, ok?   And I hope you’ll use the social media share buttons below so your friends can find this post too!  (thanks!)

Josiah and I put together a YOUTUBE video which I hope you (and your kids!?) might enjoy!  As he is about to graduate from high school, we talk about some of the decisions he has made during his tween and teen years to be authentic to his himself, and to pursue interests that may not be the most popular among his peers.  I have been really proud of how Josiah has grown up in this way, and I hope his story might inspire a few of your kids as well!  (We could have talked all day, but hope this short clip is helpful!) Click here to watch video and subscribe to my Youtube channel now!

With Aloha,
Monica

Here’s a few books I recommend:

Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No

(A favorite role model in our house–) Soul Surfer: A True Story of Faith, Family, and Fighting to Get Back on the Board

(for my fellow home-school friends, this just came out :)) Know Who You Are. Live Like It Matters.: A Homeschooler’s Interactive Guide to Discovering Your True Identity

A Young Man’s Guide to Making Right Choices: Your Life God’s Way

(another good one for girls–)  Liked: Whose Approval Are You Living For?

**I am an Amazon Affiliate, which means if you click-through and purchase a book I will receive a small commission.  (The cost is the same to you.)  Thank you of supporting my blogging efforts in this way!

Aloha, Monica

Teens and Peers: What They Need Most, and How You Can Help

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Welcome to Part FIVE of my all things teen boy series.  If you need to catch up, find the lineup here:
INTRO, Preparing for Puberty, Kids and Porn, What to Expect in Puberty, Teens and Dating.

Whew!  We’ve covered a lot, haven’t we?

Today I will talk about teenagers and their peer relationships.  I know this is a big topic, and one blog post is not enough to cover it all, but we’ll at least scratch the surface, ok?!

*Side note: Feel free to substitute “daughter” for “son” throughout this post.  I’m referring to boys because that’s the theme of this series, but this one…is relevant to all teens. (pst:  Spread the word! 🙂 )

teens and peers

^^photo credit:  Grace Rebekah (follow her insta feed @girlwiththeredballoon)

I don’t know about you, but I remember well my own teenage years, and can still nearly feel the range of emotions that were part of them.  I made some good, and some very bad decisions during my teen years, and peer issues were a huge factor in both.  I went to public schools growing up, as did my husband.  Later we worked with teens in public schools through coaching (Dave,) teaching, (me,) and leading a youth group for many years (both of us.)  Now, of course, we are raising two teenage boys of our own, and have two more just behind them.

So  yes, the teen years are near to my heart in many ways. 

Now before I dive into what I consider the most important issue of the teen years, I want to touch on a foundational topic:

The Parent-Kid Connection.  

Ideally you have stayed in a good relationship with your son during his pre-teen years.  You have prepared him for the changes and challenges of his teen years.   You have developed a mutually respectful and trusting relationship with your son.

And if you haven’t?  Well, the good news is:  most experts agree that teens are usually willing (dare I say eager)  to build a relationship with you now.   If you come to them in humility and with respect, they will likely be very open.

This connection is important so that your son knows he has a safe place to bring questions…even fears or insecurities.  Make it clear you are there to support him.   And if he doesn’t bring things up, I encourage you to bring them up for him.

Because I always believe it is best to… Talk about issues before they are issues.

And one of the most important things you can talk about is something that affects all human beings, but is one of the greatest issues of the teenage years…

THE NEED FOR ACCEPTANCE

Teenagers are motived to a huge degree by the feeling of acceptance.  If they think that doing something, saying something, or being with a certain crowd of people will make them feel like “one of the guys,” or “cool,” or like they simply belong, they will be very motivated to do it.  Even if it is risky.  Even if it goes against a value or moral that they have known growing up.

So talk about it.  Affirm your son’s feelings, and listen if he is is willing to talk.

Then consider these three ways you can help your son with his need for acceptance.

First: 

Help your son develop a sense of identity and to feel secure in it.  Having a secure sense of self is probably the most important preparation a kid can have for his teen years.  A kid who is secure in himself will have the best chances of seeking out positive peer situations and enjoying his teenage years.

As for our family…Our boys have each found their self worth and a deep sense of security in their relationship with God.  Sure, they’ll still want to be accepted by peers, and it will sting if they feel left out, but it’s pretty cool to see their identity is built on something so secure.  Deep down they know that their life has purpose and they are loved.  Nothing will change that.

Second:

Help your teens feel like they belong in your family.  Sometimes, with all of the hormones and inner turmoil, teens will feel like their parents are picking on them to the extent that they feel rejected.  They may begin to isolate themselves from their own families.  Though there is a natural increase in outside relationships as a kid grows up, I highly recommend parents not let this go unchecked.  Instead, sit down with your teen and make sure that you speak words of love and acceptance to them.  Your unconditional love and support for your son is crucial.  They must know that they are accepted at home and that your family is incomplete without them.

Third:

Help your teens get involved in positive peer groups and in healthy activities.  Sports teams, youth groups, choir, band, robotics clubs, and so on….These are all places we can help our kids get plugged into that will be likely to give them healthy relationships and positive role models.  Will they be perfect?  No.  But combined with a family that supports them and makes them feel like they belong, these outside groups should be a really great place for kids to develop friendships and grow in independence.

THE GOOD NEWS IS…If these three things are in place, you may find that your teen never goes through any serious peer-related drama.  In fact, similar to my post on teens and dating, you might find that it’s almost a non-issue.
(Seriously! Young families–that’s really good news!)

A teenager who is secure in himself, feels accepted at home, and is plugged into healthy outside activities will likely do just fine though his teen years.  Peer pressure may not even be an issue, because he will choose to spend time with kids who are a positive influence, and stay away from situations that could be harmful.  He may admire and model himself after older kids and young adults who are awesome role models.  He may never be interested in getting involved with kids who are drinking, doing drugs, or getting involved sexually because he’s busy doing good things with good people that make him feel…good.

HOWEVER…Some of you are doing your best in all of these ways, and still your son is drawn to hang out with kids who you do not feel good about.

People  have asked me:  Is there really anything we can do about it?  

Yes, I believe there is.

It begins by embracing your role.  You are parents.  It is not your job to be your kid’s best friend.  It is your job to set rules, establish boundaries, and be clear about your expectations.  For example:  You can say no to your son spending time at a certain friend’s house if you don’t feel comfortable about it, or spending time anywhere you aren’t comfortable with.  For these short years that your son is in your home, make sure you parent with wisdom and diligence.

Will they always love what you are saying?  No.

So?

They will thank you later. 

You have a greater influence on your kid’s choices than you might realize.

An article at WebMD shares some helpful tips on parenting in the teen years.  Tom Hedrick, founding member of The Partnership for a Drug-Free America says that from his experience, not wanting to disappoint their parents is actually a very important barrier to teens making bad decisions.

See — They really do want to please you.  (even if they hide it well!)

Here’s a little more advice for parents on teens and social pressures from the WebMD article:

Take Time to Connect and Talk With Your Teen

Being a teenager is often a dance of push and pull. “Adolescents want to be independent and dependent at the same time,” says Benjamin Siegel, MD, pediatrician and fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics’ committee on the psychosocial aspects of child & family health. “On one hand, they want to assert their independence. On the other, they need their parents.”

Your teen probably feels intense pressure to fit in. She may not know how to talk about it. She may not talk much at all. It may take extra effort to connect with her, but chances are she hopes you will. “The more we understand what kids are going through, the more empathic we can be towards them,” says Siegel.

Be the ‘Bad’ Guy

Your rules and structure give your teen a framework for understanding the world, even if he protests. When Wallace asks teens what their parents could do to discourage drinking, the answers were surprisingly simple:

  • Talk to us. Teens say they want to know what their parents think and how they make decisions.
  • Punish us. Teens who break rules typically wait to see what happens. If there are no consequences, the rules don’t matter.
  • Limit overnight visits. Not having to go home can be too much freedom to handle.
  • Wait up for us. Knowing they have to face mom or dad, or both, in a few hours makes most teens think twice about the shape they’ll be in when they get home.

Teens want us to be involved.  And they respect our thoughts and opinions more than we realize.  That’s why I like to remind my boys often of the wise old saying…

SHOW ME YOUR FRIENDS AND I’LL SHOW YOU YOUR FUTURE.

Another helpful tip:  Make your home the hub!  If you can make your home a fun place to hang out, your kids will be more likely to bring their friends to your place.  You don’t have to go crazy with fancy games or toys, just plenty of food and a happy home will do.  It’s a great way to get to know your son’s friends, and you’ll likely end up with a lot of laughs too.

If your kids seem bent on hanging out with friends who are a bad influence, you need to consider your options as a family.  Family therapy may be really helpful.  You might consider homeschooling, even if just for a season.   Your kids’ life and future are worth taking things really seriously.

Peer pressure.   This post is crazy long, and I still have not focused on the issue of helping our kids face peer pressure.  As you can tell, my heart’s desire is to keep our teens in positive social settings where peer pressure is minimal, so that’s what I focused on here.

But peer pressure is a very real thing, and most of our kids will face it in one form or another.  It is a big topic, worthy of its own post (or series!)

But in brief…

The first thing I recommend (warning:  broken record alert…) is to talk to your kids early on about WHAT IS peer pressure.  How does it present itself?  What does it look like, and (maybe more importantly,) what will it FEEL like?  Be honest and open with your kids about this topic, and talk talk talk about it before they face it.

Next, help your kids create a game plan.   Experts suggest role-playing situations that your teen might face.  Let them practice saying no, or escaping a situation that they truly do not want to be in. Just showing them that you are aware of the realities of their peer scene will make them trust you all the more.  Let them blame you when they need an excuse (“My mom would kill me!”)  If they have actually gone through the steps in role-playing, they will be more likely to follow through when they face the real situation.

Bottom line:  If your teen knows that you are on their side…That you are cheering for them and you believe in them, they are much more likely to make good friends, and positive life choices.  

You can do this parents.  Keep pressing on, and enjoy those teens!

 

Do you have a question, an experience to share, or anything to encourage other parents? Share in comments!  If nothing else, I’d love to hear the age range of your children as this helps me know my audience’s needs for future posts!  Thank you!

Also, if this post has blessed you, please pass it on to your friends using the social media share buttons below!

With Aloha,
Monica

PS:  Please understand:  I realize that this post didn’t get to even touch on some major hot topics related to teens and peers: Bullying, social media, and much more related to peer pressure, just to name a few.  Each of these things would require a post of their own.  Please let me know what topics you would like more on if I were to add to the series.  ALSO:  For the last post in my series I will be doing a teen/pre-teen Q and A session!  So continue to leave questions or requests using the “contact form” or right here in comments!

Aloha, Monica