When I Heard my Kids Describe my Marriage.
It all began in the car. The boys had just finished school, and we were headed to the beach…All six of us, or “the whole fam-damily” as my mom used to say.
The crew of excited boys were clamoring in back, loud as ever, while I thumbed text messages into my iPhone. My husband drove quietly, lost in his many thoughts–likely thoughts of hospital patients, or our skate park project. He’s a thinker. Not a big talker.
In the middle of it all, one of our boys, the chattiest one, leaned forward until his little body squeezed almost between our front seats, and breathing down our neck, spoke up, “Dad, you never TALK!” I looked up from my phone, and cracked a little smile, and Dave kept driving.
The boy continued, “I mean, you don’t talk to Mom. You should talk to Mom more!”
Dave drove on, completely unmoved by the accusation.
Perhaps my husband’s lack of defensiveness opened the door, or maybe it was the safe environment of being in the car and not eye to eye..but this simple observation seemed to start something. Soon, the other boys all pitched in their ten cents, and before you know it, Dave and I sat there, a captive audience, and listened as our boys gave a full editorial commentary about our marriage: How we did, (or didn’t,) talk, relate, or have fun together. One said we only talk about THEM…about kids and schedules. Another added that we talk about bills, and the house. The first one reminded the brothers that “they probably talk when they’re on dates,” and the little guy just tried to stay in the conversation by repeating whatever he heard the brothers say. Finally, the older, wiser brother tried to bring it all to a close by saying “If you guys ever shut up, maybe they would be able to talk!” to which Dave and I had to chuckle.
That entire conversation lasted no more than three minutes, but it did something to me. It made me think.
What hit me the most was really NOT what the boys were saying…though that was interesting enough. But the fact that they had something to say.
They notice. They watch. They listen. They have thoughts and feelings about how my husband and I relate. And that hit me really hard.
It made me realize that one day….all of our kids…will be in a college dorm room, or on a date, (or in some therapist’s office,) and they will say the words, “My parents’ marriage was ______.”
What will go in the blank?
Because, I happen to know that my marriage is rock solid. Not perfect, but absolutely secure. My husband and I know all that we have been through together, and how often we talk at the break of dawn or late into the night…But my children? Their perception of our marriage is an entirely different story. How they describe their parents’ relationship is and will be determined by what they see and hear every single day–in the home, in the car, when we speak on the phone, or pay the bills.
And this little three-minute window–It gave me a pretty good idea of what the boys actually pick up on.
And I’m feeling really silly for not thinking more about this much sooner.
I’ve read books, and I knew from before I ever had kids, that our children are deeply affected by our marriage. They will develop most of their thoughts and opinions on masculinity and femininity, relationships and marriage, through what they pick up at home. They will learn conflict resolution, and how happy (or not) a marriage can be, by watching their own parents.
Sure, there are plenty of other factors and influences in a kid’s life, but I ought to never take for granted that I am a role model. Every single day.
The few days following that car ride, I found myself tuning in a little bit more to my boys when my husband and I were together. As I greeted Dave with a hug one afternoon, I looked over his shoulder to see one of the boys look up from his school work, and try to hide the faintest smile.
When Dave called me at a most inconvenient time, and I started to speak to him with a tone that let him know this was a very inconvenient time, it hit me that two of my boys were standing right there…What message was I sending them?
When Dave is quiet–because he often is–What is my response? Do I turn to my phone to find someone else to connect with, or might I turn my attention to my husband– bringing up conversation, asking him questions, and being the bubbly talkative one that he fell in love with?
I am happy with the relationship that Dave and I share, but I know there is always room for improvement. And quite honestly, this little car chat was just the motivation I needed to put a little more effort into the way in which I treat my husband. I want my boys to remember a mom who loved her husband deeply. Who spoke with great respect about him. Who enjoyed him, and was affectionate towards him. And now I am seeing my boys as little household reminders–to be the kind of wife I really do want to be. All of the time.
I encourage you to consider what your kids’ perception of your marriage might be. IF you’ve got guts–Ask them! We can look at our kids’ perception of us as a sort of barometer. They can’t tell you everything about your marriage, but they might reflect some truths, which would be good to hear.
In light of all of this–I invite you to join me in doing these three things for the sake of the (kids and) marriage:
1. Consider your kids as motivation to WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE.
If you think your kids might describe your marriage as less than healthy–Let it be your wake up call. Consider these built-in mirrors a gift.
If your marriage doesn’t say “Happy” to your kids, it probably isn’t. Get to work on it: Find a good counselor, read some books. Talk to your spouse about building it back up. You married for a reason–dig deep and find it. I believe God can do miracles even in marriages that seem hopeless.
Some of you may be in a situation where you are doing your best but your spouse is not. Whether he or she has personal issues, or your relationship is falling apart, I hope you’ll seek counsel. But also keep in mind that how you respond to your spouse will make a huge impression on your kids. You can only control YOU, and your individual influence on your children is still great. Your kids will pick up on a gentle spirit, strong convictions, patience, and faithfulness, and they will always remember that one of you set a positive example. Choosing to handle things with wisdom and maturity is the best gift you can give your children.
2. Show your kids the best side of your marriage!
Now I’m not talking about faking it. Kids will sniff out a fake in two seconds. What I mean is this: Do I love my husband? Yes. So, why not pull myself away from whatever I’m doing when he walks in the door and greet him affectionately. Show him love always, but especially in front of the kids. Not to put on a show, but because it is genuinely in my heart to love him. Let the kids be an extra motivation, and feel good about what you’re showing them.
Show the kids that married people can flirt. Show them affection, and laughter. It’s good for them, and it’s good for you, too.
3. Use some self control for heaven’s sake!
This is me talking to me. Maybe one or two of you will benefit.
I happen to be the more demonstrative type. I express myself well. I get excited, and I show it. I get mad and…well, you get the picture. So, here’s the thing that has hit me like a punch in the gut. Just because I feel it, doesn’t mean I need to express it. {On the spot}. A little self control is a good thing, and this applies to marriage and parenting in a big way. I am learning to overlook a few things, telling myself I can talk to my husband about it later. Usually when later comes, it is not a big deal any more. But being critical and grumpy about laundry on the floor, or an errand that was forgotten–Simply isn’t worth the negativity it spreads through the whole family.
I can’t help but consider how easy it is to control my emotions when we have a guest in the house. Now I am trying to imagine that my kids are like little guests, and I should show them my best too.
Perhaps this is something you keep in the front of your mind, and if so you are a bigger person than I am. But maybe a few of you needed this healthy reminder like I did. I encourage you now to get together, with your spouse, and talk about what messages your marriage might be sending to your children. This is as good a time as any to recommit to growing a healthy marriage which will benefit both you, and the children that are watching.
Please feel free to comment below.
Also, I hope you’ll pin this post, and share it with friends. If your spouse is doing good at this, what a great time to thank them!
With much aloha,
Monica
PS to single parents: Though this post was written with married couples in mind, I do hope you can apply the basic principles I have shared to whatever your current situation is. The most important message for all of us is that kids are watching and learning from how we handle every relationship and situation that we are in. I am sure that single parenting is extremely challenging and my heart goes out to anyone carrying that load. I do believe however, that managing your situation with maturity and wisdom can make a huge difference to how well your kids grow up. So press on, parents!
Thank you for your post; it was really well said and brought joy to my heart. I will continue to think about this article throughout my life.
Once again you are relatible and filled with wisdom that only comes from living enough life as a mom and wife. Thank you for the reminders!
🙂 Thank you Tara! Blessings to you, and Aloha!
super delayed response but wanted to thank you so much for the kind comment. This was a hard post to share, haha, but I know many relate so that makes it worth it! 🙂 Big blessings to you – Aloha-
My husband and I are not in a good place right now with our communication with each other. We know this and we’re trying, but reading this and being reminded that my boys are watching, hits home. Reading this motivates me to be better and to do better.
Thank you for being so open and helping to open my eyes (on so many topics).
Lisa
Lisa–I am so sorry that you’re in a difficult place with communication in marriage, but with a humble heart and the desire to improve, I am sure you are on your way to a better place already. 🙂 Thank you for sharing here and I pray you have an awesome week ahead. Much aloha!
Wow Monica, just like always you are right on point. I NEED to really take a lot away and apply it in my life. Constant reminders when I read your blogs! Thanks for helping all us ladies remember what is important in our lives.
Aww, than you April! Such encouraging words for my writing–that is my heart’s desire. 🙂 Glad this hit home. Bless you and much aloha!
Well said Monica! I’m glad you take the time to think of these things and analyze them, it is soooo true. Mahalo, Penny
Thank you Penny! Always love to hear from you, and you’re such an encouragement. 🙂 XO
Wow. Wow wow wow! Monica-SO GOOD. My husband is quiet and deep too and I’m like you- energetic and opinionated;) I think those two balance each other out so beautifully and Yahweh knows exactly what He’s doing when He pairs us. But GOSH I loved this post. Marriage is one of The Father’s GREATEST expressions so of course the enemy does what he can do to distract us from it and/or make it a lesser priority. Thank you for this awesome reminder. I’m going to go sit on my husband’s lap tonight and watch my little girls light up:) (and try to join me up there, no doubt!)
Thank you Jessica! LOVE hearing all of that! Such a sweet comment. Amen and amen! With much Aloha-
I love this. Thanks for sharing Monica! I’m always learning from you! Such a good reminder for me as I am married to a very quiet one as well. 🙂
Love ya,
Kenny
Oh thank you Kenny! I’ve thought of you so much and still cant’ get it in my head that you live in America again!! We really should chat soon! 🙂 Miss you and love you!
Great advice! Having been married going on 24 years, my kids have observed every part of my marriage. Although, my hubs and I do talk – a lot, because we are both talkers, we tend to constantly debate, at least that’s what our kids thought. And they were correct. However, the way we communicate is good for us because we were both the older siblings of our family and both of us do enjoy battling it out with a different opinion. Now though, we give more room in our debates and keep it quiet so it’s not interpreted as an argument. Glad we have kids that feel comfortable enough to ask questions and listen to our points of views, lol!
Monica, You are just so awesome…yet another wonderful post, point, conversation, and just a lot of truth telling lady! I never usually comment on blog posts, I read so many of them in a day and just have to move on, but I wanted to stop and tell you how much I appreciate this and so much more of what you put out there…maybe one of these days I’ll get around to emailing you like I always mean to! Thank you for sharing what’s on your heart.
xo, angie
Oh Angie!! That made my day, thank you for stopping this time to comment! 😉 Send me an email anytime, I promise I’ll enjoy hearing from you! XO, Aloha!
And it was reflections like this that helped me make the choice to do it alone.
My wife shared this post with me and jokingly said we need to talk. When I heard this, i got defensive thinking she’s accusing me of not talking enough.
After she clarified that she’s just thinking ahead after reading your post, we talked it out. Our baby is less than 3 months so we just want to be prepared as she gets older and be the best parents we can be.
Even though we have only been parents for a short time, we feel like we put our marriage in the backseat to fulfill the needs of a tiny human that came into our lives. We have to proactively put more effort into our marriage. Thanks for the early reminder that everything we do will be observed by our child and hopefully we can give them positive thoughts about not just parenthood but our marriage as well.
Best,
Tae K.
Thank you Tae,
If everyone thought ahead beginning when their baby was 3 months old…we’d have a lot happier families! Way to be proactive! Love it. 😉 Now give yourselves frequent reminders! You take care and thanks for commenting! aloha-
I used to be a nanny and was asked to go on vacation to help out with the kids. I said to them, “Maybe we can plan a fun night together so Mommy and Daddy can go out on a date!” The oldest replied, “They wouldn’t want to do that, they hate each other.” My jaw just dropped because I knew it was true. I just couldn’t believe such a young child realized it. I felt so bad. Kids truly do pick up on everything.
Very good article! So helpful for me! Thank you!
(Sorry for my english… i read and understand more than i speak and write! )
Reading you is a pleasure…and this article Made me realise how important it is to consider thath they are watching us … I think They see how much we take care of each other and it not i am gone work on thath side of our mariage. I think it is vert important They learn to take care of others feelings…
Aloha Monica,
I must admit that I am not married, and I do not have kids, but I am a firm believer of preparing for marriage and family way in advance before getting there, and that’s why I love matters to do with family, relationships and marriage. Too many of us invest heavily in careers and other aspects of life, but we fail to plan for relationships that mean the world and heaven to us and for people that we spend most of our time with.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this very important subject. It has made me look back at my own parents marriage and how it has shaped who I am today, and as you rightly put it, I want my marriage to build and not destroy my little guests when they come. I want to add and multiply and not divide and subtract from their lives. I want them to know that marriages do work and can be fun, and they can look forward to having theirs. But most importantly, I want to raise a godly generation and leave a good legacy for them. I want at the end of my life for them to say, ” here lived a woman, wife, mother and mother -in-love, full of wisdom and maturity who prayed for us, loved us and taught us how to love, and one who enjoyed every bit of her life.” and I hope my kids will love to see my marriage and emulate it. So for now, I continue preparing. Once again, thank you so much for sharing.
Appreciate much,
Anne
I just started following you on Facebook and I love it. I am a mother of four boys 9,6,3, and 8 months. Nice to see someone on the other side. Keep writing!
What a fantastic article…Thank you! I just started following you on Facebook and I am loving everything you are putting out there!
Thank you for this reminder. What hit me the hardest was using self-control and considering these words, “Now I am trying to imagine that my kids are like little guests, and I should show them my best too.” Just this thought alone could transform my family…not just how my kids “see” my marriage, but my marriage itself. Thank you!
Thank you Monica I loved your blog about what the kids thought on marriage. My husband and I have been married 10 years . We have had our ups and downs. He’s the quiet one too always lost in his head and I’m the talker, gill who wears her heart on her sleeve. Like you number 3 fits me to a T … Thank you again
Monica~
That is such a great reminder…… I love it! I have to say, my marriage has not been the greatest. Almost 24 years and my husband is just now in recovery from alcoholism. It has been the most miserable at times with bits and pieces of awesomeness tucked in here and there. Under these circumstances, my kids are no strangers to the fights, the words, the issues. But the main thing they have learned and I hope and pray they take into their marriages is commitment. There have been so many times that I wanted to throw in the towel and bail because being married to an alcoholic was just way too hard. After all, I signed up to live happily ever after not emotionally abandoned and alone. The fact is, I entered into a covenant relationship that called me to commit in sickness and health until death do us part. And even though my feelings toward my husband have basically been on a roller coaster over the years, I made a choice and I am going to honor that choice. I want my kids to know, (3 are in college now) that no matter how I feel toward dad, I made a commitment and I am going to stand by my decision through thick and thin……till death do us part…….learning as we go.
Kristen–(I actually thought I had replied to this, but don’t see it now, so maybe not.) Anyways, I just have to say a huge thank you for this comment. You are a strong woman, and I believe that you and your kids will all be blessed for your faithfulness. I give you so much credit. What a testimony you will have for other families. I pray that you get your blessing sooner than later. 🙂 XO Aloha-
Bonjour! I am a missionary in France, and a sweet gal at my church in Minneapolis sent an email with a link to your blog. WHAT A BLESSING! Thank you so much for writing truth, my dear. I probably will never meet you, but I feel like I know you and can relate a ton. We have a 14 month old (so far), and already we are convicted of working on our marriage and communication skills. My husband is a computer guy for our French and European ministry. I work with a variety of moms (it’s a new role for me.) Anyway, I literally might re-read this post of yours many times a year. Thank you! And… I, too, did not know about one-pot pasta cooking with sauce! (in reference to your latest recipe post.) Merci encore, and much aloha to you, Monica. 🙂
Tara—Thank you SO much!! I love meeting you, and what a fascinating life you must have! It is my favorite thing to hear from people visiting from other countries…God bless you for your work and ministry. Please keep coming back, and always say hello…or aloha…or Bonjour!! 🙂 XO
Thank you so much for writing this…your transparency and grace really allowed me to let it all sink in. I’ll be thinking and praying about this…
Hollie
Wow! Awesome! Sounds exactly like my husband and I and a conversation we just had about how our 14 year old son views our marriage. It was not great to say the least and we decided to definitely show more affection and tune in more. Great words of wisdom when I needed it most. Thanks for sharing.
Truly inspirational and thought-provoking. I think I am addicted to your site, btw. Love it.
~Corinna
Corinna–Thank you! Such a compliment! 🙂
I read this one the other day as we were embarking on our family vacation–really great to keep in mind as we are on this trip together, spending a lot of time with each other! During our vacation, I asked Tommy about our marriage–and his responses were along the lines of “fine” “happy”, etc…at first I was disaplointed that his answers weren’t more animated, then I realized that his answers reflected an attitude of everything being fine and happy–just as it always has been, just as it always should be, kind of thing. And I realized that my husband and I have been able to give our son the best, most luxurious gift we could ever give him: to take our love for each other for granted. I’m all in favor of counting blessings, that’s for sure. But, this is a luxury I wished I’d had growing up. And I’m so glad I can provide that for our son. 🙂 thanks for this thoughtful, thought-provoking post!
Great points, Monica! I really should refer to point 3 often…
I asked my sons to describe our marriage. Here are their responses:
7yr old : ” Fun, happy and you help us and each other.”
5 yr old: ” Your marriage is a Star Wars marriage and you kiss each other because we have love.”
Trying not to read too much into the Str Wars comment… I think I would be Vader.
What a wonderful and important message Monica has shared here. It’s hard, but she is right. We all get so busy, that we don’t think of these things, but she has opened my eyes a bit….Thank you Monica!! You ROCK!!
Thank you Ginger! So nice of you…and happy if this served as a good reminder! 😉 Much aloha!
My goodness; where to begin…
Your post is absolutely spot on – we are the role models and our actions and words (or lack of…) help form our children’s views. It is hard to remain mindful – as you say it is easy to hear yourself responding to your Partner with ‘that’ kind of tone when you are busy/distracted. I guess the take home here is; if in the majority of instances you are respectful, loving and listen to each-other the kids can form positive experiences of a relationship. We are all human and life does get in the way – the key is to let the messages be an accumulation of good ones! Cheers Monique
I couldn’t agree more Monique-Well said! Thank you for the comment. Much aloha!
Great Article! So needed to hear this. I can use this info to improve!!
Such a great reminder! My parents had a sign hanging in the back entry of our home with the saying, “The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” And it’s oh so true…
Thank Monica for being so frank! It is these little reminders in the ‘front’ of our mind that can make all of the difference every single day. Sometimes I feel as though I only have so much patience, so much kindness, so much compassion to share, and with two preschoolers it all seems spent on them( as well as strangers at the playground, the dog park, the shopping exchanges).
I often don’t verbalized my frustration with my life long partner, but the negative energy is floating through the air as I mutter to myself about this or that. I know the children pick up on those subtleties and need to be more mindful of them. I know we have a solid relationship too, but it can be chipped away at every time a negative thought, action, or words enter in.
We are packing and moving right now, and I am definitely feeling the stress. Our voices were not so nice the other day during an exchange about something to do with the move, and our 5 year old said, “please don’t start arguing, I don’t like it”. We don’t often argue, or what we would define as an argument, but it is the tone of voice that our son was picking up on…..it stopped me in my tracks! Children do need to learn how to resolve conflict, but it can be done with a nicer tone as well!!
Wishing all Mamas out there infinite compassion, kindness, patience and love…for everyone in their lives….especially those we share out walls with:)!
Thank you Brenda–So true, and so well said. Good luck with the move, that can be one of my biggest challenges! Much aloha to you!
great reminder!
Loved this–thank you! Great thoughts for my husband and I to consider!
I’ll be honest, I was nervous to take this little “test” knowing that I have more moments than I’d like of being sassy and disrespectful to my husband. Yes, even in front of our boys. Imagine how delighted I was when the answer from our sons’ mouths were “good” “happy” “kissing”! Phew! By the grace of God, in this season, my boys see good in our marriage. Thanks for the accountability Monica! It was a good reminder to take stock and remember…there are little eyes everywhere…watching. So we better be smooch’n our man more than we’re sass’n our man! ; )
Niki! Yay!! Well done. It is true, sometimes we think they see more negative than they do…I love to hear this! 🙂
Thanks for letting me know, and also glad to hear I’m not the only sassy wife out there! haha. XO aloha!
I love your articles and they are so relevant to all families. We take for granted the small percentage if our married life that we share with our kids. Thankyou for bringing that awareness back to me and I will always keep it in mind from now on.
Soooo true.