Kids, The Internet, & Social Media: Seven Steps that might Save your Kid (this summer)
Timely announcement! — June 5-9th 2023 the doors to the Raising Tech-Smart Kids Mini-Course are OPEN!! It is everything you need and nothing that you don’t! — guidelines, resource list, help for video games, social media, and 2 awesome interviews! — > Visit the course page to see all that is in it!
Parenting can feel like an overwhelming task, and none of us are gonna get it all right. (I know I don’t!) I am so glad there is grace for that! However, now that my 3 oldest are “grown ups” (๐ญ) I can look back and see that some topics really, really matter.
And technology is way up near the top of that list.
So, as we head into summer, I wanted to offer a little technology refresh. I pulled up this post which I wrote years ago, and I am updating it with with some new thoughts and suggestions. I hope and pray it will inspire some action steps, or maybe just reinforce what you’re already doing. (high fives! I know so many of you are working so hard at this!)
Find a printable checklist of these 7 steps at the end of the post.
Also: I’d be so honored if you passed this post on to friends or shared to social media.
PS I wrote this originally for parents of teens and it was primarily focused on social media. While much of this still applies to both, I have adjusted it to be helpful to parents of all kids and it is focused on all screen-related activity!
Seven steps to safer and healthier screen time this summer.
Before I begin though I want to acknowledge that this is a super challenging topic. Technology is changing at lightning speed. There is not a formula for any of this, and the minute we think we’ve got things figured out, either technology will change or our kids will. ha. So please know that I am just like you, trying to figure it out and always feeling like I could do better.
It’s never easy — the balance between where to pull kids in and where to set boundaries and where to mind our own business. I’m right here with you, scratching my head and praying and hoping I am doing it right.
But if there is one area that is worth working really hard to get it right, it is what our kids are doing online. It is so important that we have some kind of a game plan for how we are going to deal with it. As overwhelming as it can be, this is NOT the time to stick our heads in the sand.
There are of course many reasons to be aware and even strategic when it comes to kids and screens. Cyber-bullying is an issue, as is the concern for your kids’ information or photos being passed around online. That is scary stuff. Kids need to protect their reputation for the sake of future jobs and relationships, and the list goes on. (Obviously, there is more than a single post could ever cover.)
More than anything else though, I want to protect my boys from pornography. The statistics (<– click to read some) on pornography use and addiction are staggering. Pornography hurts people, ruins marriages, and destroys families. Oh and keep in mind: most pornography addictions are traced back to exposure in the early teenage years.
So it’s true: I want my boys to have a holy fear of pornography. I put it right up there with smoking crack and joining a terrorist group. Boys: Don’t. Even. Go near it.
Trust me when I say that it took a few close calls before we figured some things out. Those are stories for another time, but suffice it to say that I am just passing on to you what we have learned. And I think we’ve come up with an approach that is both cautious, and realistic.
SO, finally…here’s the list:
- Talk to your kids. Like, have an intentional conversation about summer and screens. When all my boys were home, they got used to me randomly calling out “Team meeting!” and that meant huddle up, Moms got stuff to say.
Probably even better would be for Mom and Dad together to plan a meeting — maybe after dinner one night over ice cream. Or while on a summer-kick-off picnic. The point is, let’s not do that thing where we throw out some new rules or guidelines and assume everyone gets it. Make this a real meeting that sticks.
It’s up to you what you talk about when you meet, but by the end of this list hopefully you’ll have some ideas. I suggest opening up just by addressing the issue: “Kids. Technology is a big deal. It’s a big responsibility. I know you know this, but we (Mom and Dad) have a perspective that you don’t. And you need to trust us when we say, there’s a lot of good, and a lot of potential danger just a click away on the screens we all use. We want so much to help you grow up with a healthy relationship with technology, and this summer is going to be a great time to practice. We’re gonna set some boundaries. You may not like them. We’re doing it because we love you and you’re just gonna have to trust that.”…Then take it from there.
Of course families meetings are best short and sweet (I’m reminding myself!) And you’ll adjust all of this to the ages and attention span of your kids. But by all means, talk about this like it’s a big-person topic, because it really is.
- FILTER EVERYTHING
It is so important that all devices that your kids are on have an internet filter. There are many to choose from, with various features and prices. I think there are even some decent free filters. I put off filters for a long time thinking they would be difficult to install or get in the way of everything we wanted to do. I was wrong. We eventually started using Covenant Eyes and we have been happy with them for years.
I am able to adjust setting depending on the age/maturity level of my boys and I will be notified if anyone attempts to visit a site that flags their system. I also get a weekly report of random screen shots from all devices. I think this is great because my boys know that whatever they are looking at may be reported to me. In other words, even if they’re watching innocent movies or wasting time in some other way, Mom is likely to find out.
I am sure some of you have all different ways to tracking what your kids are doing on devices and I applaud all of the effort. I simply know myself well enough to know that I’m not great at keeping up on a lot of apps and settings so a solid filter has offered me a lot of security.
HOWEVER: We all need to know that a filter alone is not enough. There is always a way around a filter and once a child is inside an app (whether it’s YouTube or Google Earth) filters are not effective. So, please do your due diligence to set parental controls, turn off apps, or whatever you need to do to make sure your child is safe. (And return to #1 — keep the conversation going!)
- Set Time Limits (for the whole family!)
We all want to help our kids reign in their screen time, but we have to start off by recognizing that we might be more addicted than our kids are. So, let’s start this one with a little self-reflection. Perhaps we adults need to pray, get accountability and set up some safe guards for our own phones and other screens. (I’m looking in the mirror as I type you guys!)
As for the kids: Unfortunately there is not a one-size fits all formula for screen time. But the amount of time kids should be on screens is probably less than we think.
Consider all of the things they can do with their time and decide how much time they really need to be on screens. You might motivate them by having them earn screen time by exercising or reading. But it will help to establish guidelines and to have regular routines and rhythms for the family to follow.
For example, kids might get an hour a day in the summer to be on screens, after they do anything else you require (reading, chores, etc.) Friday night might be family movie night. etc. If they play video games, you might set a specific time to gather with friends for that. This helps them know what to expect and will limit kids always asking for more. The hardest thing about setting rules on these things is sticking with them!
- Teach your kids about pornography and what to do when they see it.
Begin the conversations with your kids before they stumble upon pornography on their own. If they’re older and you haven’t talked about it, then this might be a good (even if awkward) topic to add to that family meeting. I most highly recommend using this book to do it: Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids
If you missed my full review of this book, then you can go back and read it here. The book is written to read with your kids, but the information is good for all ages (I learned a lot reading it.) Bottom line: Your kids WILL be exposed to bad pictures/pornographic materials, whether they are looking for it or not. Good Pictures Bad Pictures gives them a plan for what to do when they see it. Maybe most importantly: The book opens up a conversation with kids that is otherwise…really difficult to open up. - Use a technology contract.
IF your kids have a device of any kind, I suggest you start with a technology contract. This is a simple agreement between parents and kids agreeing to how the device will (and will not) be used. There are many technology contracts available online, and I created one for my book readers that I will share with you, here
- Have a clear game plan related to your teen’s use of social media.
Social media is a complicated topic, but it is very much a part of the landscape of our teenage culture, (and our world) today. It seems like social media so quickly became normalized in our culture, yet we have to remind ourselves (and our kids) that it is still relatively new! We don’t have studies to show the long-term effects of a generation growing up using social media. I encourage families to take this one slow.
Research has shown that people (including but not only teenagers) report feeling LESS HAPPY after ten minutes on social media. Hello. That alone should give us reason to pause.
Is there potential good in social media? Sure. But it takes a very mature, secure, grounded teen to be ready to handle for all of the potential negatives, from seeing inappropriate (unfiltered) images, to the insecurity and FOMO it can trigger, and on and on.
I encourage you to do your research on any social media app your kids have or want to have. Common Sense Media is a helpful guide for this. I also highly recommend signing up for the free “Culture Translator” weekly email by Axis. This is a great way to keep up on anything new or trending in the teenage culture that we are likely to miss otherwise.
When you do allow your kids to use social media, I highly including on your technology contract the expectation that parents can look at whatever they are doing at any time. Even Direct Messages. That might seem intrusive, but remember — they are still your kids and they are learning how to navigate this stuff. Your eyes on their messages could very well save them from a massive mistake that could follow them the rest of their life. They need coaching and accountability. They need to realize what a huge responsibility it is to use social media.
- Keep Talking. Adjust everything as needed.
We circle back now and finish this list just like we started it. By communicating. It is so important to keep encouraging your kids. Let them know how much you love them. How proud you are of all the good choices they are making (look for them, Mom and Dad!) Also, if your child is proving to be responsible and respectful, you might extend some of their privileges. In fact, letting them know that you will increase their freedoms as they prove responsible will be a motivating factor for them to handle all of these things well.
My rule is that if kids bring something to me, they will never get in trouble, but if I discover something sketchy, they are sure to have consequences.
I encourage you to pray for your kids and with your kids. Remind them that none of this is a surprise to God and He placed them in this world at this time knowing they’d face these things. They don’t have to look like everyone else around them, with their face in a phone all of the time. Perhaps they are ready to rise up and be different from the culture as they pursue excellence in their growing up years. Also, when it comes to temptation, share with them:
1 Corinthians 10:13: No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
As much as possible, be your kid’s biggest cheerleader. These are tough days to be a teen, and it helps to try to imagine how you would have dealt with all of this stuff if you had it back then. (I personally cannot imagine.)
Keep in mind, I have a full chapter on technology in both of my books, Boy Mom, and Raising Amazing. I also have a page with any podcast episodes or blog posts I have written on the topic. There is a super helpful guide for video gaming over there too, as I know I didn’t get to cover that in this post.
If you have specific questions or a recommended topic for me to cover related to technology, please comment below and let me know! Again, I hope you might pass this post along to your friends as there may be no more important topic as we head into summer with our kids.
I wish you all the best as you love deeply, and parent well. It’s a huge job, but you’ll never regret a moment invested in your kids. And I’m praying that you and your kids have an amazing summer ahead!
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With Aloha-
Monica
*Some products in this post are Affiliate links. That means that if you click-through and purchase, I will receive some compensation, however the cost is the same to you. Thank you for supporting my blogging efforts in this way!
Hi Monica, I paid for the internet course but I can’t log on. The system says my password is incorrect and I asked for them to send me a new password but there is nothing in my email, spam or junk mail folders. Please advise.
Thanks,
Laura
Single Mama of a 12 YO and 9 YO who are both non-binary…but who are “boy” minded let’s say. When they are here with me we are mostly screen free. No TV here, and neither child has a device. The 12 YO was accessing my ipad out of need for school last year during covid. They are in a Waldorf school and so it is a screen-free environment now that they are back at school. However, some parents allowed devices into their homes because of the last year, and as a result for those of us who say NO to our children having a device, it is cause my 12YO and I to but heads pretty hard, as their are feeling such FOMO about not having a phone, and I uphold the boundary really hard, trying to educate and also listen to my child…but this is causing such a rift at times, even the most kind listening to them about their fear of missing out because they don’t have a device….it ends up with them getting SO ANGRY at me and telling me I am overprotective etc. This kind of thing has not come up for us before, I am trying to stay open and listen, and also want to respect their autonomy and their growth into a teen…..but also want to be teaching them about the milestones (social & emotional) that need and should happen before a device is even part of the convo. HELP!!!!!!!
This is such a good question (and hard situation!) Sounds like you are doing a lot of things very well.
I think we chatted on IG as well, but one thought is, as they go into teen years to offer a deice with super limited access to internet, etc. Something they could text friends on and over time you could allow more freedom. Sissy Goff (author and counselor who is very well respected) suggests that we don’t necessarily want our kids to be “the last” to get phones. Cell phones are a reality in our culture today so it is wise to get them one at the right time and walk them through how to handle it responsibly (with filters if you do allow any internet) and that way when they are independent they will have had some years to learn how to handle it responsibly. Hang in there and way to be intentional about this!
One option to consider if wanting to stay away from apps is the light phone which is built for calling and texting and a few other basics, but does not create space for social media, internet browsers, etc.
Great option!! Thank you for sharing! ๐ ALoha-
Thanks for a great post! There’s also a lot of great info from Love and Logic at LoveandLogic.com, and they have a wonderful CD called, “Hormones and Wheels,” and also another one which deals with this subject–you’ll see the name on their website although I cannot remember it just now! Thanks again!
A fantastic, informative, crucially important article for parents to read! It is our job to stay educated, updated and informed with social media in order to protect our children!
Although technology can be an incredible tool for learning in so many positive regards, it can also be what I considered, “satan’s playground to lure our innocent children! By keeping updated on the good and ugly of these apps, that our children are unfortunately, constantly being exposed to and are becoming more and more responsible for preoccupying our children’s minds, lives and past times, it is up to us as parents and care givers to keep educated about social media in order to protect our children’s innocence and keep them safe from danger and predators!!
Yes and Amen!! Thank you for the comment. I agree whole heartedly. Much aloha–
Fantastic, informative, crucially important read!!
Monica…this is a wonderful post. We just got the book. Your heart on all of this is so “for” kids and parents! You really model how I want to handle this! Thanks!
Thank you so much Hallie!! Your words are a big encouragement! ๐ Glad you got the book too! Much aloha!
This is great Monica! Passing it on to a few friends as well. Xx
The problem is the apps- kids can get to inappropriate sites/images through the apps which you can’t block. They can also get to them through i music which can’t be blocked either. Additionally, an innocent search can be made, click on images, which do t have a url, and can’t be detected or blocked. Instagram- they can find porn images through the search without friending the person. Filters help- but may give you a false sense of security.
Great points to mention, I like to know my blinds spots as a parent, (and think I actually fear those the most, ๐). I appreciate you sharing this!!
Wow, so helpful. Thanks Monica! We are just talking about this with our two boys 9 and 12. They have restricted screen time and we have filters, but I want to prepare them for when I am not around.
This made me wonder about another topic that parallels the pornography issue, masturbation.
We are struggling with how to talk about this issue and would love some Godly wisdom. We are finding it to be a fine line between sparking a fire of curiosity and putting out a flame!
Thanks for all of your posts, they really do give me a great amount of encouragement and HOPE;)
Just ordered the book Monica, thank you so much for your help with this tough topic. Really appreciate you & all you do to share with other parents. Mahalo!
Thank you so much Sarah! I’m glad you ordered it…it’s really well done! ๐ XO
We have started these conversations with my 11 year old and talk about it all the time. I want it to be my voice in the back of his mind reminding him to make good choices. We’ve also used some scare tactics – in the sense that we watched videos about kids getting groomed or tricked and then killed. It was a tough decision to expose him to how awful the world can be at such a young age but we wanted to get in front of the issue. We’re like you are with the porn, Monica, we want our boys to make very careful decisions about who they talk to on the internet – as in don’t talk to anyone you don’t already know. But I really appreciate your post because I always forget about the THINGS they may stumble across, I’m always focused on the people. And I even read your post about porn a long time ago! Thanks for reminding me about the other half of that conversation that I haven’t focused on!
I love you too. Man, you are spot on!
If your sons are on Instagram one thing to be aware of is the explore posts page. I am sure you are aware of this and most likely use it yourself. I have found that Instagram puts different accounts on the feed based on the type of people I follow. Even though I am a mom and follow home/food/mom blogger type accounts I still occasionally see pictures of provocatively dressed and posed woman and even sometimes soft porn. There is no way to filter these pictures and I am sure a young boy could quickly get sucked down a rabbit trail looking at the images. Also, I am sure there are even more of this type of pictures on a boys account.
thanks kaitly–
Yep, I know about the explore page. (Like I said, set out to write an entire post about Insta. :))
Glad you’re already aware of that, and yes–defnitely more on a boys’ page, you’re right. Thanks for commenting.
I look forward to reading about your thoughts on Instagram. So frustrating that there is no way to filter the junk out. I have a five year old boy and am thankful for all your wise guidance and tools for keeping our sons pure.
This conversation you started has helped me so much in raising my two boys. Just getting it out there. Talking about it with them and making it more of an everyday thing and not something to hide… its worked wonders. I know nothing is fail proof BUT my husband and I want open communication in all things in our house, nothing is off limits to talk about in that safe place. And maybe it will help them be more confident to make good decisions. Thank you for putting it out there. It was such a taboo topic in my house growing up.
Thank you Paige. That means so much to me! Way to go as well, it’s one thing to get inspired and another to follow through and make it your normal. Much Aloha-
Monica, Thank you for this blog post. I’m dealing with this now and working backwards, unfortunately. I have a question. Do you tell your kids that you have an app that can monitor what they look at, covenant eye? Also, what do you do if you notice a post from a fellow classmate that you don’t particular like?
Thank you Chrissy! Yes, the boys know we use the app (they were actually super grateful when we finally installed it, as they knew there were so many things just a click away and they actually did not want that temptation.)
You mean a post on Instagram from a classmate? When we scroll through our boys’ feed, we talk to them about anything of concern–from photos to comments etc., but we have also come along side our boys and “unfollowed” people who have posted inappropriately. Even better is when our boys show us who they are choosing to unfollow and why. Big steps of maturity then! ๐ (And if I misunderstood your question, feel free to let me know and i’ll try to answer better.) ALoha-
Thank you for this information. My child is only nine but has a phone. He spends 1 hour on watching videos or playing with game apps per day if he finishes all his work. He sees his dad every other weekend with no limits on screen time. How can I handle that? I’m not allowed to dictate their activities but he comes home so zombied out from spending 2 days on a device. He also gains a pound or two from eating 5-6 fast food meals without exercise. Poor kid.
Oh that is a tough one. I think your screen time rules sound good, but the only suggestion I have for the weekends at dad’s house is to have the conversation with the dad…Is that an option to just talk about it as an area you are working on and “can we both be on the same page?” (maybe that’s too difficult in your situation..) Either way, I would definitely have a filter on his phone since he is looking at it when you’re not there and anything could come up. The filters work great on phones! (one plan covers multiple devices so it’s quite easy!)
I love your idea that your children will never be in trouble for something if they bring it to you – its something I’d like to adopt. I find your posts are really useful trying to do the right thing bringing up our two boys.
Good place to start, thanks Monica, I’ll look up Covenant eyes. My 13 year old son doesn’t have a phone, only a tablet and he uses Instagram. His account is also on my phone so I can check any time what he’s up to. A couple of months back he got into enormous trouble because I intercepted a message between him and his little “girlfriend” in which he used some especially foul language to describe various activities. This use of truly appalling sexually explicit language has been a big problem among the 13-year-olds (first year of high school) at our school and it has been addressed by the school and parents, but it’s shocking when you think you’re bringing your child up with decent values, limiting his exposure to sexually explicit and violent Tv, games and internet sites, and yet still this crops up. I think a lot of it has to do with being at an all boys school where bad language is used to try to impress others, and obviously int he first year of high school they’re also trying to make their mark, but my son is now under no illusions whatsoever about what will and won’t be tolerated. I did not handle it in a kind and loving manner at all, more like a dragon breathing fire, but we have had some much more tolerant and loving discussions since then. Of course he knew that what he’d done was unacceptable because he was immediately contrite and there were immediate apologies which is not normally the case when he’s in trouble. He wouldn’t revel where the ideas and language had come from, and when I checked his online history I couldn’t see any inappropriate sites, but that doesn’t mean he hadn’t been to any. Sigh! This parenting is hard work! Thanks for all your support and suggestions – everyone all over the world is dealing with the same issues!
I came across this post after reading yours. Wanted to share…
https://mothersniche.com/what-i-wish-every-parent-knew-about-instagram/
Thanks Jennifer. I also shared that on Facebook two weeks ago, and will mention it in my upcoming post. ๐ I have some additional thoughts to add to that, however, which is why my boys are still able to use Instagram. But I’m glad she wrote that post and I think it has been enlightening to a lot of families!! aloha-