Kids and Porn: The Slippery Slope
Post-publish note (3/15): I have made some changes to my original post to narrow in on the most important information here. The topic of pornography and the potential for kids to stumble upon porn is on my mind more than ever now that I have two teenage boys in the house. (and two more coming up behind them.) I hope to write more in a future post about this issue as my passion for the subject has only grown since I originally published this post last fall. I wrote this post specifically to address some of the things I think we can easily overlook as parents: The “slippery slope” of what happens when kids are exposed to images through movies, YouTube/Vimeo and so many other online sources that many of us parents don’t really know much about. I just want to share some awareness on the issue, because I think it is super important.
I know that pornography isn’t a new problem. When I was young I remember boys bringing “girlie magazines” out to show off to their friends–something that they had snagged from under big brother’s mattress or from a stash in dad’s bathroom.
The biggest difference between then and now is that technology has made everything so much more accessible. We are all so connected to the internet, kids included, and pornography is literally “just a click away” as Josh McDowell’s campaign calls it.
So without putting our kids in a bubble, what can we do to protect them? Sure, they’ll be exposed to things sooner or later, but if I have anything to say about it–I’ll take the much, much later.
Statistics tell us that most boys are introduced to porn by age eleven.
But even if you don’t think your kid has dabbled in pornography, I am concerned that the road to get them there is a very slippery one indeed.
A recent hot topic during a surf session was a certain rented movie that a group of boys had watched, and how many vulgar scenes were in it. “So-and-so watched it at least thirty times,” they bragged to Luke. Over lunch that day, Luke told me what movie it was, so I looked it up on my phone and read the movie review…Then I almost choked on my lunch. It was a movie filled with filth and raunchy humor. The review labeled it a “Hard R” movie.
Friends, you probably know this, but I’ve got to get this off my chest anyways: One graphic sexual scene in a movie like this can trigger a place in a child’s brain that makes them want to come back for more as soon as possible…This can lead to a lifetime of pornography addiction. Porn addictions destroy marriages and lives.
And it all really does begin with a simple look at a photo or video. Boys are especially vulnerable as their first experiences with sexual matter is known to give them a mental imprint for what they then seek in future sexual relationships. That one look can hook them like a drug, and change the course of their futures.
Boys who are exposed to porn at a young age will grow up with a twisted view of women, and most often bring the filthy baggage into their marriages. And at the most extreme case we can look at pretty much every sexual criminal–who will say began their journey with pornography in their childhood or teenage years.
Protecting our kids, and teaching them how to protect themselves in the area of pornography should be one of our greatest responsibilities as parents.
Here are a just a few statistics that we should all be aware of: (though I studied many sites, most of these stats are coming from the Covenant Eyes site, which keeps very good up-to-date stats.)
**9 out of 10 boys are exposed to pornography during their teenage years.
**6 out of 10 girls are exposed to pornography during their teenage years.
**71% of teens hide online behavior from their parents.
**15% of boys and 9% of girls have seen child pornography.
**39% of boys and 23% of girls have seen sexual bondage online.
**83% of boys and 57% of girls have seen group sex online.
**69% of boys and 55% of girls have seen same-sex intercourse online.
With technology only getting more and more accessible, this topic can get downright overwhelming. Media and pop-culture seems to want us to believe that pornography is normal, and even a laughing matter. But I know too much to laugh at this subject. And I do believe that there are things we can do to help prevent our kids from being brought down by pornography.
Some things we CAN DO as parents to help protect our kids!
1. Talk to your kids about issues, before they become an issue.
As soon as they are old enough to understand their “private parts,” you can have appropriate conversations with kids about protecting their own body, and also protecting their eyes. There are plenty of books which can help you with this, but making this open conversation at a young age is so important. In our family we start young with simple conversations about marriage, sex, and God’s design for it all.
2. Get filters!
Even though we haven’t had any issues with pop-up ads or kids stumbling on porn yet, we are in the process of getting a filter. Net Nanny and Covenant Eyes are two that have been recommended to us. It simply isn’t worth the risk, so I want all of our devices to be filtered. (please share in comments if you have a filter company that has worked well for you family!)
3. Make rules, and follow-through.
Our rule is that kids need to ask permission before watching a movie or playing a video game whether they are home or at a friend’s house. Kids need a lot of guidance, and help making wise choices–well into their teenage years. As I mentioned before, the ratings of movies has changed so much, it is worth taking the time to read reviews and find out about a movie before you let your kids watch it. (Plugged in is a great place to look for movie reviews.) Determine what your family rules are, and make sure there are consequences in place if your child breaks a rule. This is not an area to slack off in your parenting.
4. Have an open policy with checking cell phones and other devices.
I shared this in my Teenage Boy post, and except for one or two commenters (one who admitted to being a teenager, haha, :)) most people agreed this was a good idea. As long as a kid is legally in your care, this is a reasonable rule. Cell phones (and all internet-capable devices) are privileges, and the accountability of knowing that their parents might be checking on things will actually make a teenager feel more secure. In fact, telling their friends “My parents check my phone and computer,” might just help your kids avoid uncomfortable situations that they would rather not face!
5. Know where your kids are and what they’re doing.
You are never too busy to know what is going on with your own children. Get to know their friends. Meet their friend’s parents. Ask questions, and if you don’t feel good about anything, go with your gut. Make your own home a fun place for kids to gather, and set any boundaries you need to in order to protect your kids from being in environments where they are at risk of being exposed to bad influences.
6. Keep computers and other devices visible.
When our boys are on a computer, they need to be in a visible place. If they are in their bedroom, we face their desk so that we can see them from the door and we ask them to keep their door open. This is basic accountability. I have asked my boys to never “clear history” on a computer without asking me, and they know that I do a quick check occasionally to see what everyone has been browsing. This isn’t being uptight or a control freak–it is being a responsible parent. 😉
6. Talk talk talk talk…
Have I mentioned communication? Oh good! Really: The more you bring up the uncomfortable stuff, the more comfortable your kids will be about talking to you! If they know that you actually have a clue what is going on, they’ll be much more likely to keep you in the loop on things. Direct your kids to helpful books and internet sites that will encourage purity and positive relationships. Help them find good friends, and healthy, fun things to do. Much of what I talk about in my post about Middle School and Teenage boys will be helpful in this area.
Feel free to share in comments if you have any other helpful resources or thoughts on this topic!
And as always–Pinning and sharing is the best way to make sure you friends will get a chance to read this too!
With Aloha,
Monica
thanks monica its a usefull site for me,im so glad to read your site
Great post. Thanks for sharing tips on such an important topic. Pinned.
Porn is the original cause of sexual abuse to my niece. He was a preteen at the time. No one really knew about filters back then, but the computer was in public space. Still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.
brings tears to my eyes too. Thank you for sharing, and sadly, I think it is a common story (though not oft-talked about!) Aloha
I’m a 40 year old parent of one boy….and I agree with Joseph. Just because you see it doesn’t make you an addict. I’ve watched porn over the past 15 years. I’m not an addict. In the right context it can be helpful to a relationship or even self-discovery.
Joseph makes some great points. It’s unfortunate that he’s being discredited because he’s 19 or not a parent. That is exactly the kind of closed minded and judgemental attitude that causes problems.
My 9 year old son was recently “molested” by another 9 year old child. Do you know where that boy learned it? Watching his parents have sex. No internet required.
The key is having good communication and being a responsible parent. Stop pointing fingers outside of the home and start finding answers inside your home.
Kid’s in mind is another great website to get reviews of movies, etc…
Thanks for sharing your insight & all of the information!
I just stumbled onto your blog. I connected to this one through your other one on parenting middle school boys. I am a single mom raising an 11 year old boy that I adopted 7 years ago. So far, no problems with pornography. But, it’s not easy just watching tv with him. I’m thankful that he turns his head when racey commercials come on or when a part of the show I wasn’t expecting is suddenly in our faces. However, I get so frustrated for him because it is literally EVERYWHERE we go. We don’t go to a particular part of our mall because of the posters hanging in some store windows. We can’t go to the lake without someone showing everyone what they have.
How do you do deal with those moments? We are very open in my home and talk about EVERYTHING. But there are some things he just won’t talk about. He has an uncle to talk to, but Thalia’s conversations are getting fewer and further between as uncle is starting his own family. Please keep in mind, it has always been just the 2 of us. I adopted him as a single woman.
I’m just curious if anyone else out there is a single mom dealing with this. I, like any other parent, want to give him the best chance of success at life. We are committed to being lifelong followers of Christ and I certainly don’t promote this kind of behavior at home.
Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts and insights!!
Cindy
I enjoyed reading this. My son got an iPhone for his 10th birthday. His dad and I are divorced and he stays alone sometimes for a few hours. He will be 11 at the end of the month. About 6 months ago, I got his phone for the first time because someone had suggested he might be looking at stuff he shouldn’t.
So I went to his YouTube account. I went through his recent history and it was anywhere from Katy perry naked to how babies are born to different types of sex. I was floored. So I put restrictions on YouTube. I was so naive.
About two months ago, we were having issues with his xbox and my phone was in the other room and his was beside him. So I grabbed it to google the problem. Safari began to load in private browsing… And immediately my son was saying things like he didn’t know what that was and that he didn’t do that, etc. and what popped up was a free porn site. He had two tabs of different sites open. I immediately put restrictions on his phone. That’s the good thing about iPhone but I didn’t know I could do that until I began researching iPhones and kids.
He also logged out of YouTube so he could browse whatever he wanted to. So I deleted that and put a passcode on any app downloads, free or paid.
I guess what scares me the most is that there are some role playing rape type porn. There are girls that will do anything the man says.
What If the woman says no but the man does it anyway for the role playing aspect? Does my son actually know that she’s saying yes but saying no? Is he going to come to that point with a female later in life and think her no means yes?
Is he going to be forever unsatisfied because females won’t do what porn stars will?
I was raped by my boyfriend at age 14. I was in church every time the doors opened. After this, I changed. I couldn’t understand how God let this happen to me so I said if I want to have sex I will. I didn’t to become a slut or anything. But I was saving myself for my husband and now I had nothing to give him. It killed me.
I have taken every device away except the Xbox which he gets 1-2 hours a day max and his iPhone which is heavily restricted. I talk to my son often about sex and the porn aspect so he knows that what he’s seen isn’t realistic.
The things I did as a teen sexually are nothing compared to what I am willing to do now at 30 with my husband. I fear porn has ruined my child. Porn isn’t reality. And it’s my fault for not researching and restricting earlier.
Victoria secret mags hidden is one thing. Everything is covered and it’s no worse than a walk on the beach. It’s just a picture. But video changes everything .
We have verizon and I have his iMessages turned off and I have the verizon messages app on my phone so any message he sends or receives, i get it too. If it’s his dad I respect their privacy and delete it or any adult family member. But any friends his age or close to, I check thoroughly because i don’t want dirty pics being sent back and forth.
Anyway that’s how I have dealt with it. I hope this helps and if anyone has any ideas for me, they will be greatly appreciated.
Such a great article! Thank you so much. As the mom of an 8th grade boy, one who sounds and looks like a 17 year old, and most likley thinks like one too….our biggest issue with “porn” unfortunately hasnt come from web searches (well as far as we know). The issue we have been running into is the girls he attends school with sending him pics of themselves, some of which have been beyond what we could have imagined.
I think this could be a really great topic because until this year we just assumed if he saw that stuff, it would be an online search or maybe a movie with a somewhat “adult” scene, not a text message from the girl who sits next to him in math. Its scary because even though the internet filters have been created, these images are coming through in other ways. And he is more than happy to except them. I wish I knew how to deal with that.
Thanks again!
I really appreciate this article. My children are very young, but I think about this topic often and what I can do as a parent to be proactive and help them stay strong in a world where, as you say, pop culture normalizes pornography. I appreciate the resources listed and plan on looking into them more.
I’m appreciating your posts and am reading through your archives, as I’ve just discovered you. Everything speaks true to my experiences raising 3 girls. I just wanted to add to your observation about movie ratings, lest anyone assume PG from back in our days is automatically safe. I found that previous to the PG-13 option, many things were allowed that raised my eyebrows as a parent now. Mainly in the areas of rough language and underage drinking/drugs. Funny how we forget, or maybe never noticed, when we were kids.
Yes, I agree Laura! Thanks for commenting, and so glad you have stumbled upon my site! You are welcome here! 😉 Aloha
One other area to consider with Pornography is that they are mostly paid actors putting on a show or someone trying to extract your money. It is not a reasonable reflection of how a loving relationship is. It is mostly unromantic and treats the beautiful human body as a piece of meat. It can give men and women an unrealistic time frame of how long things should take or how big men’s penis’s should be and can lead to men and women feeling inadequate and insecure about the way they look or how quickly they ejaculate. It can also raise men and women’s expectations of how each gender should be. In my youth I had watched it several times and these are some of the issues I have seen raised as a result of pornography. Great article Monica, thank you for sharing. It is very important to teach our children to respect their own body and the bodies of others. I don’t check through my children’s phones, however, they know I have access and they have been given boundaries, along with my trust. If I ever find that they have broken that trust, then this may change. My children are early and mid teens and at this stage speak to me about everything. If they know they can come to you open and honestly without judgement, this enables better communication. Aloha.
Hi! I just recently found your blog. We have a lot of things in common. I live on the windward side, homeschool our 4 kids, and appear to share the same values as you.
I wish we lived closer. I am willing to bet our kids would get along really well!
Anyway, I do have a question for you. How do you handle the fact that the boys (my son is 13) constantly see women and girls in super small bikinis? I know your boys are in the surfing culture so, I’m just curious. We are constantly at the beach, and constantly see people wearing next to nothing. I know things are culturally very different here, (we still have our daughter wear rash guards and board shorts, but do you have your boys look away? Do you just not make a big deal about it (we’ve just been kind of going with this method)? Do you move to a new location to surf? Just curious.
great post! My husband is addicted to porn and thinks it is no big deal and that Because of my personal insecurities, I’m uptight about it. But I am more worried about my 5 year old! A week ago he was playing a game on his phone and opened up the Internet and all of a sudden I heard from the other room ” yuck! Daddy why do you have private parts on your phone? ” that destroyed me and I wish it would have made him see things differently no, he thought it was funny and told him he couldn’t play on his phone anymore. My pastor said worst thing to do is nag husband who is not a Christian about it and pray for him but it’s been a long difficult road.
Katie…Wow. Oh man, my heart goes out to you. I’m just not sure I agree with your Pastor if your son is stumbling on things…I’ll direct email you, but for now, I am praying for you. This needs to be taken seriously as it absolutely will affect your family in every way. I’m so sorry. Much love–
As a wife and mother who has spent the last 3 years trying to save her marriage, thank you for putting this out there on the internet. What started out as my husband “harmlessly” looking at porn, blew up into full scale sexual addiction.
Pornography always causes pain.
Your marriage will never be the same.
The people you watch…those are somebody’s kids.
Did you know that if your marriage experiences infidelity, that you have a 10% chance of making it….Christian or not? What porn does to our families and our marriages is real. utter destruction. When my husband saw the stat about 56% of divorces having a member of the marriage obsessed with porn – his response: that number is low.
We started our healing process with Dr. Doug Weiss in Colorado Springs, https://drdougweiss.com/intensives. I can not recommend him highly enough if you are struggling with this problem. I say we “started” because I don’t know that this healing process will ever truly be finished. What I do know is that God blessed us and is using this tragedy in our lives to His glory.
Check out this ex-porn producer, Donny Pauling, who is now an anti-porn advocate: https://donnypauling.net. He has never changed his cell phone since he left the industry, and he still gets calls from girls that were in his films, begging him to get them off the internet because they are getting married or having kids and want to start new lives. And the worse part….he can’t get those images back for those girls.
Pornography is as destructive to the people in it, as the people that use it.
Thanks for tackling this subject.
Margi–Thank you SO MUCH for your comment! You represent so many others who I know have read this and not commented…Thank you for being bold and sharing your story. I am thrilled that you are in the healing process, and will remember to pray for you as you go. I will look at both links you shared. I had not heard of Donny Pauling, but I am so glad to hear a story like that.
God bless you and keep working hard at this–I believe your story could inspire so many others!! Aloha
Thank you Monica for addressing this topic!! As an abstinence educator at our local middle schools I see A LOT of kids who are already struggling with pornography addiction, even at the age of 13-14. My biggest piece of advice I give to parents today is highlighted in your last point about talking to your kids- start a conversation about sex and keep it going, adding more details and asking them questions too as they mature. It’s a statistical fact that kids desire to hear about sex from their parents as opposed to their peers, even though they may act like they don’t want to hear it from us! If we let our kids know how important this topic is by taking the time to talk with them about it then they will feel valued, which usually leads them to make better decisions that will positively impact their futures! Our words have so much power, but they are impotent if they never leave our mouth…
Thank you so much Carmella! Great points and so glad to hear from you since you work with kids in this area. So sad to imagine 13-14 yr. olds w/ addictions in this area. Horrible! I appreciate the encouragement–thank you! With Aloha–
This topic makes people uncomfortable but it needs to be talked about!! Good on you for writing this!
Pornography addiction is a serious problem in our culture and it’s starting younger and younger! And it’s not even just a boys issue, as the stats show! Like said, it can ruin marriages and lives!
Have you heard of xxx church?
I believe the website is xxxchurch.com but it’s all about helping people with sexual addictions, and they’re whole aim is doing it from a place of love, and not shame. When we bring light to the dark places we are able to become free!!
Blessings to you for addressing this!!
Karla
Thank you so much for sharing during a time where the world is very self consumed.
Bravo!! You are on target with this 100%. We are experienced with students public school, private Christian school and homeschooling. I realize everyone commenting has a perspective through their own experience, but that does not negate the realities and truth stated in this post. Students in their early teens (And younger) are exposed and many developing addictions. Most start out of curiosity which naturally comes with age. As parents (and adults in the community) we are responsible for guiding healthy learning and understanding.
Thank you Rebecca! Appreciate your words and experience with various types of schools. 😉 Great words. Aloha–
This is also an excellent resource. The author has a few interviews you can find out there, as well, that are great sources of information and statistics.
https://www.amazon.com/Good-Pictures-Bad-Porn-Proofing-Todays/dp/0615927335
I should have given a description. This book teaches children that they have “two” brains. A thinking brain and a feeling brain, and helps them know what to do and how to handle it when (because they will, at some point) they see pornographic images. It also opens up communication with the parent because they have read the book with them and know they can talk to them without worry.
I’ll look into that, Thank you Christine! Sounds really interesting! Aloha– 🙂
I’m curious where you see the line between responsible parenting, as you called it, and allowing your kids to make decisions about the media they consume trusting you’ve taught them well? That if they are to come accross something they know is against the rules that they will handle it in the ways that have been prescribed.
I ask this only because I am curious about how long you plan to continue the method of the monitoring that you do of their devices, because we all know that we can’t be looking over their shoulders forever! And when it comes to that point of them having that freedom whether it be when they leave home or whatever, hoping that they continue following the guidelines you’ve instilled in them and not just throwing it all to the wind because mom can’t tell you not to anymore.
I’ve seen a lot of friends and children of friends become really reckless in any manner of ways once they left home after a rather rigid upbringing because they finally have the chance to do all the things they never got to, and while I’m not suggesting that will happen to you and your kids it is always something that crosses my mind when I see blogs making posts along these lines.
I think in relation to porn specifically it’s another great reason why educating kids about their bodies and sex from an early age is so important because curiosity about their own bodies is natural and if they aren’t having their questions answered at home they turn wherever they can, the Internet clearly being a prime choice. While I do think there are some great online resources for sex and puberty and the like, it is of course important to lead kids to them because god knows what they can find.
I appreciate that you made this post and are willing for discussion around the topic, talking about the most sensitive issues can be the most important
Thank you Kate. Great questions, for sure! I think the simplest answer to this question goes back to what I have emphasized in all of my parenting posts, which is all about relationship. Every family rule or guideline we have is given in the context of our love for our kids and our wanting the very best for them. We are super close–they respect us and want to be like us (at least so far! ;)) I don’t think anyone who knows our family well would describe our parenting as “rigid,” or even rule-focused. We communicate openly about just about everything throughout our days. We also don’t focus on “morality” for the sake of “morality.” I have seen a lot of kids raised this way end doing the whole “live recklessly” thing later when they have more freedom. We have taught morality in light of a relationship with God, which each of our boys have individually chosen to have. We talk about examples of those who have made a variety of choices, and they genuinely want to live a good life that pleases God. Obviously, our oldest is only 15, so I cannot guarantee what the future holds, but so far I am thrilled with his heart, and I have a good feeling about his future.
I may write a blog post on this topic because I truly do think your question echoes many others as well. Thank you so much for asking! 😉
I think this is SUCH an important post. Pornography is not an addiction that people talk about, and it is very common and very dangerous. I agree 100% with everything you are saying.
Most people think that pornography is not very dangerous as there is not a close contact with the person, and you are at your home, so how can it be dangerous…. But it is. It changes the way the brain gets their pleasure, it affects adults in a very significant way, but mostly affects teens with their developing brains.
Keep your good work Monica! I enjoy reading you very much!
Thank you Monica! I so enjoy reading your newsletters, posts, and those of other parents. The ideas are so thought provoking and helpful, whether I agree or not. I have never commented before, but your “slippery slope” really hit home with our family. I had to share our recent situation, where my teen son, did “slip away” from our trust in him. Although, a bit different scenario than porn, but under the same umbrella of temptations!
My post is long-winded… ‘bear with me.
As the proud mother of a wonderful, 15 year old BOY, I’d like to offer another suggestion of a “child check” to your list of things we can do. One idea that isn’t specifically addressed above:
It’s simple:
>BE A SNOOPER! We know children can be sneaky and hide things in their bedroom/playroom. (Sheesh! I did!) We found this out the hard way, when my brother called (this past August) to deliver the, “Can I talk to you?” news. He had heard my son was “involved with something.” In hindsight, had my husband and I searched his bedroom months before THAT gut-wrenching phone call, our “that-can’t-be-our-son” world may not have crumbled in earth-shattering time!
Cut to the chase… and my genuine plea of tips to parent readers:
(And, I respectfully realize many may not agree. You included, Monica.)
I sincerely offer these as suggestions:
> Take the time to search through your child’s room(s): In clothing drawers, under mattress and bed, closets, display shelves, shoe boxes, linen closets, in bathroom, tuck-away places that are UP high, inside books, under/inside stuffed animals, every nook and cranny!
> WHY? To establish a “baseline” of what you find. Items might include written notes from friends with unacceptable words or requests, CDs/movies with inappropriate, vulgar lyrics, suspicious “smelling” items, photos from magazines as your post suggests, “extra” money, clothing with vulgarity, illegal substances, alcohol, and anything similar in each of these categories, negative or unexplained, or against family rules. Also, to establish and reinforce the rules of, “This is not ok in OUR family!”
> Our feelings about “invading our 15 year old’s privacy,” is a moot point. He is expected to live within the rules of OUR home. The home my husband and I provide FOR HIM.
>Just as all your tips/rules apply above, and is the underlying message, but especially described in #6, “This isn’t being uptight or a control freak–It is being a responsible parent.” This is especially true in this generation of teens and technology. And, to think otherwise, is archaic. Your suggestions basically offer the same advice: to SNOOP!
> If our son violates family rules, be minor or major, then strict consequences will follow, especially now that he’s driving!
> We believe parents are seriously naive, if they believe their child/teen “would never do anything like that!” Because they do, and they will.
*By the way, we dodged a crisis with THAT phone call from my brother. It was seriously a blessing in disguise. I can happily admit, since that August day, we have lived each day with a “one-day-at-a-time” attitude to regain our son’s trust. And, it has been successful! The old adage of “keep teens busy and tired” rings every so true in our household! Often, idle time=sneaky! Yes, teens deserve to be respected and trusted, UNLESS the circle of family trust is broken. And, for us, it was. Teens will make bad decisions and must learn how to deal with those temptations, be it online, or directly from peer pressure.
We have moved beyond our “drama” and are better for the lessons it has taught my son and us, as parents, of being too trusting.
Thank you for allowing me to VENT! I hope this helps even just one parent with ideas for their own family dynamics.
You know, I would like to ban all internet usage untill 18 years old! That guy that posted get your kids to ride a bike, etc. he obviously doesn’t follow your posts. I’m not even very religious and I know that pornography is totally fake. It’s not real life. It sets up rediculous expectations, and does not make for any type of decent relationship. It basically distracts people from a quality relationship.
Thank you Elsa. (Haha, yes–good point–I do hope that anyone who reads my blog knows how much time my kids spend outdoors, etc. :)) I appreciate your perspective, and that we are on the same page, even if you don’t consider yourself a “religious” person. Someone shared a Ted Talk on my Facebook page today where a man spoke about why HE chose to quit porn–He talked about the harm porn causes real relationships and had a few other solid points related to that. I don’t think the speaker mentioned anything religious or spiritual at all, but he had many great thoughts along those lines. Thank you so much!! Aloha-
You know, I have a 23 year old son. You can pretty much get any kind of information off the Internet. How to build a bomb, buy drugs. You name it. Access to anything on the net. Scarey!
You are so right. And I don’t see things changing any time soon, so I guess the best we can do is learn to manage things the best we can. Thanks for commenting!
Thanks for writing this post. My brother who is now 25, got into porn at age 15 and over the years it developed into an addiction. The pull pornography has on your brain is so strong because each image stores a memory and starts to rewire your brain. This article explains what it does to your brain https://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/hijacking-back-your-brain-from-porn
My brother is in a serious relationship, and his addiction has caused them many issues. They are both believers, but his sobriety has been really hard to come by.
Monica, the work, and heart you are investing in to protect your boys is NOT in vain. I know if my mom could go back, she would do so many things different.
This article says that globally porn is a 97 billion dollar industry https://www.nbcnews.com/business/business-news/porn-industry-feeling-upbeat-about-2014-n9076. So at the very least, people should be upset at how much money goes to something that violates many women, ruins many relationships and causes addiction. This money could do so much for the world.
Wow Rachel, thank you so much for your comment. I feel horrible for your brother! I am sure if he had known at 15 what that would lead to, he would have chosen to stay away from porn as well. Thank you for sharing that story, and for those links as well-_super informative! Much aloha!
Agreed on most however, your assertion that kids in public schools watch cell phone pornography during class is ludicrous. In fact, I would argue that by home schooling your kids, they are missing the normal interactions that allow your children to created relationships in a large group setting.
Worrying about what other kids say to them in the water smacks of helicopter parenting.
We have many parents who need to pay way more attention to their children and their children’s activities however, it can go overboard to the point where the kids never grow up.
Thank you Marko. I only noted that some friends have told me of the cell phone issues in their kids school…I did not at all suggest that all public school kids do this. If that was not clear I will go back and edit because that was not at all my intention!:) Many public schools have great policies regarding cell phone usage, and I am glad that this is likely an unusual case!
The social issues of homeschooling are an entirely different subject, and that is ok if you feel that way, but I won’t go into it here because this post was not about that specifically.
I totally agree w/ you regarding helicopter parenting, however listening to my son share his experiences on the water is not in that category. In fact–sending my son to surf huge waves is about the opposite of helicopter parenting! 🙂 I am just an available parent that he knows he can go to, and at ten, I am so glad for that!
Thank you for taking time to comment! Aloha.
Wow.. I have 7 and 5 year old boys and had honestly never thought of this being an issue, not yet. But, 11 isn’t too far away. How young did you start the talk about sex and marriage? I was waiting for my kids to ask questions to begin the talk, but now I am re thinking that…
Shannon–I know, things can absolutely sneak up on us!! 🙂 We haven’t had as organized of a game plan on discussing the subject as we could have…but probably seven or eight is a good time to begin talking about very basics…We read some of the books put out by Family Life introducing this topic very well… Here’s a link to the books: https://shop.familylife.com/p-1656-gods-design-for-sex-updated.aspx
(Maybe I’ll go back and add that book series to the post :)) These break it down by age, although I found they were quite progressive for our kids. (the 5-7 yr old books we might have used for 7-9 etc..) Anyways, I think the more you just talk comfortably about things, the easier it gets as they do get to the age where they need the talks more! I have heard that if you wait until they ask questions, you have probably waited too long. 🙂
I’ve been watching pornography since around age 12. I’m now 19 and attend Tufts, a fairly prestigious college. I’m certainly no expert when it comes to the impact of pornography on an adolescents brain, but I do have an issue with a few parts of the article. First off, I would like to point out that the experiences of your son may not relate to the experiences of the average 10 year old, as I imagine most attend a public school. Home schooling is known to negatively impact the social abilities of the student, while positively effecting their academic growth and eliminating most of the stresses imposed upon youngsters at public school. I’m not trying to question your decision, I’m simply stating the facts. Anyways, he may react differently to porn than others his age because of the fact that he’s constantly in a more sheltered environment. Over the years, public school students build up a tolerance for vulgarity and such, they lose the sensitivity towards fragile subjects. Now I understand it’s a parents first instinct to try and preserve their child’s innocence, but the world (as you know) comes with no bubble wrapping. If a youngster is sheltered too much, when they leave the nest they won’t know how to fly, so they fall.
Next, you say that “Friends have told me that kids in our public schools pass porn around on their cell phones in the classroom.” I have a few questions about this statement. First, are your friends (who I assume you are contemporaneous with) in their children’s classroom for the majority of the day? Are the children of your friends the same age as your son, and if so why are they giving cell phones with internet capability to 10 year olds? Lastly, is this really a subject to be “he said, she said”ing?
Now let’s observe the ONE source you’ve listened, “Covenant eyes”. Right away red flags go up, they “studies” on that site have all INDEPENDENTLY been done, meaning no one cross referenced them, the company “researched” them, and threw them up on their site. May I remind you 57% of statistics are made up. Anyways, why does it matter that their statistics are independently researched? Because their income solely revolves around the purchase of their “family, personal, and group” packages. Their statistics are put out there to aid in their business, not inform the public. Hardly a reliable source, you might as well get your facts from pornhub.com .
Next, you express your opinions on the movie rating system “I am pretty certain that the PG-13 movies in theaters today are what ‘R’ used to be. ‘R’ is what ‘X’ used to be. So ‘Hard R?'”- I suggest you take this up with the MPAA (https://www.mpaa.org).
Lastly, you go on a rant on how pornography twists a mans view of women and gives them sexual expectations. Allow me to remind you that men have been in the pursuit of solely physical relationships with women FAR before the invention of pornography. That’s human nature, not an internet video.
NOW, good news, unless your son was hit by puberty a bit earlier than most, he shouldn’t have any of these desires. Nor should any of your “friends” 10 year old sons. Unfortunately, judging by the tone of the article it sounds like they do, so I will offer a bit of advice. STOP GIVING 10 YEAR OLDS INTERNET CAPABLE DEVICES. They couldn’t possibly need them until they’re around the age of 14, and even that’s a bit early for that level of responsibility. Get them a bike, a skateboard, a swing set, or a goal. Instead of encouraging your kids to sit around on these devices that clearly have negative impacts, get them to be active. I promise, in the long run it’ll make everyone happier.
I’m not sure if you are a parent or not, but as a parent we do still have a tendency to want to shelter our children for as long a time frame as possible. I’m not saying that a lot what you said is inaccurate or demeaning in any way, but I do know that negativity can find a way into your life in many ways that even you haven’t considered. I was exposed to an adult way of life through family members not electronics or friends. Any way of exposure can mold and shape us and despite what our parents want for us we will have to make those choices as we enter adulthood. The people that are reading this blog are parents whom have found someone or something that they can relate to and they are comfortable asking questions or opening up about their own issues. This blog helps us with things that we may not be able to discuss with others. I dont think you were in any way trying to be harsh or mean. I think you were trying to give some insight into your own experiences and I for one appreciate your honesty. You gave some very sound advice but just as with this blog, some will like it some won’t,but thanks for putting your side out there for others. I hope you can continue to politely post about your experience and that you take the time to see the side of others.
Joseph,
I think your opinion may change if you were responsible for another life. As of now, your decisions primarily affect yourself. And you clearly aren’t a person of faith, so your worldview is much different than the author of this blog. Your argument just is not well developed and sounds honestly very narrow.
Rachael,
Are you voice piece Monica ? You can not live in a vacuum or you can and have negative replies. My comment was FACTUAL based, I live in the real world and how would a person of FAITH tell another person they are not. Shame on you for hiding behind the “person of faith”.
Joseph,
I think it is insane to give kids the responsibility of a device too….but it does happen and it isn’t going away (my 11 yo niece informed me that almost half of her class has iphones…ugh) so it is better to lead from a place of assuming many kids have access and work on prevention in that standpoint.
Also, even if a child doesn’t have sexual urges perse, their minds are still developing and many young children girls and boys are exposed and will seek out those images if for no other reason than they want to know-though from growing up with a few of the neighborhood boys I know its probably a little more than that.
Also, early exposure can influence future decisions. I grew up with a relative who openly smoked and sold pot. I smoked pot first at age 13 and thought it was no big deal….it was but my continued exposure made me normalize it. Just some things to think about.
Joseph, I think most of your point of views pretty much prove WHY Monica and most of us parents are trying to protect our children. We do not want our 12 year olds watching pornography… and still addicted at 19.. 7 years later. (As in your case) And most likely bring the addition into a marriage. I more than thank you, Joseph, for writing that post 🙂 it really puts in perspective as to what not to do as a parent and how much more important it is to monitor what my children are watching.
Charlene…Thank you for such a wise response. 🙂 Very well said. Much aloha!
He did not say he was addicted to porn. Viewing it is not the same as having an addiction.
Bless your heart, you are a deceived YOUNG man.
Great post Monica! Definitely important in today’s day and age with all the technology. Parents need to be responsible by being aware of what their children are doing at all times:)
Thank you, I was hoping you would do a post about helping our children deal with one of the major issues out there. I have younger kids, my oldest is 8 but I worry about this constantly. I want them to have a healthy sexual relationship with their spouse when they are adults. We us the K9 browser but we are looking into getting a filter for our router so any device on our Wifi would be covered. I am also working on getting a Parent Technology Committee at our elementary where we can help children learn about proper technology use, how to avoid and deal with porn, and bullying and also to promote good and healthy technology usage. I think one of the problems about kids and pornography is the problem adults have with talking about it.
One thing my aunt told me was she doesn’t ask her kids “if” they have seen pornography but “when and where and what they did about it and how they are avoiding it and not seeking it out”. She has kids from 14-28 and said that the more she and my uncle talk to them and guide them in that arena the more open they are with them.
Great post Mobica!
I always think of this passage (and what it says about our eyes) when this topic comes up:
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil. (Proverbs 4:23-27 NIV)
*Monica (sorry!)
Such a great verse, Greg…Thank you! (And I kind of like MoBica :)) Aloha to you!
Monica, Thank you for your article(s). I always enjoy reading your insightful and well written blogs. Standing up for what we, as Christians believe, in a liberal world~ is SO not an easy walk. It’s encouraging to see parents who take active rolls in their children’s lives. Know that , at the end of our lives, we don’t answer to everyone who has been a stumbling block. I would much rather see a parent who is actually BEING a parent, rather then being their child’s friend. Keep up the gr8 work!! (For the naysayers … Maturity always takes the higher road!! It’s always best to listen and learn. Unless you are a grown adult, paying your own bills and have children, don’t TRY to give “life” advice on something you know nothing of!! )
Thank you Rachel. Such encouraging words!! Much aloha to you. (and love the note to naysayers–I couldn’t have said it better…:)) XO