Finding Peace and Perspective in the Midst of Hectic Parenting
The key to finding peace and perspective when parenting is hard.
Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Frustrated. Drained. If I were honest, these words would often describe my state of mind.
Like most moms, I know I NEED breaks from the daily routine. And I do get away, but like many of you, my “me time” often includes Costco, servicing the car, or just my time to exercise. That stuff is all good, but I don’t think it should replace some serious get alone and breathe time.
But I had some unscheduled alone-time come up a few days ago, and that is why I write…
Sunday morning, I ended up with some time to myself in an hour that is rare for me to be away from the house…The before-sunrise hour.
My brother’s family needed a ride to the airport, so somewhere around 4:30 AM I was up and on the road.
I drove them to the airport, and after the hugs and goodbyes, I found myself driving back to the North Shore in a quiet car. Passing random neighborhoods, I saw the island slowly waking up….signs of life, and a new day dawning. It was a strange time to be alone. I felt myself getting thoughtful and even emotional. I didn’t know why, but as I thought about it, it occurred to me:
Typically when I “get out,” I have already lived part or most of a day. I might leave the house wearied from two-year-old tantrums, or with an incomplete to-do list weighing me down. I might be having an internal debate over whether or not I made the right call on this parenting issue or that. I might have just lost my temper. I usually leave with a list of calls to make on the road, and errands to run–even if I’m headed out for some supposed ‘me time.’ Typically I leave the house frazzled and with a mind anything-but-peaceful.
Not a pretty picture I know–but I’m just being honest. (Maybe someone relates.)
But this particular morning was different.
I hadn’t even parented one minute yet.
My slate was clean.
I wasn’t sick of kids, or overwhelmed.
It was early (and a Sunday,) so making phone calls for dentist appointments or car servicing or anything else wasn’t an option.
The only place that was open was Starbucks, so yes–I made that one stop.
And now, the day before me was a blank canvas. I wasn’t tired (Starbucks helped,) and I wasn’t in a hurry. I had two full hours before church.
So, as I drove quietly, my mind had the space to roam. My heart was free to feel. And then the tears began streaming down my cheeks. And the thoughts that hit me…
Oh God, I don’t want to be so rushed. I don’t want to always NEED to get away.
I really don’t want to be frustrated and overwhelmed.
I really meant to respond to Jonah last night when he asked me so sweetly to PLEASE help him with something….and I said “just a minute,” and then never went back to him…
When Josiah needed help stretching his tight muscles for surfing, and I had to first do something else, and then forgot to return…
And all of those fits that Levi throws–I know as much as anyone that he really only wants my attention.
But What–what can I do? How can I be all of these things for all of these people….and still be a happy wife, and honestly — a sane human being?
Sometimes it feels like just too much.
Or maybe I feel too little.
As I drove through the pineapple fields and over the hill, I could see down to the ocean, and the beautiful North Shore. Home. In the midst of all of these thoughts, my heart began to pound with a fresh longing to see my family. I wanted to hold them and hug them as if I had been away for a month. I felt silly then — I mean, wasn’t it just yesterday that I fantasized about flying away to a remote place to just be alone for a while?
Crazy, yes. But this time I allowed all of the conflicting feelings at once, instead of quieting them, or trying to organize them all like I normally would. I asked God if there was some take-home message here. Some way to love my family well, not just when I’m in a quiet place all by myself, but in the midst of the crazy, too.
And though I didn’t get a quick answer, or a set of supernatural bullet-points, I was reminded of a few things:
I was reminded that God’s peace is not dependent on circumstances, and that He is not restricted to quiet moments or even clear thinking. Instead it is available always because: He is peace. In the middle of it all, He is. He’s not overwhelmed by our overwhelm, and He isn’t thrown off when we show our weakness. He gets it. He gets us.
I was reminded that I am not alone in the daily grind of trying so hard and failing so much and loving so deep and being so tired. This is the stuff of true motherhood.
I knew I needed to go home and just pay attention.
Because these days matter.
Don’t wish them away, or hurry through them.
Guard them. LIVE THEM FULLY.
Not in a super-woman kind of way, because–YOU AREN’T.
But in a humble, love-the-kids and your husband in the day-to-day, just like you love them in the solitude of the sunrise, kind of way.
Finally: A healthy perspective doesn’t come naturally, so I must choose it.
Daily.
One of the best ways to gain perspective is in these getting-alone times. You need them. Don’t neglect them any more than you would neglect your own family.
Soon I arrived home to noise and chaos and a needy toddler and dishes in the sink. I don’t think anyone had missed me, or felt any extra appreciation for me. They hadn’t been thinking deep thoughts as I was, and the husband was — if anything, a bit frazzled from the pre-church rush.
The only difference was that of a mom with a softer heart. The dishes didn’t bother me like they normally did. I didn’t react in anger to the bickering boys but found myself telling them in a more-calm-than-usual-voice to “please, speak kindly.” I hugged my man in a way that said YOU ARE SO IMPORTANT TO ME.
And I smiled to God knowing that in those quiet early morning hours, He had lovingly snuck me away to speak encouragement to my dry and weary soul.
Now to those of you who could use a bit of encouragement…those of you doing your best and maybe burning out a little bit in a hundred different ways…
I want to remind you that you matter. These days matter. I encourage you to take time, when you can, to just step aside and catch your breathe and reframe your perspective. Then, step back in again…right into the things that press in on you. Wrap your arms around them and embrace them. Listen to them. Pay attention to them. And don’t miss out on God’s peace that is there, smack in the middle of it all.
I’d love for you to share in comments if this resonates with you. If you are in a season of crazy, or of peace, or anywhere in the middle. I’m sure we will find encouragement through one another.
With Aloha,
Monica
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I love, love, love this. Someone I know, I wasn’t close with, but know who was a mother of three children died in a car accident this week. I remember thinking that it shouldn’t take someone’s death to reframe my perspective on my family and life in general. You’re so right. Step away for a moment once in a while and feel gods peace. Then “step back in!”
Thank you so much for this post, I needed to read this so much right now ! ❤️
I really really needed to hear these words today. My life has been so hectic for the past 7 years. It seems like I may have forgotten how to enjoy life and appreciate all my many blessings. Especially my biggest blessings, my kids. Reading this makes me feel like I’m not alone and there is hope for me to find peace in the midst of all the chaos of everyday life. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a movie where someone is pushing the fast forward button. Your words encourage me to slow down and enjoy life before it passes me by. Thank you for sharing your heart felt thoughts with me☺
I remember hearing an adult recall his childhood with the one detail that stood out; his mom was a “relaxed mom”. I’ve been trying to embrace just that. The house gets messy and loud, but if I just go with the flow…it’s 100x easier. Early morning quiet time helps, too. Thanks Monica.
Jessica, thank you so much for commenting. You may have seen it, but since you mentioned the ‘relaxed mom’ thing, I thought I would share another post from my archives with you on that exact topic: https://monicaswanson.com/benefits-of-being-a-relaxed-parent/
I’m working on the same thing! 🙂 Much love –
Those words at the beginning really resonated with me. It annoys me that even though my kids have left home, I still have days where I feel like this (like yesterday!). I am working on accepting that I actually can’t do everything on my to-do list. I feel like taking your advice to step out, breathe, and then step in again could help with this!
Thank you, Kate. yes, with or without kids in the house…life is full, right? There is always more we “could do”, but it does not always add LIFE to our life. 🙂 Keep pressing on…Bless you!
I think I need to read this every week for a while… Thank you so much for posting it!
Thank you Ryann! Sweet words, and I feel the same. 🙂
This was exactly what I needed today. This is my life. Thank you so very much. I am encouraged more than you could ever know.
That means so much to me. Thank you Melissa for commenting! 🙂
Yes, this resonates a lot with me this week. This week as I prayed to God asking him how to live this life that is overwhelming me…I felt him tell me to chill out and enjoy the ride. Haha, how often does God tell us to chill? But I needed to hear it and his peace has been washing over me since. I struggle to take time for myself but I know I need it.
Wow Jamie–I love that. What a great word to get! 🙂 So glad this post went along with what you were already going through. So perfect. Many blessings to you–enjoy the ride!
Monica you nailed this one!!! Thank you😊
Funny how things come to you exactly when you need them most. Thank you for posting this.
Oh so glad the timing was good for you. Blessings! 🙂
So wonderfully and painfully true! Thanks for putting it words what I’m guessing what so many of us feel. My favorite part is “the only difference was that of a mom with a softer heart.” I regret all the times I rush or shush or leave my kids hanging. All they want is the emotional connection and time. And, that’s what we find we have the very least of. It’s a reminder that control-freak mastery totally sabotages us here.
Please keep the encouragement on this one coming!!
Oh thank you so much Beth! That means a lot to me. Bless you–
I love this and can completely relate.
Thank You x
Yep … can totally relate … and I needed this encouragement so much! Thank you!
Beautiful and much appreciated!
Thank you Shannon! Much aloha to you—
Oh, Monica, this is perfect timing for me right now! All the hats I wear and the not enough hours in the day nor days in a week have led me into a crazy time lately. Of course I resonate with this post! Just this morning while making my bed I realized I haven’t had been working out for two months already, and how much I rush through the day that it has helped me become a crazy mom and an unhealthy eater. But, right then I realized how much I need to appreciate these crazy times for one day they’ll just be memories. I need to get some quiet time soon, daily 😂 soon before I go crazier! Haha! I reminded myself that I need to leave the house even if it means just go out to the patio and just breath 😌, and reading this made me see how I am not alone, and it’s okay 👌 to feel like that at times, and pick up my load, and carry on! THANK YOU! 😊 Love ❤️ your writings! 🤗
P.S.
*Already Shared TW
Thank you so much Nidia! It does help to be reminded we are not alone, doesn’t it!? And yes, I’m pretty sure you are past due for some healthy get-away-alone time…I highly recommend a full day if possible! 😉 Blessings and thanks for taking the time to comment!
Amen! I have a four year old and a newborn. I feel so very blessed, yet overwhelmed at times. That was so beautifully written and a perfect reminder for me today. God had this day picked perfectly for you to finally post it! Thank you for sharing your heart on this blog. I found it a week or two ago and have been impacted in big ways already. (I’m reading your book too!)
Awww, thank you Jennifer! love hearing that. The season you are in was for sure my most challenging–hang on tight and enjoy the ride! Bless you.
I think in every comment I’ve left here, I always mention that I’m compelled to come here when I’m having a hard time or having BIG feelings (not always nice). And I always find what I need here, am reminded to give myself grace, and most importantly get the perspective I didn’t know I needed. I’m not sure this makes any sense, actually. Thanks, as always!
It makes perfect sense, and it blesses me to hear that. Thank you for taking the time to comment! Sending love and hope you have an awesome day!
Thank you so much for sharing! It has been so busy and rushed here lately. I feel like I can’t get all the things done, but this post was perfect for today. Thanks!
Thank you Amy! So glad the timing was good. 😉
Thank you for sharing this. So many days I find myself rushing and wishing for that much needed break and then when I get it I’m too tired to even do anything except veg. Trying to do too many things and never feeling accomplished. Thanks for reminding me to slow down and to take time to smell the flowers. This was a perfect read for 7 am!! 😉
Glad to hear it Cristina! Bless you and enjoy a few extra pauses today. 🙂 Aloha-