Helping Our Kids Through Lonely Seasons

I’ll never forget a certain car ride when my boys were much younger.  One of my sons was asking me a series of questions that I honestly wasn’t following well.  Obviously I wasn’t giving him very good responses, because finally, with a very teary voice he just blurted out:
“I guess I just wanted some advice on how to make friends, but never mind!”

Oh…my heart.  

We’ve all been lonely at one time or another.  And we can all agree loneliness is brutal.  Yet there is one thing that may be worse than being lonely, and that is:

Seeing your child experience loneliness. 

We all want our kids to be happy, fulfilled, and surrounded by people who love them and think they’re as wonderful as we do. Yet most kids will go through a season or two (or eight) where they experience some degree of loneliness. Unfortunately it’s just a part of life.

The good news is that lonely seasons will not last forever. Though telling our kids that may not make everything better, this truth can help us as parents to keep perspective.

And as a parent of boys who have walked through some lonely seasons and come out the other side, I can say with confidence that things will get better. 

In fact:  A lonely season handled well can turn out to be just one chapter in a much bigger story.

Some kids are really open about their feelings, and will tell their parents when they are feeling lonely.  Other kids are embarrassed or don’t even know how to describe what they’re going through, so they might try to hide their feelings.  Either way, it’s usually not hard to tell when our kids are struggling.

Of course we should always try to open up the conversation, and give our kids a chance to talk to us if case they are willing.  Hopefully, some encouraging words and a bit of reassurance will be received well.  {Unfortunately, bullying is a real issue, and it is wise to check in to make sure this isn’t behind hurt feelings or loneliness for our children.}

But sometimes our kids just haven’t found a good friend yet.  Or their bestie changes schools, or moves away, or just decides to start being a jerk one day.  (Kids can be so mean! )(and by the way that sentence just rhymed didn’t it?)

There’s another time that kids can feel lonely, which has been the case for a couple of my boys.  Sometime around junior high or high school, a lot of the kids who used to be friends, begin to make decisions…to reject the values they once identified with, and to begin to experiment with drugs or alcohol, or get rebellious in any number of ways.  In this case, my boys have chosen to let these kids go their own way, while they remain on the narrow path.  However, over time that path can begin to seem really, really narrow.  (Like pretty much empty.)  Of course that isn’t true–there are plenty of other kids out there, doing good things, staying pure and keeping away from negative influences, but they might seem like they’re a million miles away.

And being a lonely teenager can really stink.

During times like these I have tried my best to encourage my sons.  I have prayed for them and with them that God would help them make friends—friends who share their values and will be a good influence and a fun companion. We have looked for ways to get involved in new activities and meet new people.  Then I have encouraged them to just keep busy doing the things that are before them: To be great brothers. To do their very best in school. To practice music, and pursue hobbies and use their time to grow in a hundred different ways.

The true hidden blessing of lonely seasons is that they can provide our kids (and all of us) with a great opportunity to get to know God as a really good friend.   During lonely seasons, my boys learned to read their Bibles and journal their prayers, and to literally talk to God like a very best friend.

I assured my boys that if they just kept doing the next right thing, one day their lonely season would be a thing of the past. And then, I promised, they’d come out the other side stronger, smarter, and closer to God.

Well, now that those boys have grown up a few years and come out the other side, I smile at God’s faithfulness: My sons did grow strong and smart… they did learn new hobbies and excel in school and they made great memories with their family.  And they also grew much closer to God.

And indeed, over time God answered their friend-prayers too: They now have plenty of friends, and a very full, very social life. They also now have confidence that if they find themselves in another lonely season, they will get through that one too.  But they’ll never have to do it alone, because their very best friend promises to always be there.  Which is a great reminder for all of us.

If your child hits a lonely season, here are a few tips to help you both get through it:

1. Talk about it. Don’t hide your feelings. Loneliness is real and bringing it out in the open is healthy and good.
2. Keep perspective. Remember that everyone goes through lonely seasons, and trust that this season will not last.
3. Keep busy! This is your time to find passions, train in sports, learn new things, and yes … do well in school. Make these days count!
4. Pray. God knows your heart and He knows who would make a great friend for you. Trust him to bring the right people into your life at the right time.

If you have a child who has faced (or is facing) a lonely season, I’d love for you to share your experience in comments, below.  Hopefully we can encourage one another!

With Aloha,

Monica