family

Coffee Date: Back to School, My Son is Going to College, and I-could-use-a-hug-Edition.

Aloha Friends!

Man, did summer fly by or what!?

And how are you? Refreshed? Worn out? Ready for a new season ahead? I want to hear, so please don’t forget to make it to the bottom and leave me a little update! (That’s part of the deal with coffee dates! )

I’m excited to catch up on things…So grab a seat (and your favorite beverage!) and let’s dive in!

First, let’s get the ~~painful~~ exciting part over with: By the time this goes live I will be in California, getting Josiah set up and dropped off at college at Westmont in Santa Barbara. *gulp*. He’s so ready. And I’m so ~~not~~ ready too. 😉 Really truly, I am so happy for him. But really truly, I’m gonna miss this kid like crazy.

Our first couple days we’ll be hanging with the Thompsons in Ventura, while we shop for all of the “Twin XL” dorm bedding, and other college-life necessities. Dave will meet up with us midweek, and then we will get Josiah moved in, go to Parent Orientation meetings, and have a few days to connect with friends and explore Josiah’s new “home” a bit. All of this while thinking every happy thought so that my heart doesn’t break into pieces in front of Josiah’s new friends and classmates. (That is SO embarrassing.)

Phew! That’s done, now quick, let’s switch topics!

Our summer went by too fast, but left us with some great memories.

I didn’t know it was going to happen, but Dave signed Levi up for a “real” surf contest and now it seems his competitive surf career has officially begun.

He took 4th place in his first Official HSA (Hawaii Surf Association) event in Honolulu. So much fun!! Thankfully, Luke was able to paddle out in the channel to coach him along. (Levi was the youngest out there by quite a bit.) It was a day for the history books.

In other news: Our homeschool year started.

I feel like we’re getting in the groove pretty well already. You wanna know my favorite thing? Levi is starting to love reading! And you wanna know what helped? A little tip Andrew Pudewa gave me when we did the podcast interview a couple of months ago. Here’s how it goes: You start reading a really good story, OUT LOUD, to your kid, then you choose a really exciting point in the story and you say, “Sorry, we’ll have to finish later!” You leave the book open to the page you left off on, and walk away. Next thing you know you “catch” your kid devouring the story on his own. (So sneaky and so effective!)

Also: ^^^ Little boys love mystery books! 🙂

It has also helped that Levi’s big brothers have been reading a ton all summer long. (recent list of their favorite books, here. 😉 I’m gonna miss moments like this, aren’t I?

One more time: “I. Can. Do. This.”

In other news: It’s been incredibly pretty on the north shore this summer. Postcard pretty.

The boys painted our friends’ fence a few weeks back. I stopped by to check on them and my suspicions were confirmed: I always knew Luke was a little Tom Sawyer. 🙂

Fun update! Raise your hand if you remember the ASK MONICA series I was doing for a while?…(Like 2 years ago.)

(For the rest of you…) For a while I was doing a monthly blog post where I responded to some of the most frequently asked questions I get via email or on the blog. This was so much fun, but I kind of just fell out of the habit. I always do my best to respond to emails, but I just can’t get to all of them…

SO, I thought for fun I would try doing a series of short (5 -ish minute) YouTube videos, responding to some of the most frequently asked questions! So far I’ve done 2: One on the topic of Sibling Squabbling (recorded on the beach! 🙂 and another sharing some of my personal tips on “how to eat less” (it’s honest and practical.) I have a marriage related video coming soon as well. What else do you want me to cover? Please tell me in comments!

And of course, the best way to catch future Ask Monica 5-minutes videos? SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube channel!

GREAT LINKS:

What’s new on the internets?!

Well, for starters...THIS Facebook post was exactly what I needed to ~~make me bawl my eyes out~~ help me realize why it is so hard when kids go away to college. (warning: Do not read without tissues nearby.) She basically nailed my heart with the whole “I was the sun and they were the planets” deal. Oh my heart.

**Check out the new Ask the BoyMom series over at Turquoise Grace. I got to be the first interview in the series, and now that I read it I’m all teary. (Did I mention I’m taking my first born to college this week?)

More good stuff:

The Importance of Encouraging Curiosity in your Children. From the Guardian. LOVE THIS!

This is your child’s brain on video games. (Yikes!)(But such an important read!) From Psychology Today.

My post, The Instagram Five post was featured on the For Every Mom site last week. If you missed it before, hop over and check it out there. 😉

How complaining rewires your brain for negativity. Interesting! (good to teach kids!) From the Globe and Mail.

RECIPES:

Sweet Cherry Oat Bars From the Lean Green Bean site. MUST enjoy the summer fruit while it’s still around!

Thai Noodle Salad with Peanut Lime Dressing. Mmmm! From Pinch of Yum.

Cauliflower Pizza Crust for the win!! From the Minimalist Baker

The best Nanaimo Bars Oh wow these look good! By Simple As That

And I just have to finish with this. Even if you’ve already seen it. Because it’s really as good as it gets. And it could possibly make for world peace. Or at least better family relations. 😉

LOVE to you all! Thank you times a million for ALL of the love and support as I face this bittersweet chapter of life.

Now!! Leave a comment below saying HI, telling me how your summer was, what’s new this fall, or anything else. (Also feel free to leave requests for “Ask Monica” segments! or email them to [email protected])

With Aloha,
Monica

PS HURRICANE UPDATE: As I am finally about to publish this from Southern California (where things are going super well, btw!) Hurricane Lane is apparently headed towards Hawaii…where three of my sons are without parents (hahaha, crazy right!?) Rest assured: we have friends staying with them (even real live adults) and tons of support, and bottled water, and emergency systems in place (not exactly, but that sounds good.) I think they’ll be ok. Truthfully, my boys LOVE a good storm, and I feel confident they’ll be ok. But we do appreciate prayers for our boys and anyone who may be affected by the storm. (Thank you to those of you who have reached out with concern.)

A Conversation about Home.

by Monica 13 Comments

My first morning back from my 5-week trip to California, I did an Instagram/Facebook post sharing the morning view from my living room in Hawaii…

^^ deck reconstruction (still) in progress… 😉

Along with the photo, I shared this caption:

When we are on the mainland, the conversation never fails to come up: Should we consider moving? There are so many pro’s to that idea: we’d be closer to family, lower cost of living, so many more opportunities for kids and school and travel (and we won’t even start on Trader Joes or other details…) There are great people and churches and awesome things over there! But then I get home, and wake up to this. It’s quiet. There are uncrowded beaches. (I was caught off guard last night realizing again how much of our drive home from the airport is 2-lane country roads.) And though we drive beach-mobiles, full of sand (and more than a few friendly cockroaches) not fancy cars…and though electricity and milk and bread cost 3X as much here, and though we can’t take road trips or go to Ikea…our simple island life seems to suit us just fine. In my dreams we’d have a home on both sides of the ocean, but for now I’m just being thankful. Thankful that we get to enjoy some sweet time in California, and then that we can return to this place we call home.
PS I’m sure someone out there relates to these little home/family/life mind games…feel free to share yours!

I received a lot of comments in response to this — from people in all different situations, most of whom share my mixed emotions in one way or another. I heard from people who live in a city and dream of the country. Others, like me, who live on an island and miss a bit more civilization (or family, or Trader Joes.) I heard from big dreamers who are planning a big move, and others who are choosing contentment right where they are. A lot of us fantasize about having two homes to go back and forth between. (and a private jet to get us there, but let’s not get carried away.)

I read the post and comments to my family, which opened up some great conversation. One son was surprised: “What!? I didn’t know you ever talk about moving!?” Luke was like, “There is no way we will leave Hawaii as long as I’m around!” haha. Josiah just smiled proudly and said “Well, I am moving to California!” (Just a tad excited to head to Santa Barbara for college next month.)

But really, I think this is a ponder-worthy topic. Where you live and raise your family is a big deal! And there are many factors that play a role in this: From the neighborhood and community you are in, to the climate, nearness to family/friends, and much more. Your home is where memories are made. Character is developed. Bonds are built.

And yes, some families may be happier if they moved to a different location. (Sometimes we let fear of change or fear of risk get in the way.) Other families imagine that moving would solve their problems. (and sometimes it does, but often it doesn’t.) Of course a big move should be well thought out, and is best done after much prayer and wise planning. Most of us can recall a time when we may not have fully appreciated our living situation, but later realized how great it was. (Like the year the 6 of us lived in a 900 square foot condo…I thought I was going crazy a couple of times, but later we all agree those were some of our very best family memories!)

My friend Ana offered the important reminder to “trust that God has us where He has us for a purpose way bigger than our comfort and preferences–and usually for the benefit of others.” (She knows this well, being a sun-loving surfer, living in Rhode Island! :))

In the end, most people agreed that it is fun to dream, but there really is “no place like home.” And one of my favorite comments came from my friend Megan, a new Mom in Seattle who said “Home is where family is.” I couldn’t agree more.

I enjoyed this conversation so much, I wanted to continue it here. I know I have blog readers from all over the world. (I’ve literally discovered new countries through my blog readers, which may be more an indication of my poor geography knowledge than anything, but it’s still super fun!) So now, I’d love to hear from you! Would you comment and share where you live, and how you have made that place home? Is there somewhere else you dream of living? Why? How do you find contentment where you are? Wisdom and encouragement for others are always welcome here!

With Aloha,

Monica

PS Because I get a lot of questions about raising a family in Hawaii, I am long past-due to share a blog post on that topic. Later this summer/fall I will be doing a bit of a blog-makeover (yay!) and hope to add a few links for people planning trips to Hawaii or curious about life here. Let me know if you have any specific questions you’d like me to address then!

When Your Kid Argues about Everything {5 tips}

by Monica 326 Comments

Hi Friends!
I’m just barely back from nearly five weeks in California. It was such a fantastic trip, with some great surf, (Luke had some great heats, and took 2nd place in the National Air competition! :)) and a thousand more memories made. While I unpack suitcases and hug my boys a repeatedly (five weeks is way too long!) I wanted to share one more READER FAVORITE POST from my archives. This may be the post most discovered through google-searches, proving that I’m not the only mom with a kid who likes to argue! (Phew!) Hope you enjoy it for the first, time, or maybe as a refresher. And as always — thank you for sharing with friends! Here it is and see you with a fresh post soon–

+++++++++

I’ll be the first to admit: I find something likable about a kid that has an opinion. I appreciate a kid who knows what they want…or don’t want…and knows how to stand up for what they think is right.

Maybe this has a little to do with the fact that I was one of those kids growing up.

And it is true: There are plenty of positives about a strong-willed kid. Children prone to opinions and arguing often grow up to be great leaders. They are likely to stand strong in their convictions, and might have an easier time resisting peer pressure. They often grow up to be successful in the things they pursue.

But if you have a kid that is prone to arguing in your own family...the cute and admirable elements can quickly fade away, only to be replaced by pulling your hair out in frustration.

I would know.

We’ve got one such argument-prone kid in our family, and though I try not to name names, I will say that he is ten, full of personality, and he loves to surf.

Almost as much as he loves to argue.

If you tell this kid to clean his room, he’ll say “But first I have to…”
If you ask this kid to brush his teeth, he’ll say “Ok, but not until I finish…”
If you offer to take him surfing, he’s likely to say “But I wanted to skate.”
And trust me when I say that if you tell him the sky is blue, he’ll tell you it is more like turquoise or aqua.

It’s a running joke around our family.

But it’s kinda not funny.

Learning respect and submission are an important part of growing up. As a Christian, I am concerned that a kid who gets by constantly arguing with his parents will also have trouble submitting to God and His ways.
And you can imagine the potential problems a habitual arguer might face if they carry it into adulthood; I’m thinking bosses and spouses for starters.

The bottom line is that a kid who argues too much is not showing respect or humility, and these are two very important qualities for a kid to learn. And sadly, arguing with just about everything is easily habit-forming. Some kids start to argue before they even know what you just said.
(I think I can see a few of you nodding with me out there…)

Therefore, I am personally on a mission to teach my particular child to respect his parents, submit to authority, and still maintain a healthy dose of spunk.

So here’s what I’ve come up with, and then I hope you’ll share five more of your own. (and please hurry. :))

1. Keep Perspective.

Remind yourself that the same quality that causes your child to argue too much will likely make them strong adults and good leaders. (note: You may not want to let them in on this secret right away. Such disclosure often does not work to your advantage.)

2. Sit down and chat about things.

Let your son or daughter know that arguing with their parents is a habit that really needs to end. Tell them that even if they believe that they are one hundred percent right, the issue is one of respect. You are their parents and they need to listen and submit to the things you say. This applies whether they are seven or seventeen. There is a place for discussion (see #3) but the general rule needs to be submission and respect. This rule alone can remove a lot of debating, AND second guessing yourself.

3. Make an Appeal rule.

Offer your kid the chance to “appeal” after a certain amount of time. Offering an appeal will help remedy the “habitual” side of arguing, and will make it easier for your kid to bite their tongue when they are just dying to challenge you. Kids need to feel heard, and their opinions should matter. Give them a chance to think through things, and then when everyone is in a good state of mind, sit down and hear them out. I suggest choosing a standard amount of time between argument and appeal, and stick with it the best you can. Kids will feel most affirmed and secure if they know that there is a fair system in play.
**Note: I use this for big decisions, but not for daily things like chores and doing homework. (Oh but believe-you-me, they still try. 🙂 )

4. Establish set consequences for arguing.

If arguing has been happening for any length of time, it most likely won’t be going away easily. It is most wise to expect it, and be ready when the moment happens. It is easiest to come up with one or two specific consequences that your child knows will be waiting if and when they decide to challenge you unnecessarily. Perhaps one warning/reminder is reasonable. THEN: Dole out consequences with a smile and strong back bone. Losing a video game privilege or assigning an extra chore might be a good start. The key: Call them on it. Every. Single. Time…Nip it in the bud and let the consequences be painful enough that the thrill of the argument suddenly isn’t so thrilling. (PS. I did a short VLOG last summer about having consequences in place to help decrease anger in parenting. You might find that helpful. )

5. Reward obedience.

Take note of the positives! Make sure to notice it when your child does obey quickly. Simply telling them how much it helps you and what a blessing it is to have them cooperating will encourage them to keep it up. When they experience the peace and unity that obedience will bring, they might just want to begin a new habit. (or so we can hope!)

Your turn to share! Do you have a child prone to arguing? (Maybe two or three of them?) Have you learned any good tricks or tips to share with the rest of us!? Please join the conversation!

A couple books that you might find helpful:
Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child’s Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days
(affiliate links)

With Aloha,
Monica

PS The kid in the pictures may or may not be the kid in the story. And yes, he gave me full permission to name him here. (Actually he used it as a negotiating tool to get something he wanted… haha. I’m not kidding!)
🙂

Birth Order: What Middle Children Need Most from Their Parents

by Monica 223 Comments

I seem to have a pretty good sample for a study on birth order…

Josiah, 15 (below, left), Jonah (on the right, below,) 13, and Luke (center, below) almost 11.

Levi, who arrived six and half years later, throws me for a bit of a loop. I always say he must fall somewhere between a first born, and a baby. (And a Tasmanian devil, but that’s another story.)

But really, I have always been intrigued by the topic of birth order. Not only do I have a great sample to study in my home, but I was also raised in a three-kid family: Two older brothers, and then me...the “baby.”
(I’m sure you’re surprised.)

I know I’m not alone in finding this topic interesting, as well as a bit intimidating. Ever since I wrote my post What a Teenage Boy Needs Most from His Mom, I’ve received numerous requests for a specific post about those mysterious middle children, and what they might need the most.

We’ve all heard the term (or is a diagnosis?) “Middle-child syndrome,” and it seems that people often pity the middle child. But really, the more I study and observe, the more I think middle children have a lot of good going for them. Sure, there are a few pitfalls to be aware of, but the way I see it, middles might just do the best in the long run.

I’ve found Kevin Leman’s book, The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are to be quite helpful in this area. If you find this topic interesting, I highly recommend you read it.

Most experts seem to agree with a few things about middle children.

Most middles are: Flexible, good negotiators, and very social. They are more laid back than their often high-strung older siblings. They are also more drawn to relationships outside the family than their siblings, and more likely to move further away from home when they are grown. (boo.)

Middle children can present a paradox of personalities, because of the fact that they are very much influenced by the first born of the family. They might strive to be a lot like the older sibling, but more typically they go the opposite direction (often as far as possible!) Middle children are said to be careful who they open up to, often keeping their feelings to themselves. Middles might struggle with their sense of identity and belonging, which often leads them to run with the pack.

Middles have been known to experiment with riskier behaviors than other birth orders, possibly as part of their search for an identity. However, middles are known to grow up well–being creative problem solvers, and great negotiators. (Think Donald Trump.) Middles are also said to be the most loyal marriage partners of any birth position.

A short list of famous “middle children”: Abraham Lincoln, Bill Gates, Jennifer Lopez, George Bush, and Donald Trump. If you have a middle, you can let them know: over half of the American Presidents have been middle children.

For those of us raising middle children, we should rest assured that they are very likely to grow up to be well adjusted adults, with a happy life. Heck, maybe they’ll be President one day. But we still worry, don’t we? If you have a middle child, then you might wonder if you are giving him or her enough attention. You might wonder what they’re thinking, because they aren’t so quick to share. You might see them getting squeezed between their siblings, and just hope that they are really doing ok.

So after a lot of study, experience, and observation, I have created a list of…

1. Unconditional Love and Attention

Middles often feel compared to their (typically over-achieving) older, and (often attention-seeking) younger siblings. Giving them your time and focused attention without any expectations is really important. They need to know that they are loved simply because they are.

2. A Listening Ear

Middle children are known to feel overlooked and ignored. Over time they often learn to just step back and let the older and younger sibling get all of the attention. Setting aside time to just listen to your middle child will meet them in a very special way.

3. Standards/Expectations

If you have a more typical first-born, chances are that they have proven very capable. It is easy to let them own this role, while the middle and younger kids ride on the benefits. Don’t do it! Make sure that you are teaching that middle child to do just as much work and contribute to the home as much as the first born has done. (It may be different tasks or roles, but make sure they do something!) This will communicate to your middle that he or she is not only a part of the family, but that the family actually depends on them. It will also help your middle child to grow up managing responsibilities well, which is a character trait sometimes lacking in the more free-spirited middle child.

4. Some decent clothes

Middle children are typically the hand-me-down kids of the family. It goes like this; First borns take good care of things, so we think it only logical that the next in line gets them: But, by the time the second born has worn them, they’re too worn out for the ~~spoiled~~ fortunate baby of the family, who then gets to start afresh with brand new clothes. There is nothing wrong with hand-me-downs–I’m a big fan. However, taking that middle child shopping for some of his or her very own (new!) clothes now and then is a really good idea.

5. Options

If you do take that middle shopping, let them choose their own clothes. In fact, let them choose as many things as possible! Let them choose what movie the family will watch, what restaurant to go to, or any little thing possible. Middles need to know they have a voice.

6. Help Finding Good Friends/Direction in Life

If middles are going to find friends and work away from the family, then we are wise to offer plenty of counsel while they’re around. Talk to them often about friends, school, and job choices. Give loving counsel about their future careers. They will appreciate your interest in their life, and who knows–maybe they’ll feel so loved they’ll stick around after all! 🙂

7. Communication

Even in the healthiest family setting, a middle child will at some point wrestle with the role of being sandwiched in the middle. Talk about it! Personally, I talk openly to my middle son about his position, both light-heartedly, and more seriously. I tell him that I understand it is a tough position sometimes, but I also remind him of the benefits. Talking openly may allow the middles to understand their own feelings better, and to respond to those feelings wisely.

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We should keep in mind that there are many factors that affect birth order: From the sex of each child, to how many years there are in-between, and other family dynamics. There are no hard-fast rules, but I do think that the information we have can help us apply it as we see fit in our parenting!

SO now I’d love to hear from you! Tell us about your experience if you have a middle child…Or are married to one? Or work with one? Or maybe you’re the middle child!? If so, what was it like growing up? I’m sure a few of you have some helpful experiences to share!

And if you think your friends would enjoy or benefit from this post, I hope you’ll Pin and share it using the buttons below!

For other posts in the series, check out: What a first-born needs most, and What a youngest child needs most…

With Aloha,
Monica
PS I am an amazon affiliate so if you click over and order The Birth Order Book, I’ll get a few cents which will help support my blogging efforts! Thank you! 🙂

What to Expect When Your Son Starts Puberty

by Monica 77 Comments

Aloha Friends!

Luke and I are all settled here in San Clemente, Ca., gearing up for a weekend surf contest (Luke) and a series of speaking engagements (me. 🙂 ) If you happen to be in Orange Country, check THIS POST for a list of speaking times and locations, with links for more info!

Before we head into a busy weekend, I wanted to share one more post from the blog archives. This covers an important, and timely topic which I know is relevant to many of you now. Puberty. And rest assured, I’ve got you covered. (well, at least the boys. :)) Thanks for giving me some grace in sharing archived posts when things are busy–and if you’ve already got this one down, I’d love for you to consider sharing it with friends using social media (or any way that works for you!) THANK YOU and see ya back here next week. XO

Welcome to PART III of my teen/pre-teen boy series! (<— click on that for the introduction.) If you’re just jumping into the party, you might want to begin with the post, “What to Do Before Your Son Starts Puberty.” It really lays a foundation for the whole series.

But today we get to really dive in. With all of our clothes on. (because this stuff is awkward enough already.)

PUBERTY

We know it’s healthy, and normal. We ought to welcome it. Even if it freaks us out a little bit.

(ok maybe a lot.)

I actually like this topic. Since I grew up with only brothers, and now have only sons (my dog is even a boy!) I think I am especially used to boy-topics. I also studied sports medicine in college and went on to get teaching credentials in health and PE, so this subject is basically right down my alley. But I understand the awkwardness that a lot of moms feel as their sons approach puberty. It is a combination of all of the unknowns and the general fear of losing what we know as normal and comfortable. (It’s also the body odor and grocery bills, but we’ll get to that. )

Yet the more we know about what we’re headed into, the easier it is to face. So today, I hope to lay things out on the table simply and clearly. To de-mystify puberty a little bit. And to encourage you to walk through it all with grace and dignity, and a healthy sense of humor.

But I also want to remind you that your role in your son’s life during these years can make all of the difference in the world. Mom, you are still relevant and important. This is not a time to check out, or be too busy to be involved. You have a high calling in this season, as much (or more) than all the others.

So let’s tackle puberty in TWO categories:

First: What is guaranteed. These are things that every boy will go through during puberty.

Second: What might happen during puberty. These things may or may not happen to your son, but better to be aware than caught off guard.

GUARANTEED TO HAPPEN WHEN YOUR SON HITS PUBERTY:

MOOD SWINGS: They may be mild, or they may be pronounced, but the hormone changes that a boy goes through in puberty will definitely affect his moods. Some kids are good at trying to hide this, (bless their hearts,) and some seem completely willing to take down the entire planet (beginning with their family) with their shifting moods. But just know: It’s normal.

What we can do: To some extent, we need to expect, and accept the mood swings of our pubescent sons. They’re not trying to be moody, and I’m pretty sure they would never choose it if given the chance. But at the same time we don’t want to coddle our boys. If we let them think it’s ok to sulk around, snap at siblings, or be disrespectful to their parents, we’re not doing them any favors. Setting some boundaries for their moods is my best recommendation. For example, “I can tell you are struggling with your mood. I get it, it’s hard. I’m here if you need to talk. Otherwise, I’d just like you to go outside and get some exercise, or read your book in your room until you feel ready to be a pleasant part of the family.” (Fair enough, right? ) The good news is, thanks to those hormones, it’s often only moments before that grumpy teen is bouncing back out of his room, with the silliness of his 8-year old self.
(In an honest moment, I’ve heard my own boys say: “What’s wrong with me? I was so grumpy ten minutes ago and now I’m totally fine!”) And thus: Welcome to puberty.

APPETITE: At some point during puberty your son will quadruple his food intake. (or at least close.) Some boys start this before they hit a growth spurt, some a little later. Just expect the hungry boys and be prepared with all of the food.

What we can do: A hungry teenager will go for the easiest, tastiest thing they can get their hands on. If you keep a stockpile of chips and junk food on hand, they can inhale them in mere moments. So I really recommend limiting the junk, and stocking up on hearty, healthy foods. The granola bars and fruit snacks of yesteryear will no longer satisfy, so forgetaboutit. Instead: When you can, make twice as much dinner as you used to, planning to have leftovers in the fridge available anytime. A teenage after school snack? A plate of spaghetti and a three pieces of garlic bread. A bedtime snack? That hunk of steak and a baked potato. Teenage boys can eat. Keep as many fruits and veggies on hand as you can and require them to eat it. Remind them that greasy food will contribute to acne big time, so be wise and steer clear. Also: Direct them to water instead of sugary drinks. It’s just better for them, and their skin will thank you too.

SLEEP: Boys in puberty will need extra sleep. They’re growing and developing and their body is busy.

What we can do: Help them establish a healthy sleep routine (don’t let them stay up on their phone late at night,) and encourage them to have a regular bedtime and wake-up time. But really, when you can: Just let them sleep.

PUBIC HAIR: It starts in different places for different boys, but it will come.

What can we do: Let them know it’s coming, in the most natural way possible. And please, for the love–don’t freak out when you notice the little curly surprises. No Facebook photos of armpit hair. Keeping it cool is the name of the game when it comes to puberty.

FACIAL HAIR: It starts mildly as “peach fuzz,” and grows to be thicker a bit later in puberty. But facial hair will come.

What we can do: Again: Keep it cool and normal. When the peach fuzz is getting obvious, give them a razor and teach them to use it. (Dad, help out here please!) A little fist bump/high five is fully appropriate here. Facial hair is a manly thing and is one of the less awkward parts of puberty, so you are allowed to acknowledge this one.

VOICE CHANGE: Once again, the timing varies from boy to boy, but your son’s voice will eventually crack, deepen, crack a hundred more times, deepen some more, and finally emerge as the voice of a man.

What we can do: Normalize normalize normalize. Don’t make fun of him, and don’t let anyone in the family make fun. Just keep moving and leave the poor kid alone.

GENITAL CHANGES. Is there any not-awkward way to say that their whole package (penis and testicles) will grow, and their penis will do unexpected and uncomfortable things. They will get spontaneous erections, and at times they won’t know what to do with themselves.

What we can do: Not much. As part of your talks about sex and puberty, you should have let them know that these things would happen. If not, then talk about it now. (Otherwise they’ll go searching for “What the heck is happening to my penis?” somewhere else, and trust me: You want to be the one to explain.) Let them know it’s normal. Let them know it will get better. (a little bit anyways.) And then try to completely ignore it.

BODY ODOR: Teenagers can really stink. The increased androgens in their body react in the blood and change the levels of body odor. This means they will stink more when they sweat: When they exercise. When they’re nervous. When they’re just sitting there.

What we can do: Require showers, with soap! (those twenty-minute showers in which somehow my kids forget completely about soap and shampoo? Not okay.) Buy them a Costco pack of deodorant and remind them to use it every day until they remember on their own. Suggestion: Do a deodorant check before they leave the house. Their classmates will thank you.

POSSIBLY WILL HAPPEN WHEN YOUR SON HITS PUBERTY:

ACNE: Many teenagers struggle with acne during puberty. Androgens are to blame for the changes in the oil content of their skin.

What we can do: Though there is a genetic element to acne during puberty, there are a few things that can certainly help: Teach your son to wash his face really well, and really often. Once a day isn’t enough. Morning, after exercise, and night is best. Also, a healthy diet will help tremendously. Greasy, fried food will contribute to acne, so let him know that if he wants clear skin it will make a big difference if he eats fruits and vegetables, stays away from greasy foods, and drinks LOTS of water!
I should add, if your son’s acne is seeming to not respond to healthy foods, water, and rest, I do suggest taking him to the pediatrician. Some people find medications to be super helpful, so it is worth talking to your doctor about!

SMALL LUMPS UNDER NIPPLES: About half of all boys get a small nodule under their nipple during puberty. This can totally freak them out (I’ll never forget when it happened to my brother because he was sure he was dying. But then again, he was always sure he was dying.) It’s really no big deal. It’s just part of development while hormones are changing. Also, sometimes a little bit of milky substance will come out of a boys nipples during this time. Especially if they are squeezed (which, leave it to a teenage boy…) Again, no big deal.

What we can do: If you notice this on your son, assure him it’s totally normal. (trust me, he’s wondering.) It will go away in a year or two. As for the milky substance: Assure him it’s no big deal. (And probably don’t call it “milky substance.” 🙂 “Fluid,” should work fine.

NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS: I don’t know if it’s more uncomfortable to use the scientific name or to just say “wet dreams,” but call it what you will: it happens. And honestly, this one probably belongs under the “guaranteed to happen” category, but I’ve read that some teens may never get them (or at least never admit to it,) so I’ll leave it here. When a teenage boy’s body goes into REM sleep, his penis becomes erect. He may have a sexually arousing dream, and ejaculate (release sperm from the penis) in his sleep. Remember, puberty is all about preparing the body for reproduction. These sexual dreams are quite normal. Your son may or may not remember the dream. (Don’t ask.)

What we can do: First, I highly recommend you include this topic as part of your talks early on in puberty so that he isn’t taken by surprise when it happens. Explain as simply as you can what will happen, and then give him a plan of action for when it does. An easy approach: “If you wake up and find a wet spot in your underwear or in your sheets, it’s no big deal. Just remove any clothes or sheets that have been soiled and put them in the laundry. If the washing machine is available when you get up, just throw your own load in there. If not just let me know you want to run a load. I won’t ask any questions, and you don’t need to explain a thing.” Done. No shame involved.

********************************

Well, the list could go on, but I think I covered the big changes to expect during puberty. Although these are some really big changes, they typically happen gradually so it’s not completely overwhelming. Just keep smiling and encouraging and you’ll all be heading in the right direction!

These years really can be a ton of fun!

We’ll tackle more teenage topics, like family life, social pressures, and dating in upcoming posts, so stay tuned!

Now I welcome your comments, follow-up questions, and personal stories (just don’t embarrass anyone) below! If you have special requests for the rest of this series, let me know. (I will dedicate one “Ask Monica” post to all things teen and pre-teen boy, so you can leave those questions here or email me at: [email protected])

People have asked about books we read/use, and I really hope to put together a little library of all of our favorites. But for now, here’s a few related to today’s subject:
The book we go through with our boys, ages 11-14: Facing the Facts: The Truth About Sex and You (God’s Design for Sex)
I recently got this book for my boys (so far it looks awesome!): Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations
A set that has come highly recommended: Passport2Purity (Book & CD Set)
**These are affiliate links. (This means I am an Amazon Affiliate and if you click through the links and purchase something, I will make a few cents commission. Your price does not change, Amazon simply rewards me for teaming up with them. Thanks!)

With Aloha,
Monica

Five Ways to Avoid Mother’s Day Disappointment

by Monica 91 Comments

5 Tips for avoiding Mother’s Day Disappointment

Aloha Friends! So…I was not planning to publish this post again this year. Since I wrote it a couple of years ago, and shared it again last year, I thought I’d take a year off. 🙂 But the Today Show Site just published it on their Parenting page, and I had a number of readers tell me they hadn’t seen it before…So, I thought I better share it… It has been one of my most read and shared posts (top 10 at least), and it is truly an important message. So I hope you enjoy it for the first time, or maybe the third!

AND if you have a half a second…would you consider popping over to the TODAY SHOW WEBSITE where you might click on the “Vote up” button, or comment, or share it on social media? (Thanks! Those big sites are funny that way — you have to get a lot of action for it to be shown to a wider audience. 🙂 )

I still hope to be back later this week with a special dessert just for moms… (something just healthy enough to keep your kids’ away from it, but just delicious enough to feel like a true Mother’s Day splurge….) Be sure to come back!

Without further ado–Here’s my (apparently annual) Mother’s Day message…from my heart and home to yours!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY WEEK!

So…it’s safe to assume that we’re all focused on taking care of our own Moms this week, right? We’re reminiscing about special times with our moms, and sending them sweet notes or gifts, and maybe planning to do something nice for them on Mother’s day.

Because that’s what grown-up, thoughtful women like us do, right?

I mean, it would be totally selfish of me to be thinking about myself right now…dropping heavy hints to my husband and children, and hoping that maybe my family will remember to spoil the living daylights out of ME on Mother’s Day.
(Wouldn’t it?)

But here’s how it typically goes: And this is just me, because I know that you’re waaaaaay more mature than I am.

Each year, I start the pre-Mother’s Day week well: I send cards, order flowers, or whatever Dave and I are going to do for our moms…And it never fails, that sometime during the week one of the kids in my family asks: “What do you want for Mother’s Day?” To which I say something like, “Oh nothing. I just want to spend some time with you guys.” Which is really a dumb thing to say because that’s pretty much what I do every day of the week, and well…you know.

What I really meant to say was “I want to sleep in, go running, and be taken out for breakfast lunch and dinner. I also want a clean house, a few gifts, and a massage. Oh, and some chocolate.”

But of course I don’t say any of that. In fact, I try not to consciously think any of that, because that is soooo selfish and greedy. And that just isn’t me at all. (no comments please.)

So Sunday-Mother’s Day comes around and I’m mentally prepared to not think about myself. I give myself some pep-talks about being unselfish and content, and I almost believe it.

But somewhere deep down in me there is that thing. What do they call it? Hidden expectations? And as hard as I try to stuff them, they begin to bubble up. By Sunday afternoon, I might just find them seeping out into full exposure and suddenly I’m in a sad state of self-pity. And in a really weak moment, I might have once or twice voiced my dark heart with, “Well, of course I said I didn’t want anything–Don’t you know that means I want everything?”

And suddenly the truth is out there: I really did want to be spoiled on Mother’s Day. I wanted me-time. I wanted food that I didn’t cook, and dishes that I didn’t do. I might have even wanted…presents.

But now I have no one to blame but my self for saying those words: “I just want time with you guys.” (Big liar.)

What I’ve learned: Well, I’ve got four kids now, and this is my 19th Mother’s Day, so fortunately I have learned a few things along the way. The good news is, my Mother’s Days are no longer a cause for anxiety, or disappointment. No matter what. And not that you need these, but just in case could use some tips, I thought this might be the perfect time to share a few things I’ve learned with you.

1. Plan ahead.

Don’t wait for Mother’s Day to decide that you really DO want breakfast in bed. Or to be taken out for brunch. Or maybe you want a day all to yourself on Mother’s Day (I’ve done it. It was super great.) PLAN AHEAD. Let your family know what you want and make your own arrangements if you need to.

2. Take the pressure off your family.

If there is something that you’d really love to have for Mother’s Day, why not do the shopping for your family? A restaurant you’d like to go to? Make a reservation! Know your family well, and be a realist.

Last weekend, while Dave and I were on a little date and we happened to go into the mall, I walked him straight to the perfume counter and grabbed the gift box of my favorite perfume and said, “Let’s get this for my Mother’s Day gift.” He hesitated for about a millisecond, and then with a very contented expression, pulled out his debit card and handed it to the sales clerk. I won’t open it until Sunday, but guaranteed I’ll love what I get!

3. Adjust expectations.

Seriously, expectations might be our worst enemy when it comes to holidays. Do we really imagine that we’ll have a carefree day on Mother’s Day when we still have a houseful of kids, laundry that completely disregards holidays, and (at least for me,) a husband that still has to go to work. We only hurt ourselves when we imagine that our day will be anything other than another Sunday, with a few little perks if we’re so lucky.

4. Make a rain check?

Some holidays are just inconvenient. This Sunday, my son has a surf contest, and my husband works. He still plans to take me out to dinner (he’s really good like that,) but the reality is, I’m not going to be walking around on flower petals all day. SO… I have already made arrangements to spoil myself a little after Mother’s Day: I made an appointment to get a massage next week (the first in two years–so YES! I’ll appreciate it,) and I’ll extend that time to include a few hours to myself.

The reality is that sometimes the restaurants are booked, or your kid is sick, or your husband ~~completely drops the ball~~ overlooks the day and you just need to say “No worries! I’ll take a rain check.” As far as I see it, any day can be Mother’s Day.

5. Keep perspective.

On a more heart-felt note: This past year I have spent time with moms who have lost children to cancer, or are themselves fighting a disease. I am praying for moms who are battling for their lives. Hello perspective: These things make me slow WAY down and realize that when it all comes down…I really do want to just HOLD and LOVE those kids that have made me a mom. I want to remember the man who teams with me to raise them. And I want to ENJOY them all.

If I can keep a healthy perspective at the front of my mind, then my Mother’s Day ought to be quite complete just hugging my boys every ten minutes until they can’t take it any more. No breakfast in bed, gift wrapped perfume, or day at the spa can compare to the incredible gift that my family is to me. Flaws and all.

So what do you say, Moms? Let’s face Mother’s Day with a plan, and some healthy perspective.

Now: Go have yourself a wonderful Mother’s Day weekend!**If this post has encouraged you, I hope you’ll use the social media buttons below to share with your friends! Thank you!

With Aloha,
Monica

What a Mom Needs Most from Her Family: 25 Things

by Monica 105 Comments

I recently came across this post from 3 (short) years ago, and with Mother’s Day right around the corner, I couldn’t help but think HOW MUCH we moms could use this right now. I mean, really.

Because if there is one thing I’ve learned in my nearly 19 years of being a mom it is this: PLAN AHEAD. And: COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS. (ok, that is 2 things.) But really, Mommas, don’t wait for Mother’s day to be disappointed. Take a minute to think about what you need/want in the season you are in. And let the humans around you know. If you need to — plan something yourself, or order it, or at least write it down (or print it out.) You know your family loves you. They want you to be happy, but they don’t always know HOW to make that happen. So….read this post again (or maybe for the first time) and set yourself up for good days ahead. I hope you enjoy (and please do comment below!)

********************** WHAT A MOM NEEDS MOST:

This afternoon, just after giving my preschooler some quality one-on-one time, I sat down to get some work done. Playing letter-bingo, a floor puzzle, and a few rounds of CandyLand, I really felt like I had filled his little love tank. So, I set him up to work on a quiet activity, and I sat down to type a few words…

Which clearly was his cue to find eight hundred reasons to interrupt me. You know, preschooler-edition of the basic human needs: “Can I use your iPhone?” “Will you roll up my sleeves?” “Will you roll down my sleeves?” “I need juice,” and “I’m so bored…Why can’t I use your iPhone?”

At which point it hit me that before I do another “What anyone needs from ME,” post, I really need to flip the tables and scream…(I mean, quietly suggest) “What about us moms?” “What do WE need most!?” Because let’s just hook arms right now and declare: We have needs too.! And ya’ know what? We parent a lot better when a few (I’m not talking big numbers, just a measly few) of those basic needs are met.

(I know I hear an Amen out there…)

And I should mention that I’m trying hard to make this a need list, not a want list…You might notice that I’m leaving out things my personal “want/needs” like pedicures, massages, a clean car, or the chance to take a shower every day. Because yes, I’m a realist.

SO here’s my short list. You might want to print this out, magnet it to the fridge, or find someplace obvious for those literate humans in your family to stumble upon. OR, you might want to write your own list. Make it specific. But listen close Mommas! Here is the key: We can’t expect our family to read our minds! This isn’t a time for self-pity, or resenting motherhood. (Most of us wouldn’t trade this motherhood journey for anything!) We simply need to learn to recognize and communicate what our greatest needs are. Hint: Some of these needs are best met by us arranging for it ourselves. And there’s nothing wrong with that, either.

I even made a printable edition for you!! Click HERE to get it! 🙂

1. Sleep. The uninterupted kind.

2. Coffee. Plenty of it.

3. A hot shower. Alone.

4. Appreciation. Spoken words. Written words. Just let us know you notice.

5. Some time alone with Dad.

6. Regular time with girlfriends. (There are some things only other women will understand.)

7. A creative outlet. An old one. A new one. Maybe one yet to be discovered.

8. Encouragement. Daily. If possible–many times a day.

9. Permission to have an occasional emotional meltdown. Because let’s be honest: Sometimes nothing feels better than a serious ugly cry.

10. A nap.

11. Some romance. (if you’re really smart you’ll spell that out too.)

12. Some new clothes. (Picking up Costco’s latest does not count.)

13. Exercise. If it is not scheduled, it won’t happen, and it is easy to put our own health behind everything else. Help support us here!

14. Grace. We’re doing our best, but we are still human.

15. A hand getting the house clean. Family: Pitch in…Get the kids to help…Hire a house cleaner. Just don’t leave it all to Mom all of the time.

16. A good book. And the chance to read it now and then.

17. Yummy food that we don’t have to cook. Husbands: Cook for us. Or get takeout. Or take us out. Just feed us something delicious that we don’t have to make (or clean up!) once in a while.

18. Some time to ourselves. All alone. Or at the very least, the chance to use the bathroom without interruption.

19. Chocolate. Our own stash. Please don’t touch it.

20. Laughter. Every day.

21. Thoughtfulness. A kind note. A spontaneous gift. A box of chocolates.

22. More Coffee. **At a real coffee shop, without the kids. (Bringing a friend or a book is a bonus.)

23. Unexpected things. Mommyhood can be so mundane. Surprise us! Flowers or a gift. A trip to Paris (we can dream.) Rescue us from monotony.

24. A vacation–Or at least the chance to plan and dream about one. Even if it is years away, dreaming and planning is half of the fun.|

25. Prayer. Don’t forget–We need it too!

OK friends–add your own thoughts to the list, or tell us which ones resonated with you the most! (I’m certain that I forgot a few!)
Also–Please pin or share with the other moms in your life. 🙂

Much love to you all, and have an amazing weekend!

Aloha,

Monica

Signs of Life

by Monica 57 Comments

Hey Friends! I’m away in Tahiti this week while Luke competes in a Pro Jr. Surf Contest. (And yes, these are the times I’m glad my son chose to be a surfer.) I’ll be sharing some updates on Facebook and Instagram, but I’m not counting on a whole lot of internet service while I’m away. But just before I left, in the midst of laundry and luggage and tax papers and college admissions information, I happened upon this post, and it struck a chord with me once again. It’s been nearly 2 years since I published it, so I hope it resonates afresh with you this week. Much aloha and see ya next week!

I had been simultaneously sweeping the floor, boiling potatoes, and returning a text message to a friend when I heard the truck coming up the driveway. We have a gate and a long driveway, so it is rare that a car other than our family’s pulls up unexpectedly. It was already 6:00 PM, but this was the FedEx man, delivering a package for my son.

But wait, let me back up: Moments (ok seconds) before the truck drove up, I confess I was in a bad mood. I was feeling irritated. Irritated with the daily clutter and messes that come with raising (and homeschooling) four boys. Four beach-loving, active boys. I prefer things to be tidy and orderly, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask. But even when everyone is pitching in, it’s hard to keep up. And yes I’m thankful to have healthy, busy kids, and happy that my kids are around so much, but sometimes I wish they didn’t leave so much “evidence” of their presence.

So I stepped out to greet the FedEx man, who smiled widely and reached out to pet our dog. I had the urge to apologize for the dirty dog (he was touching her) but stopped myself short. It’s a dog, we live in the country. It’s ok. I signed for the package, said thank you, and turned to walk up our front porch steps when I actually noticed the front porch!! and: Forget the dog, the whole place was a mess! Wet suits hanging from the rails, coffee mugs on the table…kids’ surf and diving gear strew about, even a pair of little boy underwear literally draped over the back of a chair.

And of course shoes (slippers around here) piled up in front of the door.

Wondering if the FedEx man had noticed, (hoping he hadn’t) I looked over my shoulder to see that indeed, he was still standing there tall, in the big open sliding door to his FedEx truck, looking right over me at the entire scene. I stopped and looked at him and he just looked out, like he was surveying our home or something…Not in a creepy way, but with a smile and a satisfied sort look on his face, like he was taking a mental snapshot because something about it made him happy.

And though just a second before I was about to apologize for the mess, or explain that I have four boys, and “it really doesn’t usually look like this” (lie) instead I just kept quiet then because (it’s hard to explain moments like these but) something crazy happened inside of me. Three words flooded my mind in that instant, and stole all of my apologies right away…

Signs of life.

I realized in that moment that everything before me…all of the stuff that I was embarrassed about and wanted to apologize for…they were the most awesome and precious and wonderful signs of a life being lived now. In the present. Not yesterday or next year. Not a memory, but today. Now! And right then and there — as if someone had switched out my frustrated-mom-brain with a wise-older-lady-whose-been-there-before-brain, I felt completely content and even proud that this was my home. My mess. My signs of life!

Suddenly then I wondered if the FedEx man had a family or a dog or someone to drink coffee with on the deck. (I also can’t explain why I have thoughts like these but) Do his kids leave messes and does it stress out he and his wife? I thought that maybe he knows how blessed we are when we have kids and messes, and maybe that’s why he smiled the way he did.

(I’m pretty sure.)

I actually choked back a tear then (please know me well enough to know that I don’t write this stuff to be sappy or emotional but this is really the truth) because I remembered that saying — the one that the older, wiser women tell us moms who are in the thick of it…”These are the days” they say. And I’ve heard it a million times but I knew it was true then. These are the ones…the very, exact days that we will one day sit and close our eyes and try to remember — the way we try to remember the taste of a favorite meal, or the smell of our babies. This! This here and now and sandy and messy and the underwear on the chair — it’s the stuff that one day I’ll only dream of having the chance to revisit. Even just one more time.

I turned back to the house as I heard the truck slowly pulling out of my driveway. Making my way back inside, I felt like a completely different person than the one who had walked out. Grabbing the coffee cups and the little boy underwear (stiff from having been in salt water and then dried) I headed inside to finish tidying up and preparing dinner. It all still needed to be done.

But now my feet were light on the floor and my heart soared because for at least that moment I knew that these really are the days. These are the loud and the messy and sometimes the hectic, but these are the days that say LIFE! so loud and clear. And I don’t want to wait to be old to be wise. I want to live today well. Even as I keep trying to create order out of the disorder, and find peace in the noise, (because I’ll never quit trying!) I want to know that these are all beautiful signs of life.

And somehow knowing that changes everything.

Friends, I’m sure that you have a few signs of life in your own world today. Maybe it’s in the car, or maybe in your place of work (thank God for work!) or maybe it’s in your home. But today I encourage you…No, more — I challenge you! — to see things through a different lens. To recognize the privilege of having people and pets and work that are all shouting, “LIFE!”

And before you apologize to your friends or guests, (or the FedEx man!) be reminded that a life well-lived will always be a bit of a beautiful mess…and welcoming others into it is sharing life in the most authentic way.

Have an amazing week, friends!

I’d love to hear about your current signs of life, so feel free to leave a comment below. And if this post has encouraged you, please consider sharing it with your people by using the social share buttons below!

With Aloha…

Monica and her crew 😉

PS All of the (yay–brand new!!) family photos were taken by my friend, and super talented photographer, Laura Aguon.

PPS Another post to challenge and inspire your perspective: “On Expanding.”

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family

GREAT LINKS:

RECIPES:

1. Keep Perspective.

2. Sit down and chat about things.

3. Make an Appeal rule.

4. Establish set consequences for arguing.

5. Reward obedience.

Most experts seem to agree with a few things about middle children.

1. Unconditional Love and Attention

2. A Listening Ear

3. Standards/Expectations

4. Some decent clothes

5. Options

6. Help Finding Good Friends/Direction in Life

7. Communication

PUBERTY

(ok maybe a lot.)

So let’s tackle puberty in TWO categories:

GUARANTEED TO HAPPEN WHEN YOUR SON HITS PUBERTY:

POSSIBLY WILL HAPPEN WHEN YOUR SON HITS PUBERTY:

We’ll tackle more teenage topics, like family life, social pressures, and dating in upcoming posts, so stay tuned!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY WEEK!

1. Plan ahead.

3. Adjust expectations.

4. Make a rain check?

5. Keep perspective.

Signs of life.

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