Teens, The Internet, & Social Media: Seven Steps that might Save your Kid
If you’ve been around for a while, you probably know that this is the stuff that gets me really fired up. I touched on computer filters in my teenage boy series, and I’ve gotten on my porn-proof soap box more than once. I am pretty passionate about wanting to help protect families in this way. Today I want to talk about —
Teens: Seven steps to a safer internet and social media experience.
Before I begin though, I need you to know that I never want to come across like I have it all together or I think my family is perfect. You guys — not at all. I am just like you, trying to figure it out and always feeling like I could do better. It’s never easy — the balance between where to pull kids in and where to set boundaries and where to mind our own business. I’m right here with you, scratching my head and praying and hoping I am doing it right.
But if there is one area that I really want to get right, one area that I honestly want all of us to get a little shaken up over, it is what our kids are doing online.
It is a simple fact: We are raising our kids in a world unlike anything we knew growing up. Technology is changing at lightning speed, and it is so important that we have some kind of a game plan for how we are going to deal with it. As overwhelming as it can be, this is NOT the time to stick our heads in the sand.
There are of course many reasons to be aware and even strategic when it comes to kids, the internet and social media. Cyber-bullying is an issue, as is the concern for your kids’ information or photos being passed around online. That is scary stuff. Kids need to protect their reputation for the sake of future jobs and relationships, and the list goes on. (Obviously, there is more than a single post could ever cover.)
More than anything else though, I want to protect my boys from pornography. The statistics (<– click to read some) on pornography use and addiction are staggering. (Click here to read some.) Pornography hurts people, ruins marriages, and destroys families. Oh and keep in mind: most pornography addictions are traced back to exposure in the early teenage years. {And if you really need a wake-up call, just listen to what Ted Bundy had to say just hours before his execution. (And he lived before the internet!!)}
So it’s true: I want my boys to have a holy fear of pornography. I put it right up there with smoking crack and joining a terrorist group. Boys: Don’t. Even. Go near it.
Trust me when I say that it took a few close calls before we figured some things out. Those are stories for another time, but suffice it to say that I am just passing on to you what we have learned. And I think we’ve come up with an approach that is both cautious, and realistic.
SO, finally…here’s the list:
1 Filter everything
If you are raising kids, I believe that filters on all devices is a must. They prevent so many potential dangers, I can’t think of any good reason not to have them. We use Covenant Eyes, and we are completely happy with it! They have great technical support and a simple, easy-to-understand setup and communication.
Some people think filters are difficult to install or they will block every thing you try to do, and that just isn’t true. The only thing our filter has ever blocked has been sites that are actually dangerous or have the potential to be. We have Covenant Eyes set up on all of our devices and we get a monthly report showing us all of the sites they have visited (or even typed in the search bar) so yes, a filter is step one in my book.
2. Teach your kids about pornography and what to do when they see it.
Begin the conversations with your kids before they stumble upon it on their own. I most highly recommend using this book to do it: Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids
If you missed my full review of this book, then you can go back and read it here. The book is written to read with your kids, but the information is good for all ages (I learned a lot reading it.) Bottom line: Your kids WILL be exposed to pornographic materials, whether they are looking for it or not. Good Pictures Bad Pictures gives them a plan for what to do when they see it. Maybe most importantly: The book opens up a conversation with kids that is otherwise…really pretty awkward.
3. Use a cell phone contract.
IF your kids have a smart phone, (or an iPod), I suggest you start with a cell phone contract. This is a simple agreement between parents and kids agreeing to how the phone will (and will not) be used. It’s brilliant! Click here to get your hands on a really good contract that you can download and print. (I just found it and I’m doing it now.)
4. Talk to your kids about social media.
Your next step is to just talk to your kids. “What social media apps do you want to use?” “What do your friends use?” “Why do you want them/how do you plan to use them?” etc. Of course it’s best to do this in a friendly and non-confrontational way, not like you’re grilling them or challenging them. Just be open and interested in what interests them. If they’re already using social media, ask them to show you. Do your best to not turn this into a fight. I recommend asking your kids for the one (or two?) most important apps they would choose if they could only use one or two. Let them know that you want to continue the conversation in a few days. Then hug your kid and move on.
5. Do your research.
Once you know which apps your kids like/want, then do your research. Look it up and read the good the bad and the ugly about that social media app. Ask some friends about their experience. Talk to your spouse. Pray and make some decisions. (My Instagram post will come soon.)
6. Set Boundaries
Now you come back together with your kid(s) to finish the conversation. You’ve heard them out. You’ve done your research. Now you get to be the parent. Once again, focus on being loving and positive in your communication. If you do not feel good about your kid (and you know your kids best) using a social media app, then it is your right (and your responsibility) to tell them not to use it. This will be harder of course if they have already been using it, but you’ll all get through this. Own up to your lack of knowledge and let them know that your love for them compels you. If you can find a creative way to make things work, do it. (Don’t just say no for the power trip.) Keep the communication open.
7. Check in. Readjust as needed.
If you have a filter, then read the reports and keep the conversation going. Let your kids know you’re proud of them for making good and responsible choices on the internet. Check their phone activity and talk through things as they come up. My rule is that if kids bring something to me, they will never get in trouble. Be your kid’s biggest cheerleader. These are tough days to be a teen, and it helps to try to imagine how you would have dealt with all of this stuff if you had it back then. (I would have been a disaster!!)
So friends…that’s a start. I could go on and on, but I’m cutting myself off at too many words already.
I wish you all the best as you love deeply, and parent well. It’s a huge job, but you’ll never regret a moment invested in your kids.
As always, if you found this post helpful or encouraging, I would love it if you would Pin or Share using the social media buttons below!
With Aloha-
Monica
*Some products in this post are Affiliate links. That means that if you click-through and purchase, I will receive some compensation, however the cost is the same to you. Thank you for supporting my blogging efforts in this way!
Single Mama of a 12 YO and 9 YO who are both non-binary…but who are “boy” minded let’s say. When they are here with me we are mostly screen free. No TV here, and neither child has a device. The 12 YO was accessing my ipad out of need for school last year during covid. They are in a Waldorf school and so it is a screen-free environment now that they are back at school. However, some parents allowed devices into their homes because of the last year, and as a result for those of us who say NO to our children having a device, it is cause my 12YO and I to but heads pretty hard, as their are feeling such FOMO about not having a phone, and I uphold the boundary really hard, trying to educate and also listen to my child…but this is causing such a rift at times, even the most kind listening to them about their fear of missing out because they don’t have a device….it ends up with them getting SO ANGRY at me and telling me I am overprotective etc. This kind of thing has not come up for us before, I am trying to stay open and listen, and also want to respect their autonomy and their growth into a teen…..but also want to be teaching them about the milestones (social & emotional) that need and should happen before a device is even part of the convo. HELP!!!!!!!
This is such a good question (and hard situation!) Sounds like you are doing a lot of things very well.
I think we chatted on IG as well, but one thought is, as they go into teen years to offer a deice with super limited access to internet, etc. Something they could text friends on and over time you could allow more freedom. Sissy Goff (author and counselor who is very well respected) suggests that we don’t necessarily want our kids to be “the last” to get phones. Cell phones are a reality in our culture today so it is wise to get them one at the right time and walk them through how to handle it responsibly (with filters if you do allow any internet) and that way when they are independent they will have had some years to learn how to handle it responsibly. Hang in there and way to be intentional about this!
One option to consider if wanting to stay away from apps is the light phone which is built for calling and texting and a few other basics, but does not create space for social media, internet browsers, etc.
Great option!! Thank you for sharing! 🙂 ALoha-
Thanks for a great post! There’s also a lot of great info from Love and Logic at LoveandLogic.com, and they have a wonderful CD called, “Hormones and Wheels,” and also another one which deals with this subject–you’ll see the name on their website although I cannot remember it just now! Thanks again!
A fantastic, informative, crucially important article for parents to read! It is our job to stay educated, updated and informed with social media in order to protect our children!
Although technology can be an incredible tool for learning in so many positive regards, it can also be what I considered, “satan’s playground to lure our innocent children! By keeping updated on the good and ugly of these apps, that our children are unfortunately, constantly being exposed to and are becoming more and more responsible for preoccupying our children’s minds, lives and past times, it is up to us as parents and care givers to keep educated about social media in order to protect our children’s innocence and keep them safe from danger and predators!!
Yes and Amen!! Thank you for the comment. I agree whole heartedly. Much aloha–
Fantastic, informative, crucially important read!!
Monica…this is a wonderful post. We just got the book. Your heart on all of this is so “for” kids and parents! You really model how I want to handle this! Thanks!
Thank you so much Hallie!! Your words are a big encouragement! 🙂 Glad you got the book too! Much aloha!
This is great Monica! Passing it on to a few friends as well. Xx
The problem is the apps- kids can get to inappropriate sites/images through the apps which you can’t block. They can also get to them through i music which can’t be blocked either. Additionally, an innocent search can be made, click on images, which do t have a url, and can’t be detected or blocked. Instagram- they can find porn images through the search without friending the person. Filters help- but may give you a false sense of security.
Great points to mention, I like to know my blinds spots as a parent, (and think I actually fear those the most, 🙈). I appreciate you sharing this!!
Wow, so helpful. Thanks Monica! We are just talking about this with our two boys 9 and 12. They have restricted screen time and we have filters, but I want to prepare them for when I am not around.
This made me wonder about another topic that parallels the pornography issue, masturbation.
We are struggling with how to talk about this issue and would love some Godly wisdom. We are finding it to be a fine line between sparking a fire of curiosity and putting out a flame!
Thanks for all of your posts, they really do give me a great amount of encouragement and HOPE;)
Just ordered the book Monica, thank you so much for your help with this tough topic. Really appreciate you & all you do to share with other parents. Mahalo!
Thank you so much Sarah! I’m glad you ordered it…it’s really well done! 😉 XO
We have started these conversations with my 11 year old and talk about it all the time. I want it to be my voice in the back of his mind reminding him to make good choices. We’ve also used some scare tactics – in the sense that we watched videos about kids getting groomed or tricked and then killed. It was a tough decision to expose him to how awful the world can be at such a young age but we wanted to get in front of the issue. We’re like you are with the porn, Monica, we want our boys to make very careful decisions about who they talk to on the internet – as in don’t talk to anyone you don’t already know. But I really appreciate your post because I always forget about the THINGS they may stumble across, I’m always focused on the people. And I even read your post about porn a long time ago! Thanks for reminding me about the other half of that conversation that I haven’t focused on!
I love you too. Man, you are spot on!
If your sons are on Instagram one thing to be aware of is the explore posts page. I am sure you are aware of this and most likely use it yourself. I have found that Instagram puts different accounts on the feed based on the type of people I follow. Even though I am a mom and follow home/food/mom blogger type accounts I still occasionally see pictures of provocatively dressed and posed woman and even sometimes soft porn. There is no way to filter these pictures and I am sure a young boy could quickly get sucked down a rabbit trail looking at the images. Also, I am sure there are even more of this type of pictures on a boys account.
thanks kaitly–
Yep, I know about the explore page. (Like I said, set out to write an entire post about Insta. :))
Glad you’re already aware of that, and yes–defnitely more on a boys’ page, you’re right. Thanks for commenting.
I look forward to reading about your thoughts on Instagram. So frustrating that there is no way to filter the junk out. I have a five year old boy and am thankful for all your wise guidance and tools for keeping our sons pure.
This conversation you started has helped me so much in raising my two boys. Just getting it out there. Talking about it with them and making it more of an everyday thing and not something to hide… its worked wonders. I know nothing is fail proof BUT my husband and I want open communication in all things in our house, nothing is off limits to talk about in that safe place. And maybe it will help them be more confident to make good decisions. Thank you for putting it out there. It was such a taboo topic in my house growing up.
Thank you Paige. That means so much to me! Way to go as well, it’s one thing to get inspired and another to follow through and make it your normal. Much Aloha-
Monica, Thank you for this blog post. I’m dealing with this now and working backwards, unfortunately. I have a question. Do you tell your kids that you have an app that can monitor what they look at, covenant eye? Also, what do you do if you notice a post from a fellow classmate that you don’t particular like?
Thank you Chrissy! Yes, the boys know we use the app (they were actually super grateful when we finally installed it, as they knew there were so many things just a click away and they actually did not want that temptation.)
You mean a post on Instagram from a classmate? When we scroll through our boys’ feed, we talk to them about anything of concern–from photos to comments etc., but we have also come along side our boys and “unfollowed” people who have posted inappropriately. Even better is when our boys show us who they are choosing to unfollow and why. Big steps of maturity then! 🙂 (And if I misunderstood your question, feel free to let me know and i’ll try to answer better.) ALoha-
Thank you for this information. My child is only nine but has a phone. He spends 1 hour on watching videos or playing with game apps per day if he finishes all his work. He sees his dad every other weekend with no limits on screen time. How can I handle that? I’m not allowed to dictate their activities but he comes home so zombied out from spending 2 days on a device. He also gains a pound or two from eating 5-6 fast food meals without exercise. Poor kid.
Oh that is a tough one. I think your screen time rules sound good, but the only suggestion I have for the weekends at dad’s house is to have the conversation with the dad…Is that an option to just talk about it as an area you are working on and “can we both be on the same page?” (maybe that’s too difficult in your situation..) Either way, I would definitely have a filter on his phone since he is looking at it when you’re not there and anything could come up. The filters work great on phones! (one plan covers multiple devices so it’s quite easy!)
I love your idea that your children will never be in trouble for something if they bring it to you – its something I’d like to adopt. I find your posts are really useful trying to do the right thing bringing up our two boys.
Good place to start, thanks Monica, I’ll look up Covenant eyes. My 13 year old son doesn’t have a phone, only a tablet and he uses Instagram. His account is also on my phone so I can check any time what he’s up to. A couple of months back he got into enormous trouble because I intercepted a message between him and his little “girlfriend” in which he used some especially foul language to describe various activities. This use of truly appalling sexually explicit language has been a big problem among the 13-year-olds (first year of high school) at our school and it has been addressed by the school and parents, but it’s shocking when you think you’re bringing your child up with decent values, limiting his exposure to sexually explicit and violent Tv, games and internet sites, and yet still this crops up. I think a lot of it has to do with being at an all boys school where bad language is used to try to impress others, and obviously int he first year of high school they’re also trying to make their mark, but my son is now under no illusions whatsoever about what will and won’t be tolerated. I did not handle it in a kind and loving manner at all, more like a dragon breathing fire, but we have had some much more tolerant and loving discussions since then. Of course he knew that what he’d done was unacceptable because he was immediately contrite and there were immediate apologies which is not normally the case when he’s in trouble. He wouldn’t revel where the ideas and language had come from, and when I checked his online history I couldn’t see any inappropriate sites, but that doesn’t mean he hadn’t been to any. Sigh! This parenting is hard work! Thanks for all your support and suggestions – everyone all over the world is dealing with the same issues!
I came across this post after reading yours. Wanted to share…
https://mothersniche.com/what-i-wish-every-parent-knew-about-instagram/
Thanks Jennifer. I also shared that on Facebook two weeks ago, and will mention it in my upcoming post. 🙂 I have some additional thoughts to add to that, however, which is why my boys are still able to use Instagram. But I’m glad she wrote that post and I think it has been enlightening to a lot of families!! aloha-