Today I have one more post from my archives to share with you.  (This is something I do over the busy summer months ;))  This post was written almost exactly two years ago, but as I re-read it recently I was reminded of the importance of the message.  So, whether you’ve read it before or not, I hope you find this post encouraging.  (even if it gives you, too,  a swift gentle kick in the backside…)  Here it is…

It all began in the car.  The boys had just finished school, and we were  headed to the beach…All six of us, or “the whole fam-damily” as my mom used to say.

The crew of excited boys were clamoring in back, loud as ever, while I thumbed text messages into my iPhone.  My husband drove quietly, lost in his many thoughts–likely thoughts of hospital patients, or our skate park project.  He’s a thinker.  Not a big talker.

In the middle of it all, one of our boys, the chattiest one,  leaned forward until his little body squeezed almost between our front seats, and breathing down our neck, spoke up, “Dad, you never TALK!”  I looked up from my phone, and cracked a little smile, and Dave kept driving.

The boy continued, “I mean, you don’t talk to Mom.  You should talk to Mom more!”

Dave drove on, completely unmoved by the accusation.

Perhaps my husband’s lack of defensiveness opened the door, or maybe it was the safe environment of being in the car and not eye to eye..but this simple observation seemed to start something.  Soon, the other boys all pitched in their ten cents, and before you know it, Dave and I sat there, a captive audience, and listened as our boys gave a full editorial commentary about our marriage:  How we did, (or didn’t,) talk, relate, or have fun together.  One said we only talk about THEM…about kids and schedules.  Another added that we talk about bills, and the house.  The first one reminded the brothers that “they probably talk when they’re on dates,” and the little guy just tried to stay in the conversation by repeating whatever he heard the brothers say.   Finally, the older, wiser brother tried to bring it all to a close by saying “If you guys ever shut up, maybe they would be able to talk!” to which Dave and I had to chuckle.

That entire conversation lasted no more than three minutes, but it did something to me.  It made me think.

What hit me the most was really NOT what the boys were saying…though that was interesting enough.  But the fact that they had something to say.

They notice.  They watch.  They listen.  They have thoughts and feelings about how my husband and I relate.  And that hit me really hard.

It made me realize that one day….all of our kids…will be in a  college dorm room, or on a date, (or in some therapist’s office,) and they will say the words, “My parents’ marriage was ______.”

What will go in the blank?

Because, I happen to know that my marriage is rock solid.  Not perfect, but absolutely secure.  My husband and I know all that we have been through together, and how often we talk at the break of dawn or late into the night…But my children?   Their perception of our marriage is an entirely different story.  How they describe their parents’ relationship is and will be determined by what they see and hear every single day–in the home, in the car, when we speak on the phone, or pay the bills.

And this little three-minute window–It gave me a pretty good idea of what the boys actually pick up on.

And I’m feeling really silly for not thinking more about this much sooner.

I’ve read books, and I knew from before I ever had kids, that our children are deeply affected by our marriage.  They will develop most of their thoughts and opinions on masculinity and femininity, relationships and marriage, through what they pick up at home.  They will learn conflict resolution, and how happy (or not) a marriage can be, by watching their own parents.

Sure, there are plenty of other factors and influences in a kid’s life, but I ought to never take for granted that I am a role model.  Every single day.

The few days following that car ride,  I found myself tuning in a little bit more to my boys when my husband and I were together.  As I greeted Dave with a hug one afternoon, I looked over his shoulder to see one of the boys look up from his school work, and try to hide the faintest smile.

When Dave called me at a most inconvenient time, and I started to speak to him with a tone that let him know this was a very inconvenient time, it hit me that two of my boys were standing right there…What message was I sending them?

When Dave is quiet–because he often is–What is my response?  Do I turn to my phone to find someone else to connect with, or might I turn my attention to my husband– bringing up conversation, asking him questions, and being the bubbly talkative one that he fell in love with?

I am happy with the relationship that Dave and I share, but I know there is always room for improvement.  And quite honestly, this little car chat was just the motivation I needed to put a little more effort into the way in which I treat my husband.  I want my boys to remember a mom who loved her husband deeply.  Who spoke with great respect about him.  Who enjoyed him, and was affectionate towards him.  And now I am seeing my boys as little household reminders–to be the kind of wife I really do want to be.  All of the time.

I encourage you to consider what your kids’ perception of your marriage might be.  IF you’ve got guts–Ask them!  We can look at our kids’ perception of us as a sort of barometer.  They can’t tell you everything about your marriage, but they might reflect some truths, which would be good to hear.

In light of all of this–I invite you to join me in doing these three things for the sake of the (kids and) marriage:

1.   Consider your kids as motivation to WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE.

If you think your kids might describe your marriage as less than healthy–Let it be your wake up call.  Consider these built-in mirrors a gift.

If your marriage doesn’t say “Happy” to your kids, it probably isn’t.   Get to work on it:  Find a good counselor, read some books.  Talk to your spouse about building it back up.  You married for a reason–dig deep and find it.  I believe God can do miracles even in marriages that seem hopeless.

Some of you may be in a situation where you are doing your best but your spouse is not.  Whether he or she has personal issues, or your relationship is falling apart, I hope you’ll seek counsel.  But also keep in mind that how you respond to your spouse will make a huge impression on your kids.  You can only control YOU, and your individual influence on your children is still great.  Your kids will pick up on a gentle spirit, strong convictions, patience, and faithfulness, and they will always remember that one of you set a positive example.  Choosing to handle things with wisdom and maturity is the best gift you can give your children.

2. Show your kids the best side of your marriage!
Now I’m not talking about faking it.  Kids will sniff out a fake in two seconds.   What I mean is this:  Do I love my husband?  Yes.  So, why not pull myself away from whatever I’m doing when he walks in the door and greet him affectionately.  Show him love always, but especially in front of the kids.  Not to put on a show, but because it is genuinely in my heart to love him.  Let the kids be an extra motivation, and feel good about what you’re showing them.

Show the kids that married people can flirt.  Show them affection, and laughter.  It’s good for them, and it’s good for you, too.

3.  Use some self control for heaven’s sake!
This is me talking to me.  Maybe one or two of you will benefit.
I happen to be the more demonstrative type.  I express myself well.  I get excited, and I show it.  I get mad and…well, you get the picture.  So, here’s the thing that has hit me like a punch in the gut.  Just because I feel it, doesn’t mean I need to express it.  {On the spot}.  A little self control is a good thing, and this applies to marriage and parenting in a big way.  I am learning to overlook a few things, telling myself I can talk to my husband about it later.  Usually when later comes, it is not a big deal any more.  But being critical and grumpy about laundry on the floor, or an errand that was forgotten–Simply isn’t worth the negativity it spreads through the whole family.

I can’t help but consider how easy it is to control my emotions when we have a guest in the house.  Now I am trying to imagine that my kids are like little guests, and I should show them my best too.

Perhaps this is something you keep in the front of your mind, and if so you are a bigger person than I am.  But maybe a few of you needed this healthy reminder like I did.  I encourage you now to get together, with your spouse, and talk about what messages your marriage might be sending to your children.   This is as good a time as any to recommit to growing a healthy marriage which will benefit both you, and the children that are watching.

Please feel free to comment below.

Also, I hope you’ll pin this post, and share it with friends.    If your spouse is doing good at this, what a great time to thank them!

With much aloha,
Monica

PS to single parents:  Though this post was written with married couples in mind, I do hope you can apply the basic principles I have shared to whatever your current situation is.  The most important message for all of us is that kids are watching and learning from how we handle every relationship and situation that we are in.  I am sure that single parenting is extremely challenging and my heart goes out to anyone carrying that load.  I do believe however, that managing your situation with maturity and wisdom can make a huge difference to how well your kids grow up.  So press on, parents!